The Seven Perfect Foods

03.29.2007 | 10:20 am

A couple months ago, I posted about how pleased I was to have successfully resisted one of the seven perfect foods. In response, hundreds — nay, thousands! — of you have commented, emailed, and confronted me outright, all with one question: “What are the other perfect foods?”


To anyone who has ever dreamt of food, to anyone who has ever made a peanut putter, M&M, and chocolate syrup burrito, to anyone who has ever tasted my seven-layer dip, that question is as outrageous as it is spurious. As trite as it is insulting. As antithetical to the whole Fat Cyclist credo as Assos chamois creme on Performance-branded cycling shorts.

In short, I thumb my nose at you.

And yet, I am not without compassion (for those of you who have trouble tracking double negatives, that means I am compassionate. Glad I could help.). Here, then, are the seven perfect foods.

Is the genius of the M&M that it has a candy shell that crushes perfectly when I am in a crushing mood, but melts elegantly when I want my chocolate soft? Or is the genius in the tiny hint of peanut in the chocolate. I say it is both!

There are those of you who are at this moment wondering whether it is the plain or peanut M&Ms that are perfect. To which I answer: they are equally perfect, and yet — somehow — even more perfect when mixed together.

“How can two separate items be individually perfect, and yet more perfect together,” you ask? “Is perfection not an absolute,” you ask? Good questions, valid questions.

And yet I hold my ground. Perfection is not rational, after all.

It is, however, delicious.

Note: Almond M&Ms, Peanut Butter M&Ms, etc. are all well and good, but are not really M&Ms. They’re poseurs — mere brand extensions — riding on the coattails of the real M&Ms.

Peanut Butter
Consider peanut butter for a moment. Is it sweet or salty? It is both! Is it smooth or crunchy? It is both! Is it delicious when spread on bread with honey? Yes! Is it wonderful with grape or strawberry jam? Of course! Is it wonderful with bananas and mayonnaise? Yes, a thousand times yes! And I don’t care if you don’t dare try it. Your loss. Fool.

And what if you use peanut butter as a dip with Oreos or Fritos? Brilliant. As an ingredient in a milkshake? Awesome. As a way to get gum out of your daughters hair? Once again, success!

Peanut butter, I love you.

The Avocado
I have spent hours contemplating the avocado. How can a tree, using nothing but dirt, water, and sunlight, produce a fruit that is almost pure fat? How can the skin of that fruit be just tough enough to protect the soft buttery goodness within, yet yielding enough to allow you to test its ripeness with a simple finger press?

How is it possible that the avocodo has such a mellow, understated flavor that is nevertheless so compelling? How could it be so wonderful when mashed and mixed with a little salsa, yet be equally delightful when cut up and eaten on an open-faced turkey/tomato/avocado sandwich?

How? I demand to know!

I hereby submit the avocado as proof of the existence of God.

The Burrito
It’s a simple idea, really. Wrap the most delicious meat, cheese, sour cream, guacamole (oh, rapturous guacamole!), black beans (or — if you must — refried beans, though I don’t personally see the point in refried beans) in a tortilla.

You’d think that something so simple would be easy to execute. And yet, I could neve find a really good burrito within fifty miles of the Microsoft campus.

And people ask why I moved.

It’s pasta! It’s meat and / or cheese! It’s two taste treats in one, is what it is.

I should be clear here. For both the Burrito and Ravioli, inclusion in the “Perfect Foods” list implies that these foods are perfect when well executed. Chef Boyardee doesn’t count.

Unless you’ve just come back from a five-hour ride. Then Chef Boyardee does just fine, thanks.

I don’t even know where to start with the potato. Bake it, fry it, mash it, au gratin (whatever that means) it, hash-brown it. Is there anything the potato can’t do?

No. I answer my question myself, in case someone out there doesn’t realize it’s rhetorical. There is nothing the potato cannot do.

And, amazingly, no matter what you do to it, it’s even better if you put ketchup on it.

The other foods in this list are all perfect. That’s why they’re on this list. Duh.

That said, the grapefruit surpasses them all, for it is the antidote to all fat-making foods. Oh, and it cures illness and aging, too. Eat one every day and you will never die.

I have a question though: how come I can’t ever find good grapefruit after March 15?

I Welcome Your Response
There you have it. The seven perfect foods. I welcome your acknowledgment of the wisdom of this list. If you have quibbles, feel free to voice them, although I fully intend to ridicule anyone who disagrees with me.

PS: Today’s weight: 162.8


  1. Comment by Blake | 03.29.2007 | 10:41 am

    Sacrilege! Is it really possible that you spent time in Redmond searching for a burrito, and never found Casa D’s Taqueria in downtown Bellevue? This is truly difficult to believe.

  2. Comment by TidusBlue | 03.29.2007 | 10:49 am

    I would have to agree that a well made burrito is the perfect food. and grapfruit with just a little sugar (or your choice of sugar substitute) on it is the stuff that I wake up for in the morning….

  3. Comment by Roland | 03.29.2007 | 10:50 am

    I think cheese and twizzlers should be on that list. And I think the peanut butter M&M is better than the regular M&M.

    I also think that, if it existed, the Waterlemon should be on the list.

  4. Comment by Tg | 03.29.2007 | 10:54 am

    I think I would remove grapefruit and replace it with parmesan cheese, not the grainy stuff in the green can, a real, live hunk of bite you back parmesan. While I see your points about M&M’s, I’d much rather have a Reese’s Peantbutter Easter Egg or a regular old Reese’s cup than M&M’s. But that’s okay…to each his own. That is why Baskin and Robbins offers 31 Flavors.

  5. Comment by UltraRob | 03.29.2007 | 11:01 am

    I certainly agree on the avacados. The first day during Race Across America last year, I thought I saw some lying along the road under what appeared to be avacado trees. It did seem a bit late in the season but I live in Colorado so I don’t really know what the season for them is in California. I was tempted to stop and check to see if they were good.

