Advice to Attendees of Fall Moab this Weekend

11.6.2008 | 2:05 pm

I won’t be going to Fall Moab this weekend. I need to stay home and take care of Susan. (Quick aside here: when I say "I need to stay home and take care of Susan," I mean that literally. As in, this is something I need, not something Susan needs. The truth is, I could probably find someone to stay with and watch after Susan, but I simply don’t want to. Right now it’s very difficult for me to go to work or the grocery store or anywhere else. Leaving Susan for a full day — never mind three days — just isn’t going to happen.)

The core team, being the kind of people the core team is (are?), actually bandied about some email suggesting they have Fall Moab locally or postponing it. I put the kibosh on those ideas, for very good reasons:

  1. There’s half a foot of snow on the ground in the valley. Probably more like a foot up in the mountains.
  2. If any of them were having difficulties at home, that wouldn’t stop me from having fun.
  3. I’m expecting them to send me stories, photos, and film of glorious carnage.

So, while I will not be attending Fall Moab, I do have some valuable advice for those who will, based on years of experience.

  • Be prepared for snoring. An odd thing has happened over the ten-or-more-year history of our annual Fall Moab trip: we’ve become middle-aged. Those of us who have always snored, now snore louder. Those of us who used to not snore, now do. So if you’re bothered by other people’s snoring, you might want to bring earplugs. Or Lunesta. Or — if Kenny’s snoring gets really, really bad (and it will) — a pellet gun.
  • How to properly prepare bratwurst. There’s no secret or trick to making great bratwurst, but everyone acts like it’s a religious revelation when they have a good one. So here’s how it’s done. Use Budweiser to boil the brats, with an onion chopped in and a half bottle of Worcestershire sauce poured in. Simmer for at least half an hour, and for much longer if you feel like it — up to an hour, if you feel like it. Then grill over charcoal or wood. Not gas. Serve with a good bun (Kenny’s homemade bread is the best) and Gulden’s Spicy Brown Mustard.
  • Dare Tom To Do Dumb Stuff. While the rest of us have figured out that we’re middle aged, Tom is convinced he just left school and could still play college-level rugby. So, tell him to try moves that are very dangerous, and then get out the cameras and roll tape. (Bonus tip: Issue the most outrageous challenges only when you have a good cell signal.)
  • Have Some Duct Tape Handy. I understand BotchedExperiment will be riding for the first time since he nearly cut off his leg. If you hear a flap-flap-flapping sound, that’s probably his quad becoming unattached from his leg. Duct tape should be sufficient for holding it in place, at least until you finish the ride.
  • Don’t freak Nick out . Nick will be joining you for his first Fall Moab ever. He comes from Australia and is therefore unprepared for exactly how bizarre a bunch of Utahoos can be when their wives and ecclesiastical authorities are not watching.
  • Ignore Kenny When He Says Something’s "Not That Far." The difference between Kenny’s perception of how far something is and how far something actually is, is very great indeed.
  • Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. And video.

Oh, and above all, spend lots of time talking about how much better the trip would be if only Fatty were along.


  1. Comment by J | 11.6.2008 | 2:14 pm

    do you do any night riding now that it is standard time. and is night riding included in the moab adventure? dark is cool until you find that unexpected cliff!


  2. Comment by BikeCopVT | 11.6.2008 | 2:57 pm

    Why oh why must I live on the east coast and have responsibilities that I can’t walk away from for what sounds like an incredible trip. Not that I was invited but it sounds awesome. Fatty, it seems Assos has found a way to infiltrate you blog with the ads. I’m almost getting as much of a laugh from the ads as I am you posts. Almost…

    Win Susan Win
    Fatty you already won!

  3. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 11.6.2008 | 3:16 pm

    Note to self: Stop by Whole Foods, pick up loaf of crusty sourdough bread.

    Write down Bratwurst recipe.

    Make brats soon.


  4. Comment by Boz | 11.6.2008 | 3:17 pm

    If I lived closer, I’d go in your place. I’ve got nothing planned for awhile. Then there would be a real fat cyclist there. And I can snore if need be.

    WIN SUSAN !!!

  5. Comment by Bill Martin | 11.6.2008 | 3:21 pm

    There is always (but not much) time to go eat brats (oooh, that sounded sooo good) in the desert. Spend time where you need to now. You are right where you are suppossed to be at this moment in time.

    Brats …. yum, damn you!

  6. Comment by Dave | 11.6.2008 | 3:25 pm

    I’m not a big fan of brats, but has anyone ever drank the concoction after the brats are finished boiling? Hmmm.

