So, If the B7 Ended Today, How Many People Would Fatty Owe a Jersey?

03.30.2007 | 1:39 pm

A Note from Fatty: Today’s post — which comes to you on the last day of this quarter, after which I expect to be able to breathe a little more freely for at least a little while — is written by frequent commenter and B7 competitor MSK, who has done a fabulous job crunching the numbers and figuring out who’s who in the B7. Read on below to get a good idea of MSK’s analysis of who’s likely to do well in the competition, as well as MSK’s psychic interpretations of what these competitors are like.

The Magnificent Seven
What I have attempted to do is give these 7 leaders a face, a personality based on what I know of them beyond the veil of anonymity that the web gives.

For instance, I imagine Al Maviva as a cross between a gorilla and Arnold Schwarzenegger (circa 1973), maybe with a little paunch, perched on a ridiculously small track bike in a velodrome with a cigar in his mouth and a single malt (maybe ice, certainly no water) in his malevolent fist.

The Leader: C
The current leader, the man to beat, is the simply named “C.” What does it stand for? Charlie, perhaps Charles or Chuck? Anyway, he is a 5’6” 30 yr old male from the Fan Francisco area.

Not much to go on other than he is kicking our butts.

I imagine Calvin like a whippet / greyhound (the dog, not the bus) except for instead of nipping at our heels, he’s streaking ahead of us, back arched, legs pumping.

Fatty has nobody but himself to blame on this one. He accepted a relatively low weight loss goal and may be (literally) paying the price.

But at a BMI of 22 currently, Cletus may not be able to lose much more weight – so really it’s all down to his uphill TT.

Caedmon has a nice stable of bikes: a Trek 5000, Cervelo One, Klein Pulse, and a Specialized Allez. Did you see the old Cervelo in there? We may have a closet triathlete on our hands – for shame.

Weight Loss Score: 92
Time Trial Score: 4
Starting Weight: 150
Weight Loss Goal: 15
Current Weight: 136.2
First Time Trial: 17:40
Current Time Trial: 16:53

45-year-old male. Tigermouth has already dropped to a low BMI — around the 22 range — from big changes in his diet and is now slap dab in the middle of a healthy range.

Tiger (his friends call him Tiger, or at least I bet they do) has a bit of a niggling calf injury that may affect the TT. He doesn’t look too fat in the photos (looked like he was pushing out the gut a bit) and unfortunately has a bit of a farmers / cyclist tan with the quads to match. So when he is healthy watch out for the TT.

Tigermouth scares me a bit – I imagine him having the whole tiger face and a head band with one of those rising suns on it, he has the whole martial arts, zen thing going on – but then he does like the red socks and the patriots so can’t be too bright and thus not much of a threat.

Weight Loss Score: 91
Time Trial Score: -2
Starting Weight: 178
Weight Loss Goal: 23
Current Weight: 157
First Time Trial: 11:40
Current Time Trial: 11:57

In my humble opinion, these two may have come out of their respective blocks too fast and will be interesting to see if they can keep the weight off and improve the TTs.

An indeterminately aged male from far northern California, his avatar is the tricycle-riding chimp in a red suit and I just can’t get that out of my head for him.

Monkeyweb made a great wager with the lobster – mmmm lobster.

With a current BMI of 29.7, Monkeyweb certainly has the potential to keep losing the weight and get 110 pts there. Also anyone who can barf at the top of their TT is a serious contender.

Monkeyweb is also into the grapefruit in a big way, and that stuff is like magic — never underestimate the power of the grapefruit.

Definitely one to watch – smart money’s on the monkey.

Weight Loss Score: 74
Time Trial Score: 14
Starting Weight: 213.2
Weight Loss Goal: 28.2
Current Weight: 192.2
First Time Trial: 15:58
Current Time Trial: 13:43

The man who needs no introduction.

Handsome, debonair, generous to a fault, altruistic, loved by women, respected by men with a rare comedic talent that surpasses all others (I could go on but his writing gets a bit difficult to read towards the end of the list).

So the bare bones: forty something [40.75, for what it's worth - Fatty] male, height indeterminate [5'8" - Fatty], somewhere in Utah. At his current weight (161) his ideal height is approx 5”11 [Thanks a lot -Fatty]. If he drops to 5”1” he is bordering on obese and if he climbs to 6’6”is at risk of becoming dangerously skinny [I'll be sure to watch my height. Thanks. -Fatty]

Fatty’s seemingly brutal (again uphill) tt is what will really win him this challenge. The coaching and the cold hard cash at stake will keep his motivation up, too.

Having seen photos of Fatty it’s difficult to imagine him as anything else other than Fatty. The image I have in my head of him is from random reviewer when he reviewed his hair – well worth the read.