    You missed peanut butter pie. It’s something my Mom makes and I’m not sure where she got the recipie. You make a thin pizza sized peanut butter cookie for the crust. Coat the cookie in a layer of peanut butter. On top of the add marshmallows. The drizzle it with chocolate syrup and sprinkle peanuts on top. Then put it in the oven until the marshmallows are nice and gooey. Don’t leave it in too long or the marshmallows start getting hard.

  6. Comment by axel | 03.29.2007 | 11:04 am

    where is beer on the list? It should be right at the top!
    throw out the peanut butter if you can (its hard because it sticks to you), and replace it with beer. Good beer brewed by people who care, not Miller or Bud.

  7. Comment by LanterneRouge | 03.29.2007 | 11:09 am

    I knew that there was a God when I was 14 years old and I first saw Sofia Loren in some movie on TV wearing a nearly backless little black dress with a plunging neck line and oh so high heels. Avacado doesn’t really measure up to that as far as I’m concerned.

  8. Comment by BillGriz | 03.29.2007 | 11:20 am

    Peanut butter. Is there a cyclist alive that does not relish peanut butter? I ride first thing in the AM and all I can think about is how delicious my peanut butter and chocolate chips mixture spread over as many waffles as I can fit in the toaster will be! Long live Peanut Butter and all those who make it, unless of course it has Salmonella in it and then let them rot!

  9. Comment by TimK | 03.29.2007 | 11:39 am

    Beans and toast.
    Beer. “Good beer brewed by people who care, Not Miller or Bud.” Unless there is some guy named Bud Miller who runs a micro-brew and it tastes as good as Oskar Blues.

  10. Comment by Sophia | 03.29.2007 | 11:41 am

    Well done, FC, you are quite familiar with the tasty foods. I would only switch the order and make a couple changes…

    1. Avocado, the best food in the world (or “avacado” if you’re FC or Ultrarob). 2. Burrito (if you get guacamole on it) 3. Peanutbutter, tasty and filling 4. Any kind of pasta 5. Sweet Potato, better for you and naturally tastier 6. Grapefruit

    And no M&M’s. I might be alone in this, but I don’t like chocolate.

  11. Comment by Mocougfan | 03.29.2007 | 12:01 pm

    Is the previous Sophia the same Sofia that LanterneRouge mentioned? JK. I love burritoes. Esp fajitas from San Antonio.

  12. Comment by Chris | 03.29.2007 | 12:01 pm

    Axel – Beer would go on the drink list, not the food list.
    TG – Thanks for pointing out how much better a Reese’s Peantbutter Easter Egg is than a regular ole RP Cup. Size and shape make an incredible taste difference.

    Fatty -
    Mint M&M’s are the only incarnation that are worthy to still be called M&M’s.

    And I would add Reese’s Pieces to the list. Almost as perfect as an M&M, but with delicious peanut butter inside. Reese’s knows what it’s doing when it comes to peanut butter goodness!

  13. Comment by msk | 03.29.2007 | 12:02 pm

    peanut butter, never liked it – the devils sticky lumpy vomit
    does that mean i’m not a cyclist?
    now nutella, that is a tasty spread

    my 7 perfect foods, in no particular order

    1. the burrito boyz halibut burrito
    they took the simple question “how can you make the humble burrito better?”
    and answered “why by filling it with deep fried battered fish”

    2. ice-cream – while obviously not a traditionalist when it comes to burritos i must say i’m a traditionalist when it comes to ice-cream – it’s a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate, thankyou

    3. KLB raspberry wheat beer
    “Light amber in color, with a frothy white head, this smooth full bodied wheat beer is distinguished by a fresh raspberry bouquet that is slightly tart to the taste. ”
    while i have oft been called a “nancy boy”, “big girl’s blouse” etc. for this choice of “fruit” beer i defy anyone to find a better beer on a warm summers evening (perhaps on a train bound for nowhere)

    4. steak / cow – rib eye on the bbq – keep it simple, salt and pepper – less is more

    5. whole wheat pita filled with tuna, cottage cheese, mashed banana, mustard – i survived for a year mostly on these little babies

    6. fish and chips – ah, the deep fat frier – scotland contribution to world gastronomy
    preferably wrapped in newspaper
    plenty of salt and malt vinegar

    7. the chip butty
    it’s just so simple it’s brilliant
    a sandwich of white bread (none of that wholegrain nonsense)
    butter (absolutely no margarine)
    chips (well, french fries to you n.americans) but not your skinny assed fries but big chunky hand cut fries
    if you must ketchup but i would rather you didn’t – my preference is for hp sauce
    as you bite into this king of sandwiches the hot greasy chips melt the butter and the resulting mix runs down your chin – heaven

    anyway must dash – time for my angioplasty



  14. Comment by Steve | 03.29.2007 | 12:08 pm

    But beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy. Well, so said Ben Franklin, and who among us is going to deny that genius? Certainly not I, as I live in a house of glass beer bottles.

  15. Comment by Den | 03.29.2007 | 12:11 pm

    You know the Avocado has one more awesome feature: guacamole… No, not making it, you included that indirectly. Saying that word: GUACAMOLE. It is definately on the list of Top Ten fun words to say.

    Every time I say it, I follow it with a cha cha cha. It’s just fun!

  16. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 03.29.2007 | 12:26 pm

    Hey, Red Lantern, are you saying that Sophia Lauren is a perfect food?

    Fatty, delete ravioli and substitute pizza. Throw your avacado as far as possible and replace it with Milk (from a cow). Squash your grapefruit and bring on the bacon.

  17. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 03.29.2007 | 12:26 pm

    Axel – here, here, where’s the beer.

    Chris – who’s ever heard of such a thing; beer not a food? You should visit Belgium (or Ireland or Australia) before you put forward such a proposal.

    Fatty – with this being a cycling oriented blog administered by gent of your vintage (and mine) I find it difficult to understand how the banana is not right near the top of the list. In the pre-Gu era banana was King [yes capital K King] and we, as members of the cycling elite should be more diligent in upholding our valuable history. I therefore offer the following entry for your list

    The banana…
    Is it sweet? Yes!
    Is it too sweet? No!
    Is it sticky and messy? No!
    Does it come protected in its own organic wrapper to save it from the spare tube that it shares space with in your jersey pocket? Yes!
    It’s the only cycling food that you can throw the wrapper under a tree out on the road and not feel guilty about.
    Viva le Banana.

