EXCLUSIVE: Armstrong Announces 90% Completion Toward Transformation Into Huge Nerd

10.7.2009 | 10:28 am

A Note from Fatty: I have Very Important News today, but first I want to call attention to the fact that my friends at Twin Six are having their Four Day October Sale. 2009 T-shirts are just $16. 2008 T-shirts are $6.00. 2009 jerseys are down to $45, and 2008 Jerseys are just $35. And that’s not all!

Twin Six is also launching nearly all of the T-shirts from their 2010 collection, and putting most of them up at just $20. The others they’re calling PROTO’s, which are just $12. These are 100% perfectly great and brand new fresh-off-the-printer t-shirts. The reason they’re marked down to $12 is because of small changes Twin Six is making to them — graphic placement, slight color revision, etc. Absolutely perfect otherwise.

The sale ends at midnight Central Standard Time on Friday, October 10/9. Take a few minutes to dig around.

ST. LOUIS (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Lance Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France champion, announced today that he is now 90% of the way to the completion point of becoming a huge nerd.

200910070938.jpg“Yesterday, when I tweeted my new partnership with Michelob Ultra, I crossed a major Huge Nerd milestone: 90%,” said the surprisingly geeky cycling great. “Only 10% more to go, and my transformation will be complete.”

“While some may not immediately grasp the nerdliness of this announcement,” continued Armstrong, “once you get a feel for exactly what the Michelob Ultra line consists of, you’ll totally see exactly how dweeby I can be.”

According to the Michelob Ultra site’s Product Info page, Michelob Ultra (which Michelob always all-caps, but this news release will not, because THAT’S VERY ANNOYING) in addition to a lager and amber, contains three dorky, fruity drinks. They are described on the product site as follows:

  • Michelob ULTRA Lime Cactus: A fruit-infused light pilsner with natural lime flavor and a floral essence derived from the cactus.
  • Michelob ULTRA Pomegranate Raspberry: A pilsner with a berry aroma, raspberry flavor, and a hint of pomegranate.
  • Michelob ULTRA Tuscan Orange Grapefruit: A pilsner with fresh juicy orange notes and a slight pink-grapefruit finish.

“Yes,” said Armstrong, “I really am acting as the product spokesman for beverages with ‘juicy orange notes, floral essences, and hints of pomegranate.”

Armstrong then executed a snorting laugh, hiked his pants up high above his waist — the cuffs now well above his ankles — and pulled out his Blackberry, at which poinnt he Tweeted, “Just did a snorty laugh and hiked my pants high above my waist.”

Trend Toward Nerditude

“With the Ultra announcement, I have increased my nerditude quotient by 30%,” said the increasingly geeky cycling legend. “My first big move in this direction was of course when I began Tweeting pretty much everything I do.

“That, however, only brought me to 15%. A mere taste of the nerdvana I hope to obtain. My next — and I think most inspired — move toward absolute geektasticness was to secure cycling sponsorship from RadioShack.”

RadioShack, it should be noted, has won the award for “Nerdiest Store in America” every year since 1921, and does a brisk business in DIY robot kits, radio-controlled cars, and strobe lights.

“The RadioShack sponsorship was huge,” continued Armstrong, “bringing me all the way up to 60% on the Alfred E Neuman Nerditude Appearance Scale (AENNAS).

“But,” said the well-known advocate for cancer research, his voice growing serious, “I knew I could be more nerdly still. And that’s why I’ve chosen to back some of the dopiest-sounding drinks I’ve ever heard of in my life.”

“And I’m not done yet,” said the racing icon, his eyes flashing. “Nor will I be, until I am 100% nerdly.”

What’s Next

At this point of the announcement, Armstrong revealed a poster showing the following image:


“As you can see, I am a visionary nerd,” said the visibly-proud Armstrong. “In addition to my recent partnerships with Michelob Ultra and RadioShack — by the way, I’m very pleased to announce the upcoming TRS-80 Model 2010, which will be released in concert with the 2010 Tour de France — I am leveraging my existing partnerships to help increase my goofiness.”

“Oakley, for example,” will soon be releasing the following new glasses:”


“We’re still working out the details,” said Armstrong, “but in addition to the high-quality optics for which Oakley is known, there will be Oakley-branded tape holding the frame together. We are tentatively calling the material this ultra-low-weight, high-strength material this tape is made of ‘Electrotapium.”

