100 [mumbles] of Nowhere Race Report, by Jeff D and Carlos P

11.18.2016 | 10:46 am

A Note from Fatty: I’m very happy to be posting this story today, because it’s proof that I’m a real thinker. See, this is by a couple long-time Friends of Fatty — Jeff Dieffenbach and Carlos Perea — who got together for their own wacky race / road trip. It’s a longish post…which means you might want to read / watch (cuz this is a multimedia extravaganza) this in multiple chunks.

That’s what weekends are for, right? 


100 [mumbles] of Nowhere Race Report
by Jeff Dieffenbach and Carlos Perea

Buffalo and Bruiser midway through the pizza run

It all comes back to the power of bicycles. Through Fatty, the power of bicycles is powering the wonderful Camp Kesem. The Power of Bicycles is certainly World Bicycle Relief (ride report co-author Carlos Perea is a WBR Ambassador). Sometimes, though, the power of bicycles is made apparent a lot closer to home. But that’s getting ahead of things a bit.

Jeff and Carlos have separately ridden the Fat Cyclist’s 100 Miles of Nowhere several times each. This year, we decided to ride it together. We wanted to do something different this year, so rather than necessarily build our ride around all of the miles, we built it around all of our bikes.

As such, here’s the back of Jeff’s sport utility van. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s (from back to front) a hardtail 29er, a Bruiser beach cruiser, and a Buffalo.


We know what you’re thinking. “Jeff, that’s not very many bikes. Not very many bikes at all.” And you would be right in thinking that … unless you decided to look *inside* Jeff’s SUV. From left to right: fBIKE folding bike, CX bike, fat bike, road bike, and another fBIKE.


Jeff drove from his undisclosed location to Carlos’ undisclosed location. After a bit of setup and other bicycle futzing, we set off on the first of our segments: the fat bike.

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At the end of the loop, we had tallied 7.5 of what would eventually be the full [mumbles] miles.

Next up: MTBs.

In the first picture below, you can see Carlos’ kit change–spreadin’ the wealth! In the second picture below, you can see friend David W at left. If you could see David’s face, you would see a look of inexplicability. You see, David has just watched Carlos plunge inexplicably off the trail for no apparent reason whatsoever. Fear not, neither Carlos nor Carlos’ bike suffered any lasting ill effects.

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At the end of the MTB loop, we’d added another 8.4 miles. Grand total: 15.9.

Calling that something of a midway point, we decided that it would be irresponsible not to go get lunch. As any cyclist worth his or her salt knows, however, lunch does not transport all that well on a fat bike. Or an MTB. It was time to put the Buffalo (and it’s 250 lb capacity rear rack) to good use.

Carlos took the Buffalo, Jeff took the Bruiser, and 1.1 miles later, we were at the pizza place pictured in the photo that leads off this ride report.

A careful eye might detect one small problem in this photo. The Bruiser has gone flat! We quickly formed a plan. Carlos would continue back to his house with the 250 lbs of pizza strapped to the back of the Buffalo. Jeff would start pushing the Bruiser. Carlos would then return with a car to pick up Jeff and the Bruiser.

Score: Buffalo 1, Bruiser 0. As Carlos pedaled away on the Bruiser, Jeff was left not just to contemplate but also to experience firsthand the power of bicycles (and of the lack thereof).


Back at Carlos’ house, we consumed 125 lbs of pizza each while doing the math: 18.1 miles (choosing to ignore Jeff’s failure to cover the 1.1 mile return trip).

Sure 18.1 miles was only a small fraction of the full [mumbles] miles that we would cover. But we weren’t worried. We had more bikes to go.

The shortest loop of our plan was via folding bike. We set off, and by the time we were back at base, had added a whopping 0.7 miles to the score sheet.

18.8 for those of you keeping score at home, but on the folding bike lane, we came across a great omen: Century Street.

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Segment 4 was via road bike. By this time, we had remembered to affix our race plates. And Jeff added his 2015 100MoN tool container as a good luck totem.

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With road bikes under butt, we quickly added to our mileage in the way that only road bikes can. This time, the kit change was Jeff’s.


Another 10 miles brought the count to 28.8.


We were clearly on pace to hit our target of [mumbles] miles. That is, as long as we had enough bikes.

Bonus Velominati-styled quiz question: how many bikes is enough bikes?

Next up: cyclocross. This choice afforded us a chance to get back onto the trails that had served us so well on the fat bike and MTB segments.








A wonderful (see photos and videos above) 8.3 miles later, we had reached pretty much the end of daylight. And of our pile of bikes.

