The Best of the “Open Letters To…”
A Very Special Note from Fatty: Last week’s contest to win the ridiculously cool Twin Six Speedy Jersey was huge. I’m really glad that I long ago learned my lesson and no longer force myself to actually choose an entry I like best, instead going for the extremely-clever selection technique of choosing a random comment, and if I like it, it’s the winner.
This time, the first random comment I landed on was Diego Noronha’s, who had the good sense to post the 63rd entry. Diego, email me with your address, and I’ll get that jersey to you. Hey, send a photo of you sporting this jersey when you get it, wouldja?
Another Very Special Note from Fatty: Tomorrow I’ll be launching the first-ever Fat Cyclist photo contest, provided I manage to finish figuring out this Gallery software. Kenny’s Photo (hey, check out the ad in the sidebar) will be giving the winner $100 credit in prints at his site as well as a professionally enlarged and sprayed print of your winning photo — as in 16″ x 20″ or 16″ x 24″, whatever works best with the shot. How’s that for cool? As usual, entering costs you nothing. Start looking for your best cycling-related photos now!
A Less-Special But Hopefully Somewhat Clarifying Note From Fatty for The Folks Surfing Here From the Bloggies Site: Here at Fat Cyclist, rather than asking my advertisers for money, I ask them to fork over some of their product or service. Then I give it away in a weekly (unless I get lazy) contest. This way my advertisers get a bunch o’ bounce for their buck, my readers discover that my advertisers have really cool products, and I get…um…I get…uhhhh…IÂ get to not have to figure out where blog income fits on my income taxes. It’s Win-win-win! Huzzah!
So just in case you haven’t already made up your mind in voting in the Bloggies’ Best-Kept Secret category, feel free to ask yourself, “Of all the blogs I read, which is most likely to actually give me something in return?
Not that I’m trying to bribe you or anything.
At least, not at the moment.
Although, now that I think about it….
The Best of the “An Open Letter To…” Series
Little by little, I’m trying to move some of the popular entries from my old MSN Spaces site over here. Today I’m going with my “Open Letter To…” stuff (by the way, check out To Whom It May Concern, another one of the Bloggies Best Kept Secret finalists. This blog does excellent open letters three times a week). Â
An Open Letter to Assos: This letter — a critique of a ridiculous ad in a popular cycling magazine — is one of the three most popular things I’ve written as the Fat Cyclist. More popular still, however, is The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler, a response to this critique (which includes my critique of his response to my critique — did I get that right?).
- An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong, Who is Newly Unemployed: When Lance Armstrong lost his job after winning the Tour de France seven times straight, I figured he must be feeling kind of down. I help him out with some friendly career advice.
- An Open Letter to Triathletes: I admire triathletes. I admire their tenacity and determination. I admire their intensity. I admire their endurance. It’s a darn shame they waste all those admirable qualities on the most ridiculous activity (notice I did not say “sport”) that has ever been created.
- An Open Letter to Cannondale: Cannondale goes for a “tough guy” image with their bike ads, but wind up looking like a bunch of roadies are trying to put on a production of West Side Story. Kindly, I explain the error of their ways.
- An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong: Suggested Changes to Your Screenplay: More friendly advice for my good buddy Lance.
- An Open Letter to the Passenger in the Green SUV Who Screamed as He Went By Yesterday: Hey, you know what’s funny? Trying to startle a cyclist into the guardrail. Hilarious! I vent a little with this open letter.
- An Open Letter to Dug, Who Evidently Does Not Realize He Is Slow and Middle-Aged, and Therefore Has Announced He Is Riding Next Year’s Leadville 100 on a Singlespeed: My good friend Dug has recently announced his foolish intention of riding the Leadville 100 on a singlespeed next year. As a concerned friend, I feel it is my duty to dissuade him.
Comment by alee | 01.28.2007 | 10:24 pm
I am just amazed that you haven’t been able to get Assos as a sponsor or advertiser. They must not believe in the old saying that there is no such thing as bad publicity, or maybe they don’t want their logo on a bunch of Fat Cyclist bodies.