“I am also proud to announce that I am working with Nike to create a new line of off-the-bike wear, consisting entirely of wicking polyester pants, designed to wrinkle, ride up high around the crotch, and just barely graze the top of your shoe when you stand still, showing generous flashes of sock when you walk.”

“It is my contention that these two products, when released later this year, will easily boost my goober factor by the 10% I need,” asserted Armstrong.

“This,” concluded the father of four, “will enable me to embarrass my children as thoroughly as any other father in America.”

Nobody Armstrong has ever met was available for comment.


  1. Comment by Heidi | 10.7.2009 | 10:32 am

    Goober factor–hahahaha!

  2. Comment by pmk | 10.7.2009 | 10:33 am

    Nice work, FC.
    Made me do a snorty laugh. Did not hike up pants.

  3. Comment by dug | 10.7.2009 | 10:37 am

    you know what would make him less geeky? manpris.

  4. Comment by G | 10.7.2009 | 10:39 am

    When can we expect the announcement that you are the proud spokesman of Franzia box wine?

  5. Comment by Yokota Fritz | 10.7.2009 | 10:39 am


  6. Comment by Tom Fury | 10.7.2009 | 10:40 am

    I always hike up my pants. It’s a fashion statement.

  7. Comment by Jessica @ How Sweet It Is | 10.7.2009 | 10:50 am

    Hahah well….I do love that beer…

  8. Comment by Rick | 10.7.2009 | 10:57 am

    “Nobody Armstrong has ever met was available for comment.” Oh man… that was awesome.

  9. Comment by Lowrydr | 10.7.2009 | 10:58 am

    I just had to switch the tape on my glases to black electricians tape. Wouldn’t want to be accused of copying a great nerd cyclist. I am my own ner..um man.

    Funny stuff again Fatty. Glad I was done with my brown bag lunch to avoid spitting on my Radio Shack computer.

  10. Comment by Kara | 10.7.2009 | 11:03 am

    Embrace your inner nerd….you know you want to.

    Fight Like Susan!

  11. Comment by plum | 10.7.2009 | 11:06 am

    lol your Photoshopery is on point today Fatty – bravo. Attention to detail +10pts.

  12. Comment by Zed | 10.7.2009 | 11:06 am

    Classic. I’m just waiting for him to tweet about it now.

  13. Comment by Jonnie J | 10.7.2009 | 11:18 am

    Fatty good to see you got your mojo back….classic post. Cracked me up.

  14. Comment by Ben Von Handorf | 10.7.2009 | 11:19 am

    He won’t really be there until he rolls up a level 1 Paladin in D&D…

    And really, even then he would have to pass the entrance exam to gain access to the Inner Nerd Sanctum.

    Also, Fatty, I’m disappointed at your interchangeable use of Nerd, Geek and Dork. While many of us match all 3, they are demonstrably different!

  15. Comment by Garmon | 10.7.2009 | 11:24 am

    Fatty, you’d better hide. He’s gonna come kick your butt.

  16. Comment by Ashley | 10.7.2009 | 11:25 am

    This is hilarious! Thanks so much for giving me a good laugh!

  17. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.7.2009 | 11:36 am

    OK, the post about your daughters bike invention was fun, and as all things associated with your daughters, darling.

    This is make me laugh out loud and snort coffee on my keyboard funny (MMLOLASCOMK).

    I saw the announcement of Michelob Ultra (a truly dispicable beer wanna-be) sponsership yesterday and thought that some snide comment was in order.

    This news article is perfect. Love the photoshop job. Is that Gates?

  18. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.7.2009 | 11:45 am

    I am thinking Shimano-branded pocket protectors.

  19. Comment by bobbie | 10.7.2009 | 11:51 am

    Spot-on perfect post, Fatty!!

  20. Comment by mtnbkr | 10.7.2009 | 11:51 am


  21. Comment by justrun | 10.7.2009 | 12:03 pm

    Ha! Nice. And well done on the photoshop!

  22. Comment by buckythedonkey | 10.7.2009 | 12:08 pm

    I prefer the term geek, but I’m too busy inheriting the Earth to be too picky about it.

  23. Comment by jilrubia | 10.7.2009 | 12:08 pm

    Dude, you’re nuts.

  24. Comment by Lisa | 10.7.2009 | 12:13 pm

    Oh, my word.

  25. Comment by Mikeonhisbike | 10.7.2009 | 12:18 pm

    The nike swoosh on the 500% polyester pants is a classic.

  26. Comment by geraldatwork | 10.7.2009 | 12:20 pm

    One of your best and funniest posts so far. You give bikesnob a run with this one.