  18. Comment by Rick S. | 03.29.2007 | 12:27 pm

    You nailed it w/ the peanut butter. Hands down the best food ever. In fact, I recently found that you can take a handful of peanut butter and smear it behind your ears before a long ride. Whenever you need some fuel, reach back and grab some. Easy to do while riding.

  19. Comment by SYJ | 03.29.2007 | 12:29 pm

    Hmmm…While I agree with your choices, I’d have to add:

    1) Beer. Non-Utah/DABC type. Since we’re talking about food here, we’ll have to go with a nice, thick, creamy stout. Nitro, of course. And to think, 11.2 oz of Guinness has only 110 cals. Protein too (1g?).

    2) Cheese. Any kind, so long as it is recognizable as cheese (ie, not velveeta, not “american”, and not something that sprays out of a can).

    3) Kit Kat bars. Crunchy. Chocolatey. and there are five (or is it four? or six?) in every bar.

    4) Mole pablano. Dark, rich, slightly sweet, with a nice spicy kick (loco lizard does it pretty well if’n you’re in UT)

    5) Almost anything you can put Tabasco’s new Chipotle sauce on and choke down.

    6) Sushi – specifically, Tuna or Salmon. As long as its fresh, and comes with plenty of wasabi and ginger.

    7) And saving the best for last, coffee (good, fresh, and lap-scaldingly hot). Again, straddles the food/beverage line, but since my “breakfast” typically consists of 2+ cups o’ joe each AM, I’ll let it slide.

  20. Comment by rz | 03.29.2007 | 12:31 pm

    FC –

    I am doing the 5 boro ride in NYC the first weekend of May. If you decide to skip out on the race you’re doing that weekend, you have an open invitation to crash at my pad. And best of all, we can go to Little Italy in the Bronx and buy fresh, homemade Ravioli from Borgatta’s. When I think about how good they are, I say…

    Oh. My. God.

    I honestly think the thought of getting them back to my apartment as fast as possible has easily added an average 5 mph to my overall speed. (And that’s pretty good considering the potholes on Fordham Road!)

  21. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.29.2007 | 12:33 pm

    Fatty, thanks for showing me the light. Except I think you’re light is a bit low on wattage.
    Although all the foods you listed are great (except grapefruit) the peanut butter m&m is definitely superior. That may not make it a perfect food, but it does make it THE perfect food. Plus, isn’t that sassy green m&m the pb one?

    Peanut butter- yes
    Avacado- yes
    Burrito- Fiesto Ole in Kearns. Nothing better.
    Ravioli- Spinach Ravioli from Tucci’s
    Potato- maybe. I’d put ice cream here. Actually I’d put ice cream at the top of the list. Cold Stone, with everything chocolate, peanut butter and then some marshmallows for texture and sprinkles for color, oh and some kind of nut. The ice cream flavor doesn’t really matter because it will be so loaded with mix-ins it just becomes the paste holding it all together. Hagen Daas also make the world best, smoothest, creamiest strawberry ice cream. This is not up for debate.

    Hmm, I guess since I discounted the grapefruit that leave me one short. I’m going to add chocolate milk!

    Oh, and I agree with Roland’s cheese remark, provided its perfect cheese the cheap grocery store brands would never make the cut.

    On a side note- UltraRob, do you know nothing about blogging. You should have tested the avacados. That makes for a much better read than someone with some real rational thinking. I mean, we all enjoyed Kenny’s write up.

    Sophia and msk seem made for each other- they are both a little sick and twisted. Who doesn’t like m&m’s or peanut butter. Most people wouldn’t have made it alive past age 5 without these two staples.

  22. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.29.2007 | 12:37 pm

    I always knew I liked you Botched.

  23. Comment by KeepYerBag | 03.29.2007 | 12:41 pm

    Any perfect food list that excludes PIZZA cannot be taken seriously.

    Think about it: Have you ever had a BAD pizza? Yeah, it’s easy to make a bad burrito or bad ravioli, and even the beloved avocado has to be eaten at just the right time or it tastes like axle grease, but it takes a conscious, concerted effort to concoct a rotten pizza.

    (Actually, I’ve had two bad pizzas, but that’s only TWO out of the 438,696 I’ve consumed in my lifetime.)

    Did you know the best pizza in the world is in Draper? Nevole’s Pizza–New York style pizza perfection. Their pizza with just sauce and cheese is ten times better than any gourmet pizza on the planet.

  24. Comment by Miles Archer | 03.29.2007 | 12:41 pm

    Zachary’s chicago style pizza. Preferably spinach and mushroom.

  25. Comment by SYJ | 03.29.2007 | 12:43 pm

    Nevole’s? Where in Draper?

  26. Comment by fatty | 03.29.2007 | 12:45 pm

    blake – casa d’s is 32% as good as the average taco stand in utah county. it’s 28% as good as the worst taco stand in new mexico. i’m sorry, but you simply cannot get good mexican food within 50 miles of microsoft. however, in the interest in fairness, i will say that since leaving washington i miss the outstanding selection of thai, indian, and malaysian food.

    tidusblue – i see people put sugar on grapefruit, and i simply don’t get it. it’s a grapefruit. it’s tart. embrace it.

    roland – i had a childhood allergy to watermelon. can a food that gave me hives be perfect? i think not. that said, if there were an honorable mention list for perfect foods (there’s not) cantaloupe, twizzlers, cheese, cholula, mayonnaise, and sour cream would all be on that list.

    tg – if you removed grapefruit and replaced it with parmesan cheese, you’d upset the balance of the universe. luckily for everyone, i am the person who decides what foods are perfect, not you.

    ultrarob – as you clearly did not read in the definition of perfect food, a food must be replicable by more than one person in order to be perfect. that’s why your mom’s peanut butter pie isn’t there, and it’s why my mom’s lasagna isn’t there. if only one person can make it, it’s excessively limited, which is a flaw.

