I won’t be going to Fall Moab this weekend. I need to stay home and take care of Susan. (Quick aside here: when I say "I need to stay home and take care of Susan," I mean that literally. As in, this is something I need, not something Susan needs. The truth is, I could probably find someone to stay with and watch after Susan, but I simply don’t want to. Right now it’s very difficult for me to go to work or the grocery store or anywhere else. Leaving Susan for a full day — never mind three days — just isn’t going to happen.)
The core team, being the kind of people the core team is (are?), actually bandied about some email suggesting they have Fall Moab locally or postponing it. I put the kibosh on those ideas, for very good reasons:
- There’s half a foot of snow on the ground in the valley. Probably more like a foot up in the mountains.
- If any of them were having difficulties at home, that wouldn’t stop me from having fun.
- I’m expecting them to send me stories, photos, and film of glorious carnage.
- Be prepared for snoring. An odd thing has happened over the ten-or-more-year history of our annual Fall Moab trip: we’ve become middle-aged. Those of us who have always snored, now snore louder. Those of us who used to not snore, now do. So if you’re bothered by other people’s snoring, you might want to bring earplugs. Or Lunesta. Or — if Kenny’s snoring gets really, really bad (and it will) — a pellet gun.
- How to properly prepare bratwurst. There’s no secret or trick to making great bratwurst, but everyone acts like it’s a religious revelation when they have a good one. So here’s how it’s done. Use Budweiser to boil the brats, with an onion chopped in and a half bottle of Worcestershire sauce poured in. Simmer for at least half an hour, and for much longer if you feel like it — up to an hour, if you feel like it. Then grill over charcoal or wood. Not gas. Serve with a good bun (Kenny’s homemade bread is the best) and Gulden’s Spicy Brown Mustard.
- Dare Tom To Do Dumb Stuff. While the rest of us have figured out that we’re middle aged, Tom is convinced he just left school and could still play college-level rugby. So, tell him to try moves that are very dangerous, and then get out the cameras and roll tape. (Bonus tip: Issue the most outrageous challenges only when you have a good cell signal.)
- Have Some Duct Tape Handy. I understand BotchedExperiment will be riding for the first time since he nearly cut off his leg. If you hear a flap-flap-flapping sound, that’s probably his quad becoming unattached from his leg. Duct tape should be sufficient for holding it in place, at least until you finish the ride.
- Don’t freak Nick out . Nick will be joining you for his first Fall Moab ever. He comes from Australia and is therefore unprepared for exactly how bizarre a bunch of Utahoos can be when their wives and ecclesiastical authorities are not watching.
- Ignore Kenny When He Says Something’s "Not That Far." The difference between Kenny’s perception of how far something is and how far something actually is, is very great indeed.
- Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. And video.
Oh, and above all, spend lots of time talking about how much better the trip would be if only Fatty were along.