  27. Comment by Doug | 10.7.2009 | 12:31 pm

    FC is nothing sacred anymore? First Assos and now Lance. Yikes. Great article, thanks

  28. Comment by Pam | 10.7.2009 | 12:58 pm

    You crack me up! I absolutely love your writing style. Thanks!

  29. Comment by MattC | 10.7.2009 | 1:05 pm

    I was thinking manpris made of 100% polyester…(they are already the right height above the ankle). In a plaid pattern.
    And being something of a beer snob, I don’t consider Michelob (Ultra, nor any of their other ‘ahem..sneer sneer’….beers) to be actual beer, or even a close relative. Same w/ Bud, Miller, etc…to call them ‘beer’ is like Dodge calling the new Charger a ‘Charger’. It’s embarrasing. (does anybody see ANY resemblence whatsoever to the muscle car Chargers of old in this latest car of that label? Now the new Challenger…THAT is a nice re-make! Same w/ the Mustangs!) OK..got kind’a off topic…Good that Lance is partnering with Michelob…cuz when I get off a long hard bike ride, 1st thing I think of is having some watered down weak (and lame) excuse for a carbonated beverage. Oh yeah…you know..cuz I would HATE to put any of the calories back on that I just burned off.

  30. Comment by M2 | 10.7.2009 | 1:19 pm

    LOL! Loved the Alfred E. Neuman reference! Another gem!

  31. Comment by Dave | 10.7.2009 | 1:38 pm

    You know, I wondered about the Radio Shack thing, now it all makes sense.

    Given Lance’s long professed love of Shiner Bock, should we expect a hostile takeover by Anheuser Busch? I am little disappointed by Lance’s willingness to whore himself out to Anheuser, especially to Michelob Ultra, which sucks. Their support for LAF better be HUGE!

  32. Comment by Joel P. | 10.7.2009 | 1:39 pm

    Verrrrry funny!!! I can’t stop looking at the poster and laughing. I may have to make it my desktop wallpaper for a while. Have you contacted Mr. Armstrong about endorsing your daughter’s winter bike concept?
    Joel P.

  33. Comment by Philly Jen | 10.7.2009 | 2:09 pm

    What’s with all the nerd love today?

    BSNYC writes, “…a Hipster is just a nerd who does drugs.”

    Which means that no matter how far Lance may push up his AENNAS, he will never be a hipster. As the French say, tant pis.

  34. Comment by Saso | 10.7.2009 | 2:20 pm

    Is Lance hacking Contador’s fansite in that photo?

  35. Comment by Jouni Ranta | 10.7.2009 | 2:21 pm

    “AENNAS”…classic. Unless I’m reading WAY too much into that…

    No, I spent a fair amount of time on that acronym. Thanks for noticing! – FC

  36. Comment by mateo | 10.7.2009 | 3:09 pm

    Welcome back FCFNS, its been too long since we’ve had an update from the esteemed news source that is Fatty-inspired. So Lance, who once only sported the bestest of everything, takes $$ from second (or maybe third) tier brands: RadioShack and Michelob…will his new team ride Scattante bikes too if Performance ponies up the cash?

  37. Comment by Dan O | 10.7.2009 | 3:15 pm

    Homerun with that one!

    life is good

  38. Comment by Haven (used to be Kt) | 10.7.2009 | 5:02 pm

    Great photo, Fats. Now I’ll have that image haunting me for at least the rest of the day.

    Mateo: AWESOME suggestion!

  39. Comment by Jeff L. | 10.7.2009 | 6:03 pm

    Can you talk to your friends at Twin Six about getting their new shirts in XXL? At 6′3″, XL’s are too short for me (unless I want to show my oh-so-attractive midriff). I currently have about 8 of their XXL t-shirts (and several jerseys and bibs) and I love some of the new t-shirts, but I can’t wear an XL. The same goes for their monthly shirts which are never offered in XXL. Thanks!

  40. Comment by bikemike | 10.7.2009 | 6:43 pm

    you made fun of “The Boss”…”The Boss” is not going to like this. people wake up missing from this kinda thing all the time.

  41. Comment by Paula Kirsch | 10.7.2009 | 7:16 pm

    OK Fatty, you got me, THIS one was FUNNY!!!

  42. Comment by Fat Cathy | 10.7.2009 | 7:42 pm

    eeeuwww! You weren’t kidding about those beer flavors. Ick. What were they thinking?

    BTW, nice job. Best fake news post ever.

