Wherein I Confront the M&M Demon, But First Talk About A Bunch of Other Stuff

01.26.2007 | 10:59 am

I want to talk about M&Ms today, because I think M&Ms are an important topic, and deserve the focused, serious attention and respect that only I can give.

But first, I have a bunch of self-aggrandizing announcements, pleas, and reminders to make.

Vote For Me, Or And I’ll Hold My Breath ‘Til I Turn Purple
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the people who nominated me for the 2007 Bloggies Awards. Because of you, Fat Cyclist is now a finalist in the Best-Kept Secret Award.

I confess, I am irrationally exuberant.

So, now that I’m a finalist, I need you to go vote for me again. Click here to vote.

Also, go tell your friends to vote. And tell your friends to tell their friends to vote. And tell your family. And your coworkers. Shout it from the rooftops.

But please don’t tell my advertisers that I’m a well-kept secret. That doesn’t jibe very well with my story of how extraordinarily popular I am and how many trazillions of people visit my site every day.

Anyway, as an incentive to get you to vote, I hereby proclaim that I will post both video and pictures of my heretofore unmentioned (in this blog anyway) talent:

I can make my face turn bright purple at will.

Yes, at a moment’s notice I can make my face turn bright purple. Veins stand out on my forehead, and my eyes go all bloodshot. It looks like I’m about to have an aneurysm.

It’s a sight to behold, and it gives me a royal headache to do, and usually people beg me to stop before I’ve taken it as far as I can, because it really does look freaky.

I think you’ll dig it.

So go vote for me. Right now. Thank you.

Results of My Son’s Science Project
A couple weeks ago, I asked you to participate in my son’s science fair project by checking your resting heart rate, drinking some diet cola, and then seeing what happened to your heart rate over the next hour.

Well, thanks to your help (as well as the fact that my son is a full-on brainiac), he got an ‘A’ for his project. I don’t know whether he won any awards for his project; those haven’t been announced yet. 

I think you’ll find his results pretty darn interesting. His results are posted on his project website; click here to go educate yourself.

It’s Not Too Late to Win the Awesome Twin Six Speedy Jersey
I’m pretty sure we’ve got a record number of entries for this week’s contest to win the Twin Six Speedy jersey, which I think means you all must like Twin Six designs as much as I do. I’m not choosing a winner ’til tomorrow, so if you haven’t left a comment for that day’s entry, go do it now.

And please bear in mind that Twin Six — like all my Ads-For-Schwag partners — aren’t doing this just because they like to give stuff away. So why don’t you go take a look at their site, see what they have to offer, and bookmark them. Next time you’re in the mood for a jersey that doesn’t look like a billboard, remember them.

Next Week’s Contest
Next week, the contest is going to be a little different than usual: it’s going to be a photo contest. Start digging up your best bike-related photos and get ready — I’ve got a great prize all lined up (and I’ll be setting up a place for you to upload your photos to my website over the weekend).

The M&M: Confronting a Perfect Food
As you are no doubt aware, M&Ms are one of the hallowed Seven Perfect Foods. The attributes of the Seven Perfect Foods are as follows:

  • Taste: Obviously, a Perfect Food must be universally regarded as delicious, to the point that any holding an opposing point of view is regarded as both a contrarian and a fool.
  • Texture: A Perfect Food must have a texture that is perfect by itself, enhances other foods when combined with them, and is regarded as wonderful even as it changes due to temperature variance. It must feel good in the mouth whether you bite down on it or let it dissolve. It must feel right whether you eat a tiny bite (or one at a time) or in giant mouthfuls. The texture of a Perfect Food, however, is not simply how that food feels once in the mouth, but when you hold it in your hands. It must be a delight to touch.
  • Aesthetic Qualities: A Perfect Food must be a joy to behold.
  • Mythical Status: A Perfect Food must have a body of lore built up around it. One must feel that one is participating in a longstanding tradition when enjoying a Perfect Food. This attribute ensures that no flash-in-the-pan upstart is regarded as a Perfect Food. A Perfect Food not only can stand the test of time, but has stood the test of time.
  • Irresistibility: When offered a Perfect Food, one cannot decline. You may try, but only with a feeling of despair, and a certain knowledge that if offered again, you will  — with great relief — accept.

There are only seven Perfect Foods in the world. People have spent their lives trying to concoct an eighth. I salute these people for their dedication to improving the human condition, yet cannot help but wonder at their folly. A Perfect Food cannot be invented or designed. Perfect Foods simply are.

I digress. Big time.