    axel – beer may well have been on this list IF BEER WERE A FOOD. turns out it’s a beverage. even if we made a list of perfect beverages, beer would not have been on the list because items 1-6 would be variations of my cake shake, and item 7 would be diet coke with lime.

    lanternerouge – the thing about sofia loren is that she has terrible body odor. avocadoes, on the other hand, smell exquisite. oh, and also, sofia loren is CONSTANTLY making fart jokes. it wears thin after a while.

    billgriz – you know, i had salmonella for a while. didn’t bother me that much. i just pushed through it. i don’t know why everyone makes such a fuss about it.

    timk – beans and toast? lentils? you forgot rat poison.

    sophia – no order was intended for this list, so re-ordering is unnecessary. the sweet potato, while useful in its own right, cannot be used to make hashbrowns and does not go well with ketchup. here’s a tip for future reference: if it’s not on my perfect food list, it’s not a perfect food. also, you are the only one who doesn’t like m&ms. you may want to consult with a physician or hypnotherapist with regards to this problem.

    mocougfan – while i like reese’s peanut butter cups as much as the next guy, this brand has been so overextended as to be trite. are trite foods capable of being perfect (hint: the answer is “no.”).

    msk – i love nutella. however, i buy peanut butter more often, even though there’s nothing stopping me from buying nutella instead. so, objectively, if i buy object A more often than object B, object A must be better. if Object B is not as good as object A, it must be flawed somehow. if Object B is flawed, it is not perfect. thus concludes my unassailable proof. thank you.

    steve – since you did not actually contradict me, i have nothing insulting to say to you.

    den – i just tried saying “cha cha cha” after saying “guacamole” and am astounded to discover you are absolutely right. thank you.

    botched – pizza isn’t a food. it’s a food group. you’re not even a real doctor, are you?

    big mike – the banana would be on the list if it didn’t make me so gassy. that said, you are otherwise correct. if i had an honorable mention list (which i do not), the banana would be on it.

    rick s – you did an excellent job of agreeing with me. that’s what i like about you.

    syj – when i do a 7 perfect condiments list (and i intend to), tobasco chipotle will go on it. possibly twice.

    rz – i have never had this ravioli you speak of, but suddenly find myself thinking of some good reasons to take another business trip out to nyc.

    mrs coach – we’re not so different. see, i don’t count ice cream as a food. i count it as something that transcends food. the only problem with cold stone is their ice cream isn’t especially good. i mean, ben and jerry’s is clearly the better ice cream. sometimes i go to cold stone with a pint of ben and jerry’s cherry garcia and have the cold stone people mix in a cube of cream cheese (which i also bring in). they do it, and then they sing for me cuz i tip like a madman.

    keepyerbag, miles archer, syj – again, pizza is not a food. it’s a food group. including pizza on my list would have been like including “fruit.”

  27. Comment by SYJ | 03.29.2007 | 12:51 pm

    “sometimes i go to cold stone with a pint of ben and jerry’s cherry garcia and have the cold stone people mix in a cube of cream cheese (which i also bring in)”

    You are very strange.

    Note, I didn’t mention Pizza, but was merely curious about this “Nevole’s” establishment. Although now, I do find myself craving pizza. Fruit too, come to think of it.

  28. Comment by Mocougfan | 03.29.2007 | 1:03 pm

    Sad to disagree here but Pizza at Mama Santo’s in Little Italy outside of Cleveland is definately the best. It must be on the list. Grapefruit? Sick.

  29. Comment by sans auto | 03.29.2007 | 1:24 pm

    I will notice that the vegetable selection on your list was meager and as far as vegetables go, potatoes are worthless. Although I do like potatoes as a food. To aleviate this lack of vegetables I think you should try mixing peanut butter with collared greens. It will surprise you, and if anyone makes fun of you, you can call it a traditional African dish.

    I also enjoy peanut butter in my pasta with just a little bug juice (I think others call it soy sauce)… maybe you should try it on the ravioli.

    Dr. Botched-In my line of research both milk and bacon contribute to cancer, I don’t know if this is the place to drum up business.

  30. Comment by Chris | 03.29.2007 | 1:29 pm

    Fatty – Wow, I didn’t know there were other people that agreed with me that Cold Stone doesn’t make good ice cream. Have you seen the lines at that place on a weekend? I think people are afraid to stand up and state the truth. Thank you for saying so in a public forum!
    And speaking of Ben & Jerry’s – Chunk Monkey all the way. Love the banana.

  31. Comment by greg | 03.29.2007 | 1:44 pm

    Botched I agree completely. That actually made me laugh really loud.

  32. Comment by Wheels | 03.29.2007 | 2:23 pm

    Fatty, I knew you were a genius. Peanut butter, avocados, burritos, grapefruit. Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I’ll go dark chocolate, spinach, and the salmon for the remainders, but you’re certainly not far off. I too was concerned about the obvious absence of ice cream, and am glad to know that it holds a special place as better-than-perfect. I feared for a while that you didn’t hold peanut butter in such high regard since you were able to insult it with tofu. I found this combo to be a miserable excuse for a perfect food. It made me mad at tofu which has but a few merits on it’s own, and it made me a little mad at you for suggesting I waste even a tablespoon of a truly perfect food.

  33. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.29.2007 | 2:30 pm

    FC- are you serious? Cause if they’ll do that for you then this next Christmas season when they have their holiday flavors in I want to bring in some of my ever so tasty and deliciously chewy homemade gingerbread cookies for them to mix in. The appeal of cold stone is not that they’re the best (although in some ways they are) is that I can put as many things in my ice cream as I want. And I usually want a lot. That said, I have two pints of Ben & Jerry’s in my freezer: Marsha, Marsha, Marshmellow (mallows are one of my favorite ice cream companions) and Everything But The… (this emphasizes the fact that I lot tons of stuff in my ice cream)

    I haven’t tried the pizza place in Draper, though maybe I will now since a FOF has recommended it, my favorite is Gepettos in Holladay. Get the California garden on a honey whole weat, add chicken ask for extra lemon wedges and honey (not you’re not going to order tea). When the pizza arrives squeeze lemon on it, sprinkle with red pepper and drizzle with honey. You’ll want to eat it with a fork now. Trust me the combination of all the veggies, cheese, tart lemon, spicy red pepper and sweet honey is divine. Crud, now I have to get pizza for dinner. Oh, and the lemon/red pepper/honey combo works on just about any pizza. You can thank me later.