There is an idea. Maybe you could try blackmail. Tell them unless they cough up some “samples” for you, you will start blogging about how great their clothes fit Fat- I mean Luxury – bodies.
Comment by Lonnie | 01.28.2007 | 11:42 pm
Congrats on your nod for a Bloggie…
Your GIF is hilarious…Can I borrow it???
Best from ChinA,
lON
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.29.2007 | 8:36 am
In all seriousness, why haven’t you spent more time trying to track down Dr. Lammler? I mean that guy was priceless. If you could get him to comment just once a month, next year instead of being up for a ‘best blog no one reads’ bloggie, you’d be up for the ‘best bog in the universe’ bloggie.
I have a question that I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone young enough to engage in the practice. WhaT iS uP wIth the kiDS thEsE days SPrinKlIng CaPs throughout their sentences?
Comment by dug | 01.29.2007 | 8:49 am
you’re looking for stuff to bring over to the new site? duh. bring over anything I wrote.
Comment by Mrs. Coach | 01.29.2007 | 9:31 am
I love the open letters, but the how-to’s are probably better.
I’m not exrememly young, but I dare-say I’m one of the youngest here. I think the SPrinKlIng CaPs is simply an inattention to detail. They don’t care that something looks right, and might even take some pride in the rebelious way in which they type. Is the SPrinKlIng CaPs in emails and such, or TXT messages? Because that would change my answer.
Comment by Saso | 01.29.2007 | 10:11 am
Lammler’s reply is a precious piece. In fact, it is luxurious.
BTW, was there no way for you to find out wherefrom he clicked to your website? ASSOS’ marketing dpt. perhaps?
Comment by Al Maviva | 01.29.2007 | 1:31 pm
An Assos sponsorship for Fattty?
Nobody who wears a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup jersey, and allows themselves to be photographed in it, will ever be permitted to have anything to do with Assos. That means you, Fatty, and all the guys who’ve bought that jersey from Nashbar. In fact, merely saying the words “Nashbar” is enough to preclude Assos sponsorship and make future ownership of anything Assos a dicey proposition.
Moreover, Assos is rumored to be seeking an injunction from the International Court to Prevent Crimes Against Humanity to prevent Fatty from ever buying, wearing, washing, mending, reviewing, commenting upon in an offhand manner, or looking at any Assos clothing, yes, even looking at it in catalogues, out of fear for how his association with their gear could besmirch their absolutely utterly trendy and slightly teh ghey branding. It’s really hard to develop and maintain a marketing image that is both absolutely utterly trendy and slightly teh ghey – just ask Anderson Cooper about that – and Assos can’t afford to have their snobby, I mean high end, reputation sullied by some guy who eats peanut butter out of the jar with his bare hands. (With his bear hands? I’ve heard both versions.)
Well, except for the chamois butter. He’s going to be allowed to use that, and to eat it on mashed potatotes as needed. (Future Assos ad featuring Fatty with a huge wooden spoon and a 5 gallon tub of mashed spuds – “I can’t believe it’s nut butter!”) Their reasoning, as Herr Professor Doktor Laemmler might put it, if his words could be hammered into semi-coherent order, is that “the butter of Assos chamoisses is suitable for even the biggest asses of comfort soothing, if properly spalmed.”
Ps. The Laemmler correspondence is by far the best thing evah.
Comment by MonsieurM | 01.29.2007 | 3:05 pm
The Open Letter to Champion: Official Supermarket of the Tour de France was a great one, especially the part about the dwarf zombie… You should keep it as well.
Comment by O. Dear | 01.29.2007 | 8:55 pm
Love the letters and thanks for the shot-out. I’m afraid you might have me beat if you’re giving away swag…All I can offer is being a MySpace friend :(
Comment by LMouse | 01.30.2007 | 12:17 pm
My favorite post is actually 3 posts by Fatty, Dug, and Bob describing the same race, the Leadville 100, a couple of years ago. I read it a couple of times and shared it with friends. It’s not the funniest piece, but it is the best in my opinion.
Pingback by dirtpedaler » Blog Archive » Blogs to Read: Fat Cyclist | 02.1.2007 | 7:10 am
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