We cleared our desks, sharpened our pencils, and added up the numbers. Hmm, 37.1 miles (Strava).

So, did we reach our objective of 100 [mumbles] of Nowhere?

Well, there was one more factor to take into account. That, of course, is the well-established dirt multiplier of 3.0:1. So, 37.1 x 3.0 = 111.3.

What a relief: over 11 miles to spare.


  1. Comment by Brian in VA | 11.18.2016 | 1:14 pm

    A ride report full of awesome and, more importantly, bikes!

    Well done, guys!

  2. Comment by Dylan | 11.18.2016 | 1:20 pm

    I caught a couple of errors in your math. I believe the correct multiplication factor for dirt is only 2.5:1, and not all of your miles were done on dirt (only 24.2 by my calculation). But have no fear! I have spent literally minutes of my lunch break (probably more than I should) and have a solution to suggest; there are several additional multiplication factors you failed to consider, but which I posit are equally valid and which put you safely over 100 miles (see calculations below).

    Dirt miles: (8.4 + 8.6) x 2.5 = 41.75
    Fat bike dirt miles: 7.5 x 2.5 (dirt) x 2 (fat bike) = 37.5
    Road bike miles: 10
    Buffalo/cruiser miles: 2.2 x 2 = 4.4 (not having ridden one I assume they’re twice as much work as a regular road bike)
    Folding bike: .7 x 10 = 7 (again, this is an assumption on my part. Please increase multiplier if appropriate)

    Adding these totals gives 100.65 miles. One must also consider the sheer number of bikes used. I believe an additional 10% for each bike over n=1 seem appropriate, yes?

    Grand total: 100.65 x .5 + 100.65 = 150.98 miles!

  3. Comment by BostonCarlos | 11.18.2016 | 1:52 pm

    I’m speechless. Thank you for correcting our error, Dylan! :)

  4. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 11.18.2016 | 1:54 pm

    @Dylan, I second the thanks. Fantastic!

    @BostonCarlos, no WONDER we felt so gassed at the end of the day. Almost 151 miles! Wow us!

  5. Comment by Kate | 11.18.2016 | 2:03 pm

    A race where you spend as much time taking pictures and eating pizza as actually riding. This looks exactly like my kind of day! Well done!

  6. Comment by miles archer | 11.18.2016 | 2:06 pm


    [mumbles] = bicycles

    the math works out

  7. Comment by old guy who likes to ride | 11.18.2016 | 2:41 pm

    No snow.

    thanks for that.

  8. Comment by Corrine | 11.18.2016 | 3:53 pm

    No time to watch the videos at work. Can’t wait to see them when I get done but love the story and the math.
    @dylan – does riding a fat bike on snow add a multiplier of 2? Does that mean I actually went 200 miles? Wow, I am tough. Thanks for helping my self esteem!
    Jeff and Carlos, love that you used all of those bikes! How fun and totally crazy.

  9. Comment by Corrine | 11.18.2016 | 3:54 pm

    No time to watch the videos at work. Can’t wait to see them when I get done but love the story and the math.
    @dylan – does riding a fat bike on snow add a multiplier of 2? Does that mean I actually went 200 miles? Wow, I am tough. Thanks for helping my self esteem!
    Jeff and BostonCarlos, love that you used all of those bikes! How fun and totally crazy.

  10. Comment by Dylan | 11.18.2016 | 3:59 pm

    @Corrine – I think a fat bike always adds a multiplier of 2, but I’m sure snow deserves its own multiplier. I wonder if it should be more than the 2.5 for dirt? Can’t speak from personal experience on that one either.

  11. Comment by Dizzy | 11.19.2016 | 8:06 am

    While sipping coffee and contemplating yet another cranberry bagel smothered in cream cheese and marmalade, I’ve run the numbers of dirt vs snow. The snow would add a surfactant-quality (that’s slipperyness for you non-medical people). That factor, and again, I ran the numbers, would add nearly 0.5 to the multiplier.
    However, and not to take anything away from the awesomeness of her ride, let’s keep in mind that @corrine was using studded tires. This would nullify the surfactant impact and therefore make the snow vs dirt equal.

  12. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 11.19.2016 | 12:43 pm

    @Dizzy, what would the multiplier be for a ride on cream cheese and marmalade?

  13. Comment by Anonymous | 11.19.2016 | 6:30 pm

    @Dizzy. Why do we have a medical person on this site? Is someone sick? Are we all sick? Knowing Carlos and Jeff personally I fear the latter. Birds of a feather and all that…

    As for the theme of this post it seems someone(s) just showing off how many bikes and jerseys they have. I remember that happening before inthis site.

    Well done guys!


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