  34. Comment by barry1021 | 03.29.2007 | 2:56 pm

    Fellow B7 ers

    Have you all gone mad? Can’t you see what your sneaky COMPETITOR, the person looking to beat your sorry collective and slightly fleshy asses into the ground, is doing? Have we not learned once the Fatman falls off the dieting wagon, the only way he climbs back on is to get his stash of M&M’s he left next to the hand brake??

    He is trying to take us down with him!!!! Do not fall for this superficial and demeaning effort by The Expanding One to join him in the gutter of culinary debauchery. I say arise! Arise, and seek out the calming influence of celery sticks, rice cakes and colon cleansers. Now is our time to show him that we are made of stener stuff, that…

    oops gotta go, dinner time!!


  35. Comment by Shanyn | 03.29.2007 | 3:10 pm

    How could you miss Gods’ one perfect food? That taste sensation that also incorporates the four-food groups? That tastes delicious whether a $.99 special at your local super market, or as a $20.00 gourmet pie? I am speaking of the incredible, edible pizza! I have never encountered a variation of this taste treat that I would not gladly eat…

  36. Comment by Karst | 03.29.2007 | 3:33 pm

    Did anyone notice the adds at the top solicit participation in lawsuits against the purveyors of the salmonella-laced peanut butter?

    I trust that no cyclists had any problems…right, Fatty? Or is that the secret of your (earlier) weight loss?

  37. Comment by Jose | 03.29.2007 | 3:33 pm

    Sorry fatty: I never liked the peanut butter and I think that there are not many cyclists outside US that get to quite understand your special taste for it.

    Here are my my seven perfect foods:

    Jamon Serrano (not the cheap prosciutto sold anywhere, I like the bellota spanish one)
    Sushi (any variation)
    Avocado (agree)
    Pistachio (I could eat one pound everyday)
    Cheese (any kind but real cheese)
    Paella (uhmmm)
    Onions and Garlic (no recipe is complete without them)


    Beer and Wine.

  38. Comment by Boz | 03.29.2007 | 3:33 pm

    Ok, all of the above are great, but I have a list of some foods I can’t live without.
    1 – Coney’s or Coney Islands or sliders. Nothing like 6 or 8 at 2 am after a pub crawl. No wonder I had no sprint the next day. But, who needs it when nobody would stay in my draft. Go figure.
    2 – Lutefisk. Being of Scandahovin heritidge, cod soaked in lye at the local Luthern church supper is a tradition unmatched. Hold your nose.
    3- Bagels w/ cream cheese – carbs and fat – throw in some lochs for protien, an almost perfect training food. Oy.
    4- Turkey. Versital, hot, cold, dark meat or white, sandwhich alone, or w/ mashed potatoes & stuffing. Very Pilgram.
    5 – Nuts – Al M seems partial to them, cashews hit the spot and are easy to carry. Good source of protein.
    6 – Gyros – Lamb/beef sausage stuff, yazake(?) sauce, onion, tomato, wrapped in a pita, almost all food groups represented. It’s all Greek to me, but it eats well.
    7- Jelly Belly jelly beans. How do they do it ? And who thought of all those flavors ?

    Yes, pizza is a food. I can name 7 of those no sweat. Just try me.

  39. Comment by KatieA | 03.29.2007 | 3:37 pm

    Perfect Foods…

    You forgot eggs! I LOVE eggs. two whites and a whole egg on some thick cut toast with a sprinkling of chives – the perfect breakfast. Or lunch. Or come to think of it, I’ve had that for dinner too.

    Big Mike – I visited the “Big Banana” last weekend and had a banana smoothie and some banana bread. I bought a map with all of Australia’s “big” things on it. I aim to visit all.

    I’ll get rid of the M&Ms though and insert 80% cocoa chocolate – and you only need a tiny bit to be satisfied!

    I agree with Axel – where is beer? There is a post on my blog “32 Reasons to Love Beer” – and it is a food. Ever eaten Guiness? You can’t drink that stuff.

    As for your others…

    Peanut Butter – yummy for Satays, but I wouldn’t call it a perfect food. I much prefer the actual nuts, than nut paste.

    Avocado – sprinkled with a little salt on toast, and I heartily agree.

    Burrito – OK, why are these perfect? It’s basically a sandwich.

    Ravioli – I eat this kind of thing raw (just the cheesey / spinach ones). It’s my carbs before sport usually.

    Potato – I love smashed potatoes. And I had a fish pie the other night with a potato topping… I don’t know what they did to it, but I wanted to lick the plate.

    Grapefruit – hate them with a passion. They squirt in your eye, they taste too sour (I would even prefer lemons over them) and don’t do anything to satiate your hunger.

    I still can’t believe you missed eggs.

  40. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 03.29.2007 | 3:59 pm

    Fatty, you call pizza (which has like 3 or 4 components) a food group, yet your 7-layer burrito counts as ONE FOOD? Tsk tsk tsk. Are you even a real fat cyclist?

  41. Comment by LungCookie | 03.29.2007 | 4:03 pm

    Oh the burrito….the post ride piesta-de-resistance. You have so inspired me, that to pay homage in the future, I will refer to my after workout Cafe Rio, enchilada style as………….”Rolling a Fatty”

  42. Comment by Al Maviva | 03.29.2007 | 4:15 pm

    The seven perfect foods? Considering that beer is deemed a food per the Rheinheitsgebot, a fact that even an Italian Pope acknowledged, this is a silly question.

    A bottle of Lindemann’s Kriek, chased with a six pack of Sierra Nevada IPA are the perfect seven foods.

    Silly frickin’ question. Really.