What I wanted to say was: yesterday someone left a one-pound bag of M&Ms on the “Community Property” table in the office — free to all takers. Ordinarily, this would have resulted in my finding reason after reason to wander by that table, pour a handful (O what rapturous sound, to hear a handful of M&Ms fall into one’s hand! It sounds much like applause, does it not?) and then wander back to my office, sometimes popping them into my mouth one at a time, sometimes a half-dozen at once.

The M&Ms would of course be gone before I got back to my office.

Yesterday, however, was different. I did not go to the bag. Not even once. I resisted the M&Ms. Not for ten minutes. Not for an hour.

The whole day.

I have never done this before. Ever.

I hereby declare: I now have more willpower than any human alive.

Today’s Weight: 172.6


  1. Comment by mbonkers | 01.26.2007 | 11:20 am

    That is truly an amazing feat of willpower. I too have no control when placed in the vicinity of M&Ms.
    In order to add pounds at a time to my weight, one only needs to drop a costco sleeping bag sized bag of M&Ms at my feet, and I will dive in like a fat cat into a bag of food.
    Also wanted to say what nice guys those twin sixers are, I wrote to them to ask if they were going to put out any womens sleeveless jerseys anytime soon. They responded right away that they would this spring (I think my wife would look great in one of their jerseys, but she won’t wear sleeves.)
    I made sure to let them know I found them through fatcyclist.com.

    Oh, and don’t ignore the M&Ms for too long, it makes the perfect food gods angry, if too many people shun their offering, they might go away.

  2. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 01.26.2007 | 11:41 am

    - Just voted for you.

    - What? You don’t have trazillions of people visiting your site every day? I feel betrayed.

    - Very cool results, I was surprised at the weight factor.

    - I have a couple cool bike pics, I’ll be sure to submit them. Its about time you got a photo gallery.

    - What kind of M&M’s were you resisting? Not to disrespect the classic M&M but this feat would have been much more applaudable had they been Peanut M&M’s or, dare I say it…Peanut Butter M&M’s!
    There are a few foods I resist because I know once I start I won’t be able to stop or I would be the fattest 5′1″ woman anyone has ever seen. Caramel, Nutella, and Peanut Butter M&M’s.

  3. Comment by Rick S. | 01.26.2007 | 11:44 am

    I’m guessing peanut butter M&M’s would have changed your ability to walk away without partaking. I’m pretty sure I could polish off half that bag in one sitting if they were peanut butter M&M’s. “I have no strength…..”

    I not only visited the Twin Six site last week but placed an order for some cool t-shirts. I got them last night in the mail. Very cool!

  4. Comment by fatty | 01.26.2007 | 11:48 am

    mrs. coach – the other M&Ms are good food, but only plain M&Ms are a Perfect Food. i’m right with you on Nutella, though. I once ate a jarful in a single session.

    mbonkers – have you ever opened up a giant bag of M&Ms and poured them into your mouth until your mouth was entirely full? me either. i would never do that.

  5. Comment by Caloi-Rider | 01.26.2007 | 12:09 pm

    Fatty, as a long-time reader of your blog, I can say only that it’s amazing to see your progress. I’m sure proud of ya.
    Oh, just a side note, but I found out I have only 8% body fat (Caloi says, as he tucks Fatty’s thunder under his coat and walks out the door). Oh yeah, congrats on your willpower thingy, whatever that was.

    P.S. Peanut Butter M&M’s were actually the key to me becoming skinny. I lived off of those for about three days after the birth of my first child. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve eaten a single one since.

  6. Comment by eclecticdeb | 01.26.2007 | 12:12 pm

    Okay, I’ll bite. What are the OTHER “perfect foods”?

    I wish I had as much will power as you. I managed to polish off 1/2 bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips in two nights last week. Serves me right for not using the whole bag on the awesome double chocolate torte that i made for my boyfriend’s birthday.

  7. Comment by fatty | 01.26.2007 | 12:16 pm

    eclecticdeb – you don’t know what the Seven Perfect Foods are? you’re kidding, right?

  8. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 01.26.2007 | 12:24 pm

    Yeah, what are they?

  9. Comment by Genghis Khan | 01.26.2007 | 12:33 pm

    I’m in–what are they?

  10. Comment by dug | 01.26.2007 | 12:56 pm

    you know what’s good? (do you? DO YOU?!)

    what’s good is to take a bunch of m&ms and put them in the microwave for about 30 seconds, long enough to melt the chocolate inside, but not break the shell or overcook the chocolate.

    then you pop them in your mouth and squish them between toungue and roof of mouth. delirium ensues.

    rick s., “i knew you were bluffing.”