The sardonic arch of the eyebrow, the sarcastic, smug, smirk – it’s a wonder he doesn’t get beaten up more often. [More often than what, exactly? -Fatty]

Weight Loss Score: 59
Time Trial Score: 16
Starting Weight: 179.8
Weight Loss Goal: 31.8
Current Weight: 161
First Time Trial: 19:15
Current Time Trial: 16:14

Lisa b
Finally some xx representation. Seattleite, age and height indeterminate. I imagine Lisa is one of those always up, energetic outdoorsy people, longish curly maybe red hair (like a wee springer spaniel jumping playfully about my feet). Even to think of her energy makes me feel dull and lethargic

Coming off a big weight loss in 2006, Lisab leapt into the contenders with a 15lb loss in February. Her hubby rides, but coming off an injury – once he is back in the saddle watch for Lisa’s TT to drop considerably.

Weight Loss Score: 60
Time Trial Score: 10
Starting Weight: 162.6
Weight Loss Goal: 17.6
Current Weight: 152
First Time Trial: 10:16
Current Time Trial: 9:15

What can be said of this man that hasn’t already been said? – well plenty actually. Late 30s male, tall bordering on “really just too tall”, from the frozen wastes of Canada (thus an international representation). His intellect and strength of character are only matched by his humility and striking good looks.

I see myself like “Jack Reacher.” In case you are not familiar with this literary icon let me educate. “Reacher is a giant of a man, standing 6′5″ (1.96m) tall and weighing between 220-250 pounds.” “His lazy lopsided grin. His tousled hair. His arms, so long they gave him a greyhound’s grace even though he was built like the side of a house. His eyes, cold icy blue like the Arctic. His hands, giant battered mitts that bunched into fists the size of footballs.”

Others, however, fail to see the resemblance.

TT is a big disappointment for me currently, but once the spring hits and my seasonal affective depression clears up I will be a serious contender – mark my words (are you all shaking with fear out there?).

Weight Loss Score: 69
Time Trial Score: -1
Starting Weight: 237.4
Weight Loss Goal: 27.400000000000002
Current Weight: 218.4
First Time Trial: 11:07
Current Time Trial: 11:11

Fat Frank
Fat Frank is 58 yo male from Texas. He had not been on a bike in 5 yrs and is burning it up on the TT. 40% improvement. Wow.

I see Fat Frank standing by the barbeque or perhaps a smoker, short cropped salt and pepper hair, tongs swallowed up in his meaty grasp, beads of perspiration on his furrowed brow – maybe an old tattoo from the navy on his hairy forearms.

Frank is a man’s man, you would never be without a cold beer at Frank’s place - I wish I was there now, on the deck, warm sun on my face, aromas drifting over from the bbq, gnawing on a succulent rib .

If we ever get big Frank off the meat and eating some fruit and vegetables we all may as well pack up our bags as he will wipe the board with us.

Weight Loss Score: 25
Time Trial Score: 40
Starting Weight: 290
Weight Loss Goal: 60
Current Weight: 275
First Time Trial: 21:15
Current Time Trial: 12:40

Final Counsel
I have a feeling this battle will be won or lost on the TTs– you heard it here first (unless someone already said that).

PS: Today’s weight (161.4).

PPS: B7 competitors: It’s time for you to do your April weigh in and TT. Try to get it done by next weekend.


  1. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.30.2007 | 2:26 pm

    Let it be noted that Fatty has the best TT score (I’m not couting Fat Frank as he appears to be an anomaly). This is doubtless due to his amazing coach. Who also happens to be devilishly attractive (the coach, not Fatty. Sorry Fatty)

    Msk- I have SAD too! You can’t stop me in the summer time, or really any weather above 60F. But once it drops below that I’m as grumpy as a fat cyclist who just had his m&m’s taken away… and then got kicked in the crotch.

    I get pretty grumpy.

  2. Comment by barry1021 | 03.30.2007 | 3:19 pm

    So do they award the super bowl trophy at halftime?
    Do people leave in the middle of a concert?
    Is a full workday 9 to 1:30?
    Is a century 50 miles? A marathon 13 miles 192.5 yards? A baseball game 4.5 innings?
    Is well begun completely done?

    Didn’t think so.
    Fat lady ain’t dun sung yet.


  3. Comment by M | 03.30.2007 | 3:19 pm

    C is my husband. Isn’t he awesome! He is at goal weight and it is truly goal, he doesn’t have anywhere to go from here. He weighs less than me for crying out loud!

    He has never done a triathalon. I think he was having an early mid life crisis while we were expecting a baby last year, so he bought two new bikes.

  4. Comment by barry1021 | 03.30.2007 | 3:28 pm

    No offense M, but if C has a real mid life crisis, you probably ain’t getting off as easy as a bike…..I’m just sayin’……


  5. Comment by Lisa B | 03.30.2007 | 3:28 pm

    Springer spaniel???? I’m somewhere between horrified and horribly insulted … tho gloating that I’m in the M7.