  43. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 03.29.2007 | 4:28 pm

    Beer takes a backseat to diet coke with lime and some silly shakes?! So sad. Avocado is only good mixed with chicken, corn, rice, some other stuff and added to a fajita like package. By itself, no good. Grapefruit is terrible, it is merely a wannabe orange. I agree with everything else, although I would take peanut butter M&M’s over any other anyday. However, this is your blog and your list, so I will simply leave you to your delusions…

  44. Comment by TimK | 03.29.2007 | 4:42 pm

    Trying to lump my lentils and beans and toast (for breakfast mind you) in with rat poison? Yeah, you promised to insult anyone who dare challenge your authority on food, but I have to remember that this so-called authority on perfect food is a hundred-sixty-some-odd pound klutz who thinks mixing tofu and pb is alright. “Never trust a skinny chef” indeed!
    I almost want to go Dr. Laemmler on you!
    Oh, and anyone who thinks Chicago-style pizza is better than New York-style Pizza is a communist crack-smoker.

  45. Comment by KeepYerBag | 03.29.2007 | 4:44 pm

    Not trying to hijack the conversation, but Fatty’s objection notwithstanding, we are talking about perfect food here and people have asked, so here goes:

    Nevole’s Pizza is at 51 East 11400 South in Draper, in a little strip mall west of Home Depot.

    It’s nothing fancy facility-wise, and you won’t find things like artichoke hearts and asparagus on the list of toppings. Pineapple is as exotic as it gets at Nevole’s, and even so you’ll get a funny look from them if you ask for pineapple. This is the real deal, the Genuine Jack straight from the Big Apple, so don’t expect them to let you muck up their pie with stuff God intended for salads and metrosexuals.

    It’s the best sauce on top of the best crust and pepperoni that’ll make you swear you’re at some joint in Little Italy just waiting for Vito and Santino to come in and take their booth in the back and talk business–it’s hands down the best pizza in Utah.

  46. Comment by lmouse | 03.29.2007 | 4:59 pm

    Marshmallow Peeps are a perfect food. I’ll tell you why. You can play with them, decorate your workspace with them, even make a Peeps topiary if you’ve a mind. Give them to co-workers as a thoughtful gift. Then you can eat them and they turn your teeth wonderful colors! Or you can keep them because they last forever, just like nuclear waste.

  47. Comment by Jsun | 03.29.2007 | 7:33 pm

    At first I thought my tough love comment yesterday backfired and you have completely slid off the scale, but after reading through the thousands of comments about food I feel sick, excellent strategy. And judging by your insulting comments (in jest or ingest) to the commentors you have found your agro-moto-vation. Keep on keepin on, wuss ;)

  48. Comment by Jerry | 03.29.2007 | 9:34 pm

    I no it’s been mentioned by those more eloquent than I but … where was the ice cream on that list? I often wonder why ice cream was invented. It is the one food I can not keep in the house. whereas one little bite turns into an orgy gluttony results in emptied in one sitting containers and serious damage to ones diet. As for the perfect flavor there is no bad flavor.


  49. Comment by FatArsedWombat | 03.29.2007 | 9:38 pm

    I acknowledge your wisdom re perfect foods and humbly ask whether you have eaten Tim Tams, Australia’s finest chocolate biscuit. Like the M&M, they have tampered with its perfection by bringing out flavoured versions, but they are wrong in every way. The only variation on the original Tim Tam that is permissible is the dark chocolate Tim Tam. Dark chocolate Tim Tams are the best for Tim Tam Explosions, where you bite the corners off the biscuit (on the diagonal – it is a rectangular biscuit) and proceed to suck your coffee through the biscuit, resulting in a tremendous explosion of Tim Tam goodness – you have to throw your head back at precisely the right moment to prevent making a fool of yourself at the table (obviously). This works with original Tim Tams too, of course, but the dark chocolate goes better with coffee. Original Tim Tams are a perfect breakfast food, a perfect anti-stress food, a perfect food. Other fat cyclists from Australia will surely agree with me.

  50. Comment by TheLurker | 03.30.2007 | 12:00 am

    In no particular order.
    Bacon sarnies. Fried bread. Stovies. Melitsanasalata. Yigandes. Baked spud with butter. Sherry Trifle.

  51. Comment by Weean | 03.30.2007 | 12:04 am

    Hmmm, interesting.

    Of all seven “perfect” foods, only one (the potato) could conceivably be used in a crockpot/slow cooker.

    Is this some kind of admission, Fatty?

    Fight the demons- as a non-B7 participant I have no reason to hope you lose your challeng (schadenfreude excepted), and I hate to think of you becoming so disillusioned by losing shed-loads of cash that you give up the blog.

    Doesn’t this kind of contradict my last post? I’m human, that’s why you love me!

  52. Comment by Weean | 03.30.2007 | 12:05 am

    Mmmmmmmmmm, stovies!

  53. Comment by John | 03.30.2007 | 2:40 am

    OK, we’ve all spotted that there are several obvious mistakes in Fatty’s list. Non-USAians will be particularly confused by the inclusion of M&Ms and those Mexican sandwiches.

    Here’s the real list, with an Antipodean slant:

    1. Eggs. KatieA is right – eggs are on the list. Nature’s perfect food, perfectly packaged. Not supermarket eggs, but the ones laid by your own chickens in your own back yard. These actually have a flavour.

    2. Avocado. No argument there.

    3. Honey on wholemeal toast. Real honey, not blended pasteurised, homogenised, tasteless mass-produced honey. Ideally on home-made wholemeal bread, which when toasted has a delicious nutty taste, perfectly offset by the honey.

    4. All Australians know that the perfect breakfast includes Vegemite on toast. I can’t describe the flavour, and if I told you what it’s made of, you’d puke. If you haven’t grown up here, you’ve unfortunately missed the chance to become accustomed to the taste, and can never learn to appreciate it. Your loss.

    5. Mangoes. Bowen mangoes, in season. Yum.

    6. Chocolate. The darker the better. Coating it in coloured sugar does not improve the flavour, it just stops it melting on your fingers, and where’s the fun in that?

    7. Stout. Beer is nice, but as Fatty says, it’s a beverage, not a food. A pint of stout, on the other hand, is a square meal. As the old pub poster says, “Guinness is good for you.”

    You’re welcome.