  11. Comment by Token Skinny Guy | 01.26.2007 | 1:02 pm

    Stop it! Stop it all of you! You sit there, making offhand comments about peanut butter M&Ms while I drool, curse, and kick things. I LOVE peanut butter M&Ms but I can’t get them here! That truly is the meaning of hell.

    And I’m as stunned as FC. You people don’t know what the other Perfect Foods are? For shame. (Pst! FC. Just, ah, under the table, what are they?)

  12. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 01.26.2007 | 1:07 pm

    Sounds like FC has his next post.

  13. Comment by Jay | 01.26.2007 | 1:32 pm

    Bears Jersey? Older Man Men? Memphis Grizzlies Gear? Jordan Jerseys?

    Congratulations. Google no longer has any idea what kind of ads to put on your site.

  14. Comment by LanterneRouge | 01.26.2007 | 1:33 pm

    Is vegemite one of the perfect foods? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

  15. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 01.26.2007 | 1:37 pm

    Little known fact;

    Jan used to eat his weight in M&M’s during the course of the Giro D’Talia.

    Now…he limits himself to eating rasmussens weight in M&M’s. It’s really helped his climbing

  16. Comment by mbonkers | 01.26.2007 | 2:28 pm

    Nope, never filled my entire craw with M&Ms. Don’t know what it’s like as the candy shells slide over each other making that delightful sound until they melt into a gigantic chocalatey mass and you can barely swallow the wonderfulness…
    Nope, wouldn’t think of it.

  17. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.26.2007 | 2:52 pm

    Hey, I like your son’s results. Very nice. Just don’t let him go to graduate school in the life-sciences!

    I don’t like the trend your weight has been following. Have you been taking your worm medicine? If you keep losing (please note I did not type “loosing” as I wanted to do) at this rate, you’re going to weigh 48 pounds on the leadville startline. Do you really think you’re going to put out much power when you weigh 48 pounds?

    Do you know what helps you keep your weight up where you can generate lots of power? M&M’s. That’s what. Hey, you like M&M’s don’t you?

  18. Comment by Julie | 01.26.2007 | 3:04 pm

    Congrats on your nom. I just stopped in from the Bloggie Awards site. I’m on a weight loss journey myself – I’ll be checking back in on your progress!

  19. Comment by Beast Mom | 01.26.2007 | 3:06 pm

    Your son’s project results are interesting. I’ve never heard of that rebound effect, esp w/ lighter people. And I would assume people who drink caffeine regularly would react slower, not faster. Sounds like he has a good follow up project for next yr.
    I’m surprised your blog ended up in the “underrepresented” category. You seem rather well represented. :) Does “underrepsented” refer to the number of readers, or what exactly?
    M&M’s. Hm&m&m&m…I think there’s a plant in your office. Someone has been paid off to make you lose the wagers. On Monday, the communal table will have a “Best Cake In The World” knock-off. You should investigate…


  20. Comment by Born4Lycra | 01.26.2007 | 3:33 pm

    Well done son of FC – nice work.

    Lanterne – vegemite is the antiperfect food – it’s just a brown salt spread. Nutella on the other hand while not being perfect only serves to aid other foods get closer to perfect. For instance bread is nice but bathed in nutella it becomes great. Bread bathed in vegemite is unedible however here in OZ I should point out that my opinion regards Vegemite is in the minority.

    FC thanks for the personal email with the photo of the new FC top you were quite correct it’s stunning. It’s allright folks only joking.

  21. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.26.2007 | 4:56 pm

    Fatty, who’s kidding whom, here?

    We all know how you resisted it.

    You had Lofgran shatter your foot with a huge hammer, hobbling you in the manner the ancients hobbled their blacksmiths to keep them from moving to a new village. Not only were you able to keep from taking the M&M’s, but the horrifying screams kept that fat chick who always scarfs all the snacks (yeah, you know the one, Becky from accounting) away from the M&Ms. Those who sit closer to you and know you’re a bike-riding fiend weren’t scared off, however, assuming that the screams were due to bleeding nipples and a new hand-woven Peruvian shirt, or maybe just a huge saddle sore blasting open. Lofgran’s happy too, because when that foot goes gangrenous and it rots off, you’ll lose a cool 13 pounds – and any weight loss is great advertising for him. So it was a win-win for everybody and made you very popular in the workplace. Yet here you are, telling us it was “willpower…” Yeah, right.

    And you think you’re clever…

  22. Comment by jill | 01.26.2007 | 11:51 pm

    Thanks for the Bloggie vote!