  7. Comment by Don | 11.6.2008 | 3:34 pm

    I need to figure out how Im going to get out to UT to ride…
    Oooh, and brats…

  8. Comment by Will | 11.6.2008 | 3:34 pm

    I’ve heard throwing an old sock stuffed with pennies is a good deterrent to snoring.

  9. Comment by monkeywebb | 11.6.2008 | 3:41 pm

    When you said Nick was going for the first time I thought you meant me. And I got really excited. For about 2.3 seconds. Then I realized there are other Nicks in the world (even on the other side as it turns out), and rather than “sawing logs” with the other aging snorers I will be splitting wood for most of the three days your gang will be in Moab. Eating brats and riding sounds like much more fun than readying the wood pile for winter.


  10. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 11.6.2008 | 3:42 pm

    The left-over brat juice always makes me sick. Not becuase it’s repulsive, but because I’ve just eaten 5 brats and I’m concentrating really hard on not puking.

  11. Comment by Nick | 11.6.2008 | 3:51 pm

    Fatty, you make an awesome wife. I know Susan cuts you slack when you want to do adventures, but I’m glad to see that you realized quality time with the wife is more important.

    Although, I’ve got $5 that says by day 2, she’ll say “I wish you would have gone!”

  12. Comment by rich | 11.6.2008 | 3:57 pm

    good choice Fatty.
    Funny, we have our weekly night ride tonight and I’m in charge of the after ride bbq…..I’m considering bringing brats….wonder what made me think of that?

  13. Comment by Clydesdale | 11.6.2008 | 4:02 pm

    Any chance Fall Moab 2009 will be 1st week of October? I will be going to Moab for my 1st time and it would be sweet to meet some of your “core group”. Most of my core group will be going also. How about a core group race?… or feast might be better :-)

  14. Comment by MikeonhisBike | 11.6.2008 | 4:02 pm

    Bratwurst…..Yummmmmmm. As for the duct tape, that’s number 1 on my 10 essentials list. Don’t leave home without it.


  15. Comment by fish | 11.6.2008 | 4:03 pm

    Nick and Bob – if you have time on your way back you should stop by for a bite to eat. I live in Utah County down near Elden. I’m just saying – it’d be good to see you if you’re close.

  16. Comment by Kathleen | 11.6.2008 | 4:26 pm

    Excellent tips…makes the outing sound like a whopping good time! I’m sure your homeboys will fully document their shenanagins so you can laugh at (I mean with) them.

  17. Comment by Woody | 11.6.2008 | 4:27 pm

    Sadly enough, I was supposed to be in Moab this weekend too. I took a quicker-than-expected trip down the attic stairs and hurt my ankle. So have some extra fun for me as well as Fatty!! We expect lots of pictures!

  18. Comment by Al Maviva | 11.6.2008 | 4:36 pm


  19. Comment by Rick S. | 11.6.2008 | 4:53 pm

    There will be a lot of middle-aged men wearing pink (and black- the new pink)in Moab this weekend.

  20. Comment by Rocky | 11.6.2008 | 4:57 pm

    I miss the Fall Moab. Those couple of years were some kind of fun. I miss even more that you (Fatty) cannot be there. Susan is a fortunate to have you there.

    We will see you in a couple of weeks.

  21. Comment by LittleChainring | 11.6.2008 | 5:33 pm

    Any chance Kenny will give up his bread recipe?

    Win Susan!

  22. Comment by ricky | 11.6.2008 | 5:55 pm

    we’ll miss you, elden. fallmoab will not be the same without you. your priorities are where they should be. enjoy the weekend and know that we’ll be talking about you ;).

    dave, sounds like a great challenge for tom. i’ll run it up after the brats are done soaking.

  23. Comment by HobbleCreek Possee | 11.6.2008 | 7:16 pm

    I heard old sock full of pennies in the brat mix works well also ! fall moab greeny this time thanks for the advice fatty . take care at home

  24. Comment by DD | 11.6.2008 | 7:32 pm

    I’ll be wearing my pink Fat Cyclist jersey this weekend at the Iceman Cometh race in Traverse City. I’ll be 30 degrees and sleet – woo hoo!! But I’ll be riding for Susan.

  25. Comment by Aaron | 11.6.2008 | 8:12 pm

    I was just in Moab a couple weeks ago, and had a fabtacular time! Too bad you are going to miss it. You are a good man Fatty.