  54. Comment by Tim D | 03.30.2007 | 2:58 am

    Guiness is a food. I remember reading somewhere that there is sufficient nutrients to live on in 12 pints of Guinness and a pint of milk every day. But who could drink a whole pint of milk?

  55. Comment by rz | 03.30.2007 | 5:11 am

    Fatty –

    Just let me know the next time you’re in NY and I’ll give you the tour of the real Little Italy where my grandparents grew up.

    And for all of you out there claiming the best NY style pie is outside of NYC, you are all, as TimK says, communist crack-smokers.

  56. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 03.30.2007 | 5:33 am

    Fatty – That’s exactly why bananas should be on the list. Who ever heard of a bike rider that wasn’t gassy.

    And as for the perfect food, wouldn’t one food made out of the seven foods be the perfectest of perfect foods? How about a burrito filled with ravioli, avocado and mashed potato, washed down with a peanut butter, grapefruit and m&m smoothie. If the smoothie makes you gag (which I doubt) you could use the peanut butter to coat the top of the burrito to help glue the m&ms on top and then dunk the whole thing in a bowl of grapefruit pulp “sauce”.

    That’ll be $47.50 including tax and tip.

    Would sir like an after dinner mint with his port?

    You’re welcome.

  57. Comment by Al (female) | 03.30.2007 | 5:46 am

    If it’s a good burrito you are seeking the next time you are in Texas you should hit up Freebirds. Not only are they awesomely delicious but they’re huge too. You could live off their Super Monster for a week. Ok maybe a person with normal eating habits could, I’d give you an hour twenty tops.

    And while you gave it a cameo in the peanut butter section you missed adding honey to the list. Local honey (anyone’s local) not the stuff that comes in a jar shaped like a bear.

  58. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 03.30.2007 | 5:59 am

    We’ve discussed Vegemite before you either love it or don’t there is no imbetween. Tim Tams are copies of the English penguin biscuit before the Oz’s leap in on me the Penguin predates the Tim tam by 30 years I know I lost a bet on this. Both biscuits are great. But my beef here is the beer. Definitely a food and Coopers Pale Ale is at the top of the pecking order. It’s the solids floating in suspension that lift it above all others. I believe that based on the evidence presented here FC is clearly incorrect and that are indeed more than 7 perfect foods.

  59. Comment by Boz | 03.30.2007 | 6:26 am

    A good oatmeal stout definately bridges the gap between food and beverage. Thick, rich and satisfying. A meal in a glass. Lake Superior Brewing Co. makes an excellent version. And the health benefits of oatmeal are widely known, so drink up.

  60. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 03.30.2007 | 6:27 am

    Born 4: I’m philosophically oppossed to anything floating in any liquid I’m drinking.

    Re Vegemite: Never had it and have looked for it at all the stores here in Utah. Big Mike once held a symposium on Vegemite on his blog. Highly educational. Vegemite may be the only food that is actually an industrail by-product.

  61. Comment by whatever comes | 03.30.2007 | 6:31 am

    you must be _________ kidding me? what a miserable, repressed sad twonk. Clearly, the m&m’s gave that away. How can brown-colored shavings swept off a floor loading with mice leavings and various other flea-infested garbage – melted down at a gazillion degress (so that no one actually dies from this ____ and someone sues the ___ off m&m’s ) and then made all colorful and CHILD friendly for all those ________ GITS out there qualify as the perfect food? Clearly, you belong to brainless mass comprising the gluttonous knobs of America. Adding the grapefruit to the perfect food – what ? you trying to show you are a health-conscious gluttonous git? Nice try. But it don’t work.

    [edited by fatty. because i can.]

  62. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.30.2007 | 6:53 am

    B&J’s Phish Food–Mmmmm…

  63. Comment by bikemike | 03.30.2007 | 7:40 am

    see, see, THIS is what we come to fatcyclist for. what is good to eat, not what we can’t eat.
    bravo, welcome back my friend.
    is fried shrimp a food group? how about with waffles?
    we must all have waffles forthwith.

  64. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 03.30.2007 | 9:32 am

    Lake Superior Brew’s Oatmeal Stout is fantastic! Summit also makes a Porter that is a meal in a glass. Darker beers are food in my opinion. And I also forgot to add tomatoes from my veggie garden to my list of what should replace grapefruit. I can eat them straight no problem, but they are really good dipped in some ranch or served with mozarella slices, basil, and balsamic vinegar drizzled on.

  65. Comment by DOM | 03.30.2007 | 9:37 am

    You’re losing me. The burrito is a perfect food, but pizza is a food group? I see more similarities than differences.

  66. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.30.2007 | 10:01 am

    Hmmmm, it’s probably best to ignore it, but it looks like “whatever comes” may have woken up on the wrong side of life. Imagine, hatin’ on M&Ms–yikes!

  67. Comment by dpcowboy | 03.30.2007 | 10:01 am

    I think you need counseling.
    I just re-read the Avocado section.
    But I agree wholeheartedly with you about grapefruit.

  68. Comment by barry1021 | 03.30.2007 | 10:59 am

    To TheLurker:
    Welcome friend to planet earth! May I ask what galaxy you hail from to eat such strange and unknown concoctions?

    Whatever Comes: You may have forgotten, but one of the FEW things FC does take seriously is that the blog be civil enough for his young children to read (see Maviva, Al, for how it can be done on the edge brilliantly).

    And I am going to hold my breath until someone tells me why a grape is a GRAPE and a grapeFRUIT is a grapefruit. Where pray tell is the connection? Some nearsighted botanistic type get to do the naming??


  69. Comment by BIKEMIKE | 03.30.2007 | 11:03 am

    you see my friend, a grape is a fruit and stands on its own. a grapefruit is a fruit but is not a grape, it just has grape in its name because, uhhmmm, it does.
    there, that should clear that up.

  70. Comment by barry1021 | 03.30.2007 | 11:29 am

    To BikeMike
    Welcome friend to planet earth!………


  71. Comment by Den | 03.30.2007 | 11:32 am

    Whatever comes: You sound like your pals with Dr. Lammler. How’s he doing?