    Of course I voted for you, Mr. “Best Kept Secret” with the most popular cycling blog on the Web. I still need to sign up for dozens more e-mail addresses so I can weight the vote, but I’ll get around to it eventually.

    Vote early, vote often.

  23. Comment by Lins - Australia | 01.27.2007 | 12:47 am

    Born4Lycra wrote that Vegemite is just a brown salt spread. That makes it sound so ordinary. There’s a little more finesse vegemite than that. It originates with the brewing of Queensland’s famous beer “Fourex”. The yeast extract is trucked down from the brewery, here in Brisbane, in tankers to the Kraft factory in Melbourne. So for all you beer lovers: Vegemite is a by-product of beer! Get into it.

    By the way I’ve heard of Americans slathering their bread with vegemite in order to “get a really good taste of it”. Wrong. The merest scraping is the recommended dose. Enjoy.

  24. Comment by KatieA | 01.27.2007 | 2:43 am

    Fatty – I applaud you. But I ate lamingtons & pavlova & sausages & bacon & eggs & beer yesterday (Australia Day), and I still lost weight. I like my diet better.

    Born4Lycra – Australia Day was only yesterday, I see you are not aiming to ever get a vote. I officially call Shenanigans on you for not liking Vegemite.

    Lins – Is that how QLD people write XXXX?? I used to live up there, and I don’t remember spelling the numbers out… I don’t know if you’re bogan enough to live in QLD.

    And yes, Vegemite is so much more than just salt-spread. I believe the best quote ever heard was from an American: “Looks like axle grease, tastes like rusty nails.” Tasty.

  25. Comment by Lins - Australia | 01.27.2007 | 3:44 am

    KatieA – XXXX is of course the correct signage for the beer however those from other countries who are unfamiliar with the brand can be forgiven for thinking that XXXX represents some sort of poison so I spelt it out to avoid confusion for the readers.

    There can also be a visual misinterpretaion of the signage. An American female singer, when interviewed on the radio, commented that Brisbane had a lot of X-rated porn video shops. It took a while for the radio announcers to click that she had been driven from the airport to the city (after dark) along a route where there are a lot of pubs displaying the prominent XXXX signage (bright red neon) which was ultimately misinterpreted by her.

  26. Comment by Weean | 01.27.2007 | 4:40 am

    Well I for one am quite happy not to be able to get my hands on peanut butter M&Ms, having experienced their deliciousness on trips to the states. Token Skinny Guy, I think you don’t quite fit the demographics this site is tailored to. That’s probably influenced your monicker.

    And nice work fatty junior. are you sure you didn’t get more than just data from your dad? That research was easily as impressive as the stuff that gained me my PhD: You just have to work on padding it out a bit more. That’s where the real hard work begins ;o)

  27. Comment by DoubleJ | 01.27.2007 | 5:06 am

    I looked at your son’s data. How old is he (you may have mentioned this in a previous post, but I’m too lazy to go back and look)? The reason I ask is because this is a very nice analysis and presentation of the data. Definitely deserving of the A that he got. Not bragging, but I’m a PhD chemist and just thought he might like to know that his work was impressive to someone who does this kind of thing for a living.

  28. Comment by Anonymous | 01.27.2007 | 7:32 am

    Random thoughts:

    –be careful with green M&M’s. They make you horny.

    –I voted for you, the Alaskan babe, and instapundit. The rest I’d never heard of before.

    –why wasn’t Malviva’s rantlog nominated?

    –Just as Dante imagined higher and higher circles of Heaven, there is a ranking system even among the Perfect Foods. M&M’s rank higher than Reeces. I realize this might trigger a religious war.

    –Speaking of religion and M&M’s, I once went over to Romania on a medical trip. On the last day, as part of a going away party, our leader produced a large bag of peanut M&M’s. To the Romanians peanut M&M’s are more sought after than crack (so is Nexium, but I digress). They were gone in an instant. The rest of us confronted our leader: “We’ve been toiling here for two weeks, you’ve had this big bag of peanut M&M’s, and you’ve hid them from us all this time?” Naturally, we castrated him on the spot.

  29. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.27.2007 | 7:38 am

    What are they giving PhD’s out at the post office now? No wonder I can’t get a job, ther’s PhD’s everywhere.

    Fatty, dude, did you not read my post last time you brought up those awards? Forget those ‘Bloggies’ best unknown blog crap; lets get together and make a website and well give you a “Best Website Ever Invented or Ever Will Be” award. Now there’s an award worthy of FatCyclist.com.