    Springer spaniel. Good gawd.

  6. Comment by DOM | 03.30.2007 | 4:04 pm

    Hold the phone, M! Mid-life crisis=2 new bikes???!! I only want one. I don’t need it, I can’t justify it, but doesn’t everyone want one more bike? The baby thing might be a bit much, but I’m only looking for half of that total. Help me out here; How can I make buying a time trial bike sound reasonable? I’m not looking for an 18 year commitment or shelling out any where near the same amount of cash to make it equitable. If I mope around the house like a cranky old man and make everyone miserable, I’m told to go do something for myself for the afternoon. What behaviors would you suggest to appear to be having an adequeate midlife crisis?

    Please hurry. Our oldest starts college in the fall and if I don’t spend the money soon, it will end up being wasted on his education.

  7. Comment by DHallaway | 03.30.2007 | 4:04 pm

    I’m still drafting behind the leaders, but the weight is coming off on schedule and hopefully some warm weather will help my TT speeds. (Riding with tights and jacket have to slow a guy down a bit!) Right now I’m wishing I’d picked a TT course with a nice hill top finish…

    MY SCORE: 67
    Weight Loss Score: 53
    Time Trial Score: 14

    Starting Weight: 229
    Weight Loss Goal: 30
    Current Weight: 213 (March 30th)
    First Time Trial: 9:42
    Current Time Trial: 8:22 (March 10th TT)

  8. Comment by msk | 03.30.2007 | 4:08 pm

    mrs. coach
    my prescription for SAD – dark chocolate (take as required)

    do you really want C to weigh less than you?
    i suggest you try feeding him up a bit
    perhaps fatty’s mashed potatoes or best cake in the world
    this is just a friendly suggestion and in no way meant to sabotage C’s chances

    maybe slow and steady wins the race
    but unfortunately (and certainly for me) not for the tt

    lisa b – oops sorry for any offense
    but in my defense – maybe the comparison is not so bad – any bells ringing in the following descriptions?
    i’m sure you are constanly getting yourself wet and muddy

    Springers are even-tempered, gentle, friendly, and sociable
    Intelligent, skillful, willing and obedient.
    Playful, energetic and a quick learner.
    Merry, brave and sweet tail-waggers. Cheerful and courageous.
    Affectionate, good natured and sincere, this dog loves everyone.
    Springers do best when they are with people as much as possible.
    They can get into trouble if left alone too long.
    They love water and may constantly get themselves wet and muddy.

  9. Comment by clydesdale | 03.30.2007 | 5:51 pm

    Ooooooooh, no mention of the defending Champion??!! To be snubbed by a fellow Canuck??!! We haven’t even been able to ride outside yet. Wait until I get outside and put in some quality km’s.

    Hmmm, never count out a past winner. Laying in the frozen weeds my friend….

  10. Comment by C | 03.30.2007 | 5:57 pm

    It is true that I have purchase 2 bikes in the last 6 months (is that a lot?) I think that fellow FC readers will think it perfectly reasonable given all the details.

    I love to ride my bike but I am sadly a much better runner than cyclist and so this year I have decided to start competing in duathlons. Shortly after I had decided this I found a shop selling New Cervelo One’s for $500 – how could I not get one?

    The second purchase became necessary after I pulled our car into the garage with my Klein still on the roof rack – OOPS.

    As you can see my purchases have been quite reasonable – there are many more bikes that I have a need for that I do not currently own (i.e. 29er, FS mountain bike, dedicated commuter, CX…)

  11. Comment by Sprocketboy | 03.30.2007 | 6:37 pm

    I laugh in the face of adversity. If my last time trial had been as good as the one the month before I coulda been a contenda. But now the wind is dying down ( although there is no lack of hot air in Washington) and I think my weight loss is ready to resume its irresistible course. It is a long way until August and many an M&M that the Fat Cyclist has to resist until then. I will be riding Skyline Drive in the Blue Ridge Mountains tomorrow and then another short training ride on Sunday. We have not begun to fight…

  12. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 03.30.2007 | 7:13 pm

    Having seen photos of the real Al Maviva I have to say that the description is pretty accurate – maybe more gorilla than schwarzenegger – but still pretty close. Except the bit about the single malt; he’s definitely a guiness kinda guy.

    Fatty is 100% the man in the verbal picture, slightly undertall in his current guise but moving up fast. So fast he has actually grown up and partially through his hair (ref. again to blog entry re. same). And the stomach churning ability to pop a shoulder or eyebrow out of it’s socket on demand is truly scary.

