How to Freak People Out on Christmas

12.25.2005 | 1:45 am

My gift to you on this holiday is explicit directions on how to make people think you are insane.
Today, you will very likely hear the phrase, "Merry Christmas." Whenever someone greets you in this manner, take them literally: Start acting merry.
This is not as simple as it may at first seem. When’s the last time you saw someone actually being "merry" (which is defined in as: "Full of high-spirited gaiety; jolly")?
OK, you’ve had a minute to think about it, and you’re not having much luck, are you? Well, I’ll remind you. Never in your whole entire life, that’s the last time you saw someone being "merry."
So, my proposal: When someone says, "Merry Christmas," take their advice to heart. This, I’m afraid, means you will immediately need to:
  • Prance.
  • Chortle.
  • Laugh from your belly.
  • Be jolly, if you’re able to picture what "jolly" even means.

Furthermore, do all of the above the entire day. After all, you have been told to be "merry" not just for the next five minutes, but for the duration of Christmas.

This will not be easy. It will wear you out. You will likely alienate friends and family.
Do it anyway.
People will ask what your problem is. Do not explain. Just give them a big hug, step back, look them up and down (with a twinkle in your eye, a goofy smile on your face), put your hands on your hips, throw your head back, and laugh. Laugh merrily.
If you manage to not be incarcerated by mid-afternoon, please: leave a comment and let me know how your day went. I really want to know.
Have a merry Christmas. If you dare.


  1. Comment by Sue | 12.25.2005 | 2:47 am

    Thank goodness your children have your wife to act as a buffer.BotchedP.S. Have a mellow Christmas

  2. Comment by Unknown | 12.25.2005 | 2:59 am

    Might one add just a skosh of panache–a little flash of fancy, dandy flair?

  3. Comment by Shadow | 12.25.2005 | 3:24 am

    Uh oh. This sounds like a christmas I might not want to remember…

  4. Comment by Sirk | 12.25.2005 | 5:53 am

    Hm… tempting, but I am a bit lacking in the jolly department. Especially at the present date. Would stuffing a buoyant jar of ‘Merry’ benevolence down their throat be an acceptable alternative? I enjoy your site and thus your sense of humor, keep blogging.Cheers,Sirk

  5. Comment by AO | 12.25.2005 | 7:00 am

    fatty, YOU have a merry christmas.i challenge you to have a merry 12 days of christmas which extends till 1/6/06 (i think). so, when you get run off the road/nearly hit/etc remember you are having a merry christmas…stay safe.

  6. Comment by Carolynn | 12.25.2005 | 7:31 am

    You could be really dangerous if you had side duties such as your erroristic sister. I’m certainly glad you don’t. I think Shadow Scythe may be wisely apprehensive. Have a wonderfully serene and peaceful Christmas, with calm and tranquility defining your every moment.

  7. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 12.25.2005 | 10:51 am

    The sun has set on our 25th and I did verily guffaw and chortle at the poor unassuming person taking payment for petrol on our journey to the inlaws. I’m sure she’s the reason I was stopped by the police 50 miles up the road. Suspicious behaviour indeed, displaying happiness (bordering on merriment) while in charge of a station wagon loaded with food, gifts and screaming children.I hope your chosen effigy leaves a suitably exciting donation in your designated receptacle. (I hope I was sufficiently politically correct)

  8. Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 12.25.2005 | 2:04 pm

    Actually, Fatty, you just described me every Christmas!::GRIN:: If I DON’T behave that way, they immediately check my pulse! Yes, I’m THAT relative! Here’s hoping you have a merry Christmas, you and your family as well! See ya ’round!

  9. Comment by Ariane | 12.25.2005 | 4:44 pm

    Hahaha… I think that a Christmas ride is in order, and I should like to see the whole group behaving in an inordinately marry fashion. Ahhh… the imagery makes me happy on the inside. Now, if you will excuse me; the Nog doth beckon.

  10. Comment by Unknown | 12.26.2005 | 5:28 am

    Well, I did my part for holiday silliness. I wrote up my ride report for yesterday’s ride as a parody of "The Night Before Christmas". It was 51 miles of playing Los Angeles tourist, seeing some Hollywood history, and climbing some gnarly hills. It was fun:

  11. Comment by Siobhan | 12.26.2005 | 6:53 am

    You’ve just answered my question as to why we Brits exclaim "Happy Christmas." Maybe there’s some sort of conspiracy theory here.Siobhan

  12. Comment by Andrew | 12.26.2005 | 5:54 pm

    Well, OK then, I going to don my gay apparel.


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