  30. Comment by LMouse | 01.27.2007 | 11:33 am

    Wow, this blob–I mean blog has taken on a life of its own and it just keeps getting bigger… and bigger! Aaghh! Actually, its wonderful. Congratulations. You really are the best I’ve read. And I’ve read a lot.

    Your son describes my age (54) as older. (Quiet sob.) I must say I’m a little more than bummed that I have officially left middle age. Better get a touring bike and slow it down. Or better yet a trike. Wouldn’t want to break my hip. Sorry I couldn’t participate in the study (insomniac). He did a great job.

    See’s peanut brittle comes pretty close to perfection. Do you have See’s there? And homemade shortbread, of course. When it’s done right. I go to the Scottish games every years for the shortbread…and the music, and the sports, and the men in skirts.

    Lucky for you and your readers, I haven’t a clue about how to send a picture to you. But I look forward to viewing the gallery of champions.

  31. Comment by cheapie | 01.27.2007 | 1:55 pm

    what ARE the 7 perfect foods??? for me they’d be diet mt dew, m&m’s, tacos, beef jerky, cheddar cheese, english muffins with butter and pbj, and maybe pf chang’s lettuce wraps.

  32. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.27.2007 | 1:59 pm

    Ha, anonymous… funny stuff.

    I don’t own that group blog where I occasionally rant about politics and often about bicycles, booze, power tools, music or my favorite broads. Good thing too — like a dog, I occasionally make a mess on the carpet, eat the host’s shoes, and drool on the sofa. I’m better as a guest, than running the jernt. What’s more, Mike, who owns the place, is actually quite the wordsmith when he cares to do more than shoot from the hip; he’s written some exceptional pieces from time to time. Besides, the category of conservative/Chicago-School -libertarian/bicycle/psychobilly music/old car/power tools / occasionally ranting sometimes thoughtful /political blogs is a really small one, with Bill Quick at Daily Pundit holding the West Coast market for that kind of thing.

    So, short answer: I’m a soul blogger, man. Not here for the awards, just here for the bloggy goodness.

  33. Comment by spin echo | 01.27.2007 | 5:01 pm

    botched – yup, got my PhD mail order in biomedical engineering — yeah, I know, what the heck is THAT? too hard to explain.

    fatty – your son did an awesome job — seriously. And, by the way, after that flattery, would you be willing to divulge the secret of the 7 perfect foods?

  34. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.27.2007 | 5:04 pm

    spin echo, not hard to explain, just hard to find a job with.

  35. Comment by LMouse | 01.27.2007 | 5:58 pm

    Try the Bay Area, Botched

  36. Comment by spin echo | 01.27.2007 | 6:07 pm

    botched – yup, should have picked chemE like my twin who is working for intel in portland oregon

  37. Comment by IndoorRolyPoly | 01.27.2007 | 6:32 pm

    M&M’s: Made by Gods, handed out by the devils!

  38. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 01.27.2007 | 7:31 pm

    LanterneRouge – of course vegemite is one of the perfect foods. But sadly, the USA will now have to survive on the other 6 perfect foods because it’s now illegal to have Vegemite over there. Something about the smell and taste and consistency being too overbearing and very useful in masking the “special” aromas that DEA sniffer dogs are trained to find.

  39. Comment by BOSSY | 01.28.2007 | 12:39 pm

    M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Neither represents a flattering scenario to Bossy. Nice will power.

  40. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 01.29.2007 | 9:07 am

    Fatty, you should get an ads for schwag deal with M&M’s. They’ve been mentioned enough in this one post I’m going to have to go pick up a bag of PBM&M’s.

  41. Comment by Antibush | 02.14.2007 | 4:26 pm

    Watch subject. Bush and the Republicans were not protecting us on 9-11, and we aren’t a lot safer now. We may be more afraid due to george bush, but are we safer? Being fearful does not necessarily make one safer. Fear can cause people to hide and cower. What do you think? Why has bush turned our country from a country of hope and prosperity to a country of belligerence and fear.
    What happened to us, people? When did we become such lemmings?
    The more people that the government puts in jails, the safer we are told to think we are. The real terrorists are wherever they are, but they aren’t living in a country with bars on the windows. We are.

  42. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » The Seven Perfect Foods | 03.29.2007 | 10:21 am

    [...] A couple months ago, I posted about how pleased I was to have successfully resisted one of the seven perfect foods. In response, hundreds — nay, thousands! — of you have commented, emailed, and confronted me outright, all with one question: “What are the other perfect foods?” [...]

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