    As far as who’s where is this dog show, it ain’t over ’til it’s over. All I have to do is set a world record to gain a score of 27 on the TT. That’s right, back in the old days when there was a clear delineation between amateur and professional cyclists juniors rode 3000m, amateurs 4000m and professionals 5000m. The world record as just a touch under 6 minutes. If I ride a 6 minute final TT I’ll clock in at 27 for the TT.

    So if anyone has any high calorie, highly yummy recipes they would like to share with fatty, now is the time to help me out.

  13. Comment by monkeywebb | 03.30.2007 | 9:49 pm

    It’s true that I’ve learned to love me some grapefruit, but I don’t know if I can sustain the all-grapefruit diet for another four months.

    For the record, I’m 32 and around 5′8″, which gives me a BMI somewhere near triple digits. I’m shaped all wrong, though, so even if I went on the supermodel diet (3 triscuits and 37 cigarettes a day) I’d still be too thick to be taken seriously by anyone with shaved legs.

    I think MSK has it right: Either I will master the Clear Creek climb and claim victory on the strength of my TT or Fatty will be eating lobster in mid-August. I myself put the odds at even right now. I’m riding wicked hills, but don’t know if that will be enough.

  14. Comment by spbarnes | 03.31.2007 | 5:45 am

    hey, srettig is at 79…and my numbers, pending the april TT, ar

    MY SCORE: 72
    Weight Loss Score: 55
    Time Trial Score: 17

    Starting Weight: 225.8
    Weight Loss Goal: 27.8
    Current Weight: 210.6 (3.30.2007)
    First Time Trial: 43:55
    Current Time Trial: 36:39 (3.07.2007)

    The moral of this post is that the leader’s jersey
    (a grapefruit colored jersey two sizes too large
    would be about right) is in transition still.

    The whippets who have negative TT scores, and
    even those with single-digit valus, are going to get
    passed in the next few months by the likes of me
    and Fat Frank. Well, if I can figure out how to get
    down to a weight not seen in a long time.

    My money is on Fat Frank. I mean, besides the
    money already in escrow to FC himself. And the
    beer money for the 519 mile race bet. The other

    Oh, and BMI is sooooo fifties. I mean, it’s all one-
    size-fits-all, right? Ingredients: chromosome count
    and height. Turn automatic machine on, and out
    comes the correct weight. Isn’t that a BMI?

  15. Comment by neil on wheels | 03.31.2007 | 6:10 am

    too bad you couldn’t include the guy who began b7 just after losing 35 lbs!

    BTW 194. 250 in September.

  16. Comment by DOM | 03.31.2007 | 6:42 am

    I’m not willing to crunch my Kestrel (which I absolutely love) to buy a replacement. My condolences on your loss. Do you think it would work if I smash one of the kid’s bikes? Maybe back over it in the driveway?

  17. Comment by spbarnes | 03.31.2007 | 11:03 am

    And then what, DOM? Buy the kid a cool new bike?

    Not the same…

  18. Comment by MTB W | 03.31.2007 | 12:01 pm

    msk, funny post! However, you should add a dark horse pick. You know, someone that is a bit slow from the start (and perhaps slow in other areas too)but will astound all in the final stretch – someone tall, dark, handsome who is blazing fast on a bike yet still is in touch with the common man via the extended belly/dunlaps disease. OK, that’s clearly not me (except for the dunlap issue) but I predict a dark horse will be the surprise winner! Besides, I always root for the underdog.

  19. Comment by Fat Frank | 03.31.2007 | 3:25 pm

    1. deviation from the normal or common order or form or rule
    2. a person who is unusual…….

    Someone is on to me.

    also in Grammer
    Grammar. irregularity.

    Now thats what I call a BMI as perhaps my sole suppoerter, Spbarnes, would say. BMI….isn’t that when your kids bust the bathroom door open before your time is up? B. M. Interuptus? BMI…….

    Perhaps I should post a pic or two…..listen up serious bike riders…..I am no threat to your time trial…..most of yall could out run me on a tricycle!
    Maybe a pic or two and a brief explanation why I am doing this. Stay tuned.

    This whole forum has been fun and it is one of the few blogs I read on a daily basis. Everyone keep in mind that weight loss and fitness is a personal goal we have each chosen for various reasons. Mine is to stay alive.

    BTW….nice web design…..I like the colors… touches my anomaly side:>)

  20. Comment by Lisa B | 03.31.2007 | 6:50 pm

    MSK: No. :-) Think basenji: “alert, very intelligent and independent. Easily bored. Not unlike a goat they will eat and chow on just about anything. Don’t, however, intend to raise rabbits or other small mammals that may rekindle their hunting instincts.”

    You got the red hair right, tho. :-)

  21. Pingback by Best Posts from around the Web » So, If the B7 Ended Today, How Many People Would Fatty Owe a Jersey? | 04.2.2007 | 10:05 am

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