  26. Comment by regina | 11.6.2008 | 8:41 pm

    oo… ooo.. I have two to add, I know I do not know anything about moab, but someday, someday…
    remember when feeling peckish, a glazed donut and grape gatorade will put you right back up on your feet again in an emergency. and also never…never…miss any opportunity to consume pie. long days of bike riding an pie… well they just go together is all. have fun out there, and take a lot of pics so fatty can string them together for us and put them to music. that is my favorite part of fall moab.
    p.s. yes it is ok to drink beer while consuming pie but only if you have been riding a bike all day, otherwise it is just odd.
    well done fatty.

  27. Comment by SeanB | 11.6.2008 | 10:01 pm

    Nice post Fatty! Too bad you can’t make the trip to Moab, but your priorities are in the right place. However, I must take issue with one point about the Brat Grilling. As one from the land where grilling brats is its own religion – Wisconsin -it is an absolute must that you use Miller beer for simmering the brats. I like using the High Life, myself. Personally, I leave out the Worcestershire sauce, but you nailed the rest of it.

  28. Comment by dug | 11.7.2008 | 1:53 am

    i’ve had my nose cavities widened in preparation for the weekend. not sure if that means i’ll snore more or less.

  29. Comment by Nix | 11.7.2008 | 2:45 am

    On another note: am getting quite frustrated. Want to order the ladies XL, but there is a bug on the site, so am only able to order S,M, or L, which won’t fit me. I wish I was an L though.

    You got your priorities right Fatty, I would do the same in your case. Time spent with Susan is very precious now.

  30. Comment by buckythedonkey | 11.7.2008 | 4:30 am

    I still had the image of feasting on a brat in a homemade bun in my head when I nipped over to see what “Dan the Bicyclist” did to his leg.

    I am no longer hungry.

  31. Comment by Nina in Ohio | 11.7.2008 | 8:00 am

    Fatty – it’s great to see that you still have your sense of humor – well, except the reference to Kenny’s sense of time and space – we know you were serious about that! Keep hangin’ in there and know that you have our admiration for the great husband that you are.

  32. Comment by Scootz255 | 11.7.2008 | 8:59 am

    As a Northeasterner waiting patiently for snow to fall to get the board out- (still picking up some miles in between rain and slush though) Sounds like a great trip- hope all have fun.. I had been waiting to get a jersey- your latest news about the donations made up my mind- good luck and my wife and i will proudly wear our jerseys on the east coast!!! WIN SUSAN WIN…

  33. Comment by Charisa | 11.7.2008 | 10:37 am

    I think we all have a friend like Tom!! Sounds fun!

  34. Comment by CoworkerAlex | 11.7.2008 | 11:21 am

    Re: snoring and middle-age. I have noticed that over the course of the past decade, when my friends and I do Gooseberry trips, we sleep farther and farther apart. We used to pack in tight in a couple of tents right close together. Now we all wander off in different directions into the pinon/juniper, spread out over a couple of acres, mainly because we don’t want to hear each snore, fart and/or get up in the night to pee…

  35. Comment by slowerthensnot | 11.7.2008 | 12:08 pm

    bummer! But totaly understand.

    I’ll be headed up to sandflats tonight….

  36. Comment by pete | 11.7.2008 | 2:42 pm



  37. Comment by VeloMom | 11.7.2008 | 9:29 pm

    My jersey just arrived! Looks and feels great–web pics don’t do it justice. Thx, Fatty!
    P.S. Just cooked up my first brats. Should’ve gotten a larger jersey.

  38. Comment by Bluenoser | 11.8.2008 | 7:06 am

    Please, please, pulleeaassee, don’t let my wife read the part about the pellet gun.


  39. Comment by Mocougfan | 11.8.2008 | 3:31 pm

    Hey Fish I had your Brat’s at the Triathalon last summer. Can I stop by when I’m in Utah for Brat’s as well? They were beyond good.

  40. Comment by bike buddy | 11.8.2008 | 4:20 pm

    I’m with LittleChainring, any chance Kenny will share the bread recipe. I make some great breads, but i haven’t found one that will work well with brats yet.

    Win Susan

  41. Comment by fuzzy | 11.10.2008 | 12:01 pm

    Fatty, Good choice to stay with Susan.

    As for the rest of you- Gits!” The lot of you. I wish I could get to somewhere like Moab (or thousands of other places in the States) to ride and eat brats (and other good stuff).

    Win Susan.

    Luv ‘n stuff.

    Fuzzy in the UK


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