An Open Letter to the Passenger in the Green SUV Who Screamed as He Went By Yesterday

07.27.2005 | 2:35 pm

Dear Passenger in the Green SUV,

Yesterday, as I was riding my bike home from work your SUV pulled alongside me, at which point you — the passenger — screamed at the top of your lungs, startling me and making me swerve and nearly hit a guardrail.

I’d like to take this moment to congratulate you on a couple of things:

1. The quality of your sense of humor. Everyone knows that startling someone who is two feet away from heavy rush hour traffic without any protection whatsoever is simply brilliant. I only wish that you had videotaped it to show to your friends — I must have looked so stupid! And the thing is, this joke’s got legs. I can imagine how you might get a similar effect by suddenly screaming at people as you walk by them in hallways, or perhaps at the dinner table. How about in business meetings — or, in your case, during your lunch break while you sit with the others in your work-release program?
2. The originality of your sense of humor. I haven’t conducted a survey or anything, but I’m pretty sure you are the absolute first person to ever scream at a cyclist from a moving car. And I’m sure other cyclists will verify that they, like I, have never:
   • Had a car swerve at them as a joke
   • Had a car honk at them as a joke
   • Had someone throw a beer bottle at/in front of them as a joke.

As a fellow humorist — though of course my sense of humor doesn’t compare with yours; I just write jokes and “amusing” anecdotes — I would again like to thank you for taking the time to share your unique and stylish brand of comedy with me.

Finally, I would like to share with you that since you weren’t going that much faster than I was, I had plenty of time to memorize your license plate. We were both going in the same direction on E. Lake Sammamish Parkway, so our destinations can’t have been too different. I’d say it’s almost inevitable that I will find your green SUV parked and alone someday. At which point, I look forward to continuing our tradition of sharing practical jokes with one another.

Kind Regards,

The Fat Cyclist

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Nyquil = Kryptonite

07.26.2005 | 5:22 pm

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An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong, Who is Newly Unemployed

07.21.2005 | 9:23 pm

Dear Mr. Armstrong,

I’m very sorry to hear that you have lost your job as a bicycle rider. Being unemployed is a difficult, demoralizing experience, and to tell the truth I’m not absolutely sure that anything I have to say will help. However, like you, I have found myself “between jobs” before — and I’m happy to say that if you treat this as a learning experience, you can gain some important life lessons from these admittedly difficult circumstances. Here’s how you can take those lemons and make lemonade!

• Don’t be proud. From what I understand, Lance (I hope you don’t mind if I call you Lance), this is not the first time you have lost your job. In fact, I hear that last year the United States Postal Service fired you. Maybe now is the time for you to go back to them, apologize for your shortcomings, and ask for a job. It seems like common sense to say that there will always be work for mail carriers. If you can start being more consistent in your work, perhaps you’ll find that you have a reliable career that can last a lifetime!
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help. No doubt you’re wondering how you’re going to make ends meet now that you have no job. Well, I understand you have a girlfriend who is a singer — in fact, if I don’t miss my guess, I believe she once had a hit song, “All Girls Wanna Do is Just Have Some Fun!” And while I think it’s safe to say that one-hit-wonders are a dime-a-dozen, she can probably still find work. In fact, I have several friends with younger children. I may be able to help her make some bookings for their upcoming birthday parties. In any case, if you need money, you should ask her for some. But keep a strict accounting of every penny you borrow, and an even more strict accounting of every penny you spend, to show that you’re not just throwing her hard-earned (and somewhat unsteady)money around foolishly. Pay her back as soon as you can.
• Do something for others. I hope you don’t mind me being teensy bit little bit direct with you now, Mr. Armstrong. I can tell, just by looking at you, that you have always had it easy. You’ve never been sick a day in your life. Well, now may be the time for you to think about some of the less-fortunate people in the world. Help the sick, for once in your life. You’re a strapping young man; I’ll bet any hospital in the world would be happy to take you on as a candy striper.
• Think about a career change. You’ve given bicycle riding a shot. That’s great that you’ve chased a dream. Now it’s time to come down to the ground and realize that it’s simply not a practical job. Try to find something you can be successful at. Perhaps you could get a job with Amway or Nuskin. Or maybe you could get a job making / selling those rubber bracelets that are so popular with kids these days. Or maybe you could take your former “career” experience and turn it into something practical — you could be a mechanic or salesman in a bike shop! Though, if you want to be a salesman in a bike shop, I recommend you stop acting like such a know-it-all about bike riding. Remember, the customer is always right!

You can’t help that you’ve lost your job, Mr. Armstrong. But you can help what you’re going to do now. Please accept this advice in the spirit in which it is given.

Kind Regards,

The Fat Cyclist

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A Letter to Lance Armstrong

07.21.2005 | 3:33 pm

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I Ride My Bike to Save Money. Or Not.

07.20.2005 | 4:57 pm

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