    Fatty: Clearly she should win the award for clueless post of the week (although the M & M’s part had potential). Maybe you should send her the rest of your ASSOS chamois creme.

    Spalm with care baby….Spalm care.

  72. Comment by Steve | 03.30.2007 | 12:02 pm

    In re Grapefruit.

    It’s a little know fact but the name grapefruit is a mispronunciation of Great Fruit. See, the first person to eat this spurious offspring to the co-mingling of an orange and a lemon was trying impress upon his friends the delightful appeal of the ever-so-sweet orange with the clean finish of lemon zest should be known as the “Great Fruit”, as it is the best of both sweet and sour.
    However, as the sour was offended by the sweet, it became bitter. This bitterness grew. The growth of this bitterness led to jealousy. As green is the color of envy; pink is the color of jealousy. Thus the inside of the fruit is pink. (That and when you mix yellow and orange in a weird way – perhaps adding some red – you get pink.) Anyway… the guy took this huge bite. His friends gazed in amazement as his face contorted and changed shades (not quite like fatty’s can). They asked him what he thought of the fruit and he said… “Oh, it’s a gwaitfru all wight.” From hence forth, it has been known as the grapefruit.

  73. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 03.30.2007 | 12:10 pm

    the mouse droppings are where all the flavor is

  74. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.30.2007 | 1:09 pm

    Ah, i love this blog.

    Lurker- you’re going to have to post some of those recipes in the Food section of the forum, they sound interesting.

    John- You’re picky

    BigMike- you’re disgusting. You couldn’t pay me to eat that.

    Whatever- pull the stick out of your butt

    Bikemike- I’m going to make waffles while I watch General Conference yum!

  75. Comment by John | 03.30.2007 | 4:45 pm

    Mrs Coach, I’m not picky but we are talking about perfect foods here.

    Born 4 Lycra: Coopers Sparkling Ale is a fine beer, but you’re not supposed to drink the sediment – you pour the clear part off into a glass, and drink that. I stand by my assertion: beer is a beverage, stout is food. I’m pleased to see that several others here are of the same mind.

    I’m sure M&Ms are not as bad as “whatever” thinks, but they’re not one of the seven perfect foods, not by a long shot. Perhaps whatever should ease up on the coffee and have a chocolate. I’d recommend Belgian chocolate, but I might get accused of pickyness again.

  76. Comment by John | 03.30.2007 | 5:02 pm

    Oh, and Tim D:
    “Guiness is a food. I remember reading somewhere that there is sufficient nutrients to live on in 12 pints of Guinness and a pint of milk every day. But who could drink a whole pint of milk?”

    Excellent. Into the sig file it goes.

    Guinness is a food. I remember reading somewhere that there is sufficient nutrients to live on in 12 pints of Guinness and a pint of milk every day. But who could drink a whole pint of milk? — Tim D on

  77. Comment by Uncadan8 | 03.30.2007 | 7:30 pm

    John – Having had chocolates from several different parts of the world while in those parts of the world, I have to agree with your assessment of Belgian chocolate. Unbelievably smooth, luscious, sweetness that transports one to a higher plane of existence. I like it a lot.

  78. Comment by dawn | 03.31.2007 | 8:15 am

    Another point for potato – it can power a light bulb

  79. Comment by FatArsedWombat | 03.31.2007 | 10:22 pm

    Born 4 Lycra – I shan’t argue with your experience re the Penguin V Tim Tam lineage, other than to say that while a Penguin can get you out of a fix (being in a country that does not stock Tim Tams, for example), a Tim Tam is the superior biscuit. I will back you totally on the Coopers (Pale or Sparkling) as inclusion as a perfect food. Dark beers and stout certainly should be acknowledged as food, but I think the floaty bits of Coopers and its overall chunkiness demands its inclusion. Coopers Stout is quite a brew too – it’s Coopers and it’s stout. Could it be better?

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  85. Comment by eclecticdefined | 07.29.2009 | 5:18 pm

    Found your blog courtesy of Lance Armstrong’s twitter post. Had to go back to try to find the “beginning” and ran across this post. You are dead on, although I’d expand the list by one item – that being feta cheese. While I am a huge fan of sharp, pungent cheeses such as sharp provolone from Italy, tangy Swiss, or a good Parmesan from Italy, fresh feta is to die for. Pair avocado and feta and you have the food of the gods. I have to agree 10000% about mixing peanut and plain M&Ms, about peanut butter (my favorite used to be peanut butter, butter, and banana sandwiches on wheat berry bread), and about potatoes. Ravioli gets a sentence unto itself. My grandparents were from Italy. My grandmother made a mean homemade ravioli. Each ravioli was about 3″ square and stuffed with ricotta, parmesan, romano, spinach, and meat. Sometimes she’d stuff them with only the cheeses and spinach, then serve them with a white sauce and gigantic crab legs. Best.Food.Ever. Burritos, when well-executed, are definitely awesome, especially when you’re on the go. And grapefruit is, indeed, magic stuff. Now back to perusing your blog.

  86. Comment by Jay (anonymously) | 01.28.2010 | 12:13 am

    Since the original post is from 2007, and this is 2010, I doubt anybody will read this, but I have to say: (first of all Guacamole is truly fun to say and truly a blessing from heaven) the best burrito I have ever had was from Tony and Georgia’s Burritos and More in Las Vegas, New Mexico. Across the town square from the hotel where Teddy Roosevelt recruited some of his Rough Riders. It has (had? last there in 1995) an aluminum screen door on it, and T&G would take a couple weeks off for vacation, so sometimes it was closed. Truly excellent burritos, pork/green sauce, whatever…but the absolute best was the breakfast burrito. My wife and I got some as we drove out of town, ate them while driving over some mountains later that morning. Amazing. Manna. Fried egg, bacon, some kind of fresh hash browned potatoes…perfectly balanced. I never rememeber my dreams, but I’m positive I have dreamed about that burrito and forgotten the dream.

  87. Comment by R | 01.30.2010 | 2:36 pm

    And don’t forget that the potato can be used as a backup battery in a pinch- and is still a great food afterwards!!!

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