  43. Comment by Debamundo | 10.7.2009 | 7:44 pm

    Great post. Needed a laugh tonight, even a snorty one. Thanks.

  44. Comment by GJBiker | 10.7.2009 | 8:22 pm

    Fatty, don’t underestimate Lance. He is aligning himself with the fruity drinks so he can bring back the Coors Classic to Colorado. But the fruit drink is a Bud product so … I’m not sure what his strategy is but my money is on Lance.

  45. Comment by ricky | 10.7.2009 | 8:42 pm

    rock solid!

  46. Comment by Liberty on Bikes!/bob | 10.7.2009 | 9:31 pm

    now I need to retire the NERD, and probably the DORK shirt. Don’t want people to think it’s some Dollar Store knock off of the NERD-STRONG shirt that’s about to drop.

    Twin6? what’s up with selling out of the t shirt of the month in ohhhh, six hours? awesome shirt…. that i won’t be able to own, at least you tried to make up for it with $6 t’s! i still love you.

  47. Comment by AngieG | 10.7.2009 | 10:26 pm

    Absolute classic post FC!! I think Team Fatty should sport Nike pocket protectors at Livestrong Austin. :-)

  48. Comment by Mark Kynaston | 10.8.2009 | 1:59 am

    Just what I needed to start my day – bloody funny and I feel all the better for reading it!

  49. Comment by Uncle Bob | 10.8.2009 | 3:11 am

    Fruity beer? That is pretty… well, fruity! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  50. Comment by hostels barcelona | 10.8.2009 | 3:35 am

    that was awesome!! jajajajaja

  51. Comment by Lowrydr | 10.8.2009 | 6:17 am

    Is this going to be Lance’s new Jersey? http://www.primalwear.com/p-316-leisure-ride-cycling-jersey.aspx

  52. Comment by john | 10.8.2009 | 6:31 am

    He’s such a taint! Loving the work Fatty Fat Fat.

  53. Comment by brokeMBA | 10.8.2009 | 8:06 am

    Ok, Just snarfed coffee on my keyboard…again.

    Reading your blog is costing me somewhat valuable hardware, and is putting me in embarrassing situations. Someone just poked their head in asking if I was ok. I can imagine what it sounded like to people outside the room.

    Sip/slurp (of coffee) SNORT-COUGH-BLAAHAHAHAHA! Awww CRAP! Not the keyboard again!

    I’ll just swap keyboards from the guy in the next cube…he isn’t here to protect his stuff..LOL!

  54. Comment by FatPedro | 10.8.2009 | 8:25 am

    “Nerdvana” and “goober factor” – this is GOLD, baby!

  55. Comment by Road Divit | 10.8.2009 | 8:26 am

    Great stuff – But Lance made one mistake. He was estimating that his Nerdness Factor started at 0%. The fact that he is so mastered the science portion of his training, his starting nerd factor was an estimated 20%. Estimating 50% science nerd and 70% jockularity, giving an Icon status of 120%. We all know that 7 TdF’s were earned at 100% leaving the 20% left over. So by my standards he’s at 140% now.
    20% start, 90% fruity beer and 30% nerd view.
    Nerd view is how our kids see us.

  56. Comment by Jim G | 10.8.2009 | 9:15 am

    As a ‘health minded active drinker’ I’m always searching for new breakfast beers.

  57. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.8.2009 | 10:09 am

    “This,” concluded the father of four, “will enable me to embarrass my children as thoroughly as any other father in America.”

    I missed this yesterday. So, so true and admirable. I find I do not have to try nearly as hard as LA does to embarass my children. Glad he is catching up.

    Anyone excited for Austin?

  58. Comment by Lorri | 10.8.2009 | 10:12 am

    Too, too funny. I’m snorting laughter in public, thank you very much.

  59. Comment by Mike | 10.8.2009 | 10:54 am

    This is great! I like the detail in the picture!!!

  60. Comment by kellene | 10.9.2009 | 12:00 am

    You two — Lance and Fatty — now have more in common than just a love of cycling and a fight against cancer! :-) Funny, huh?

  61. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 10.10.2009 | 2:22 am

    I honestly thought that his first step towards nerdiness was the his black calf high socks.

  62. Comment by Erine | 10.11.2009 | 10:59 am

    Man, how did I miss this last week??? I suck. This is a classic, Fatty- definitely one of your best posts ever! Would love to see a reply/comment/retort from LA himself!

    Best wishes, as always, from Coastal NC!

  63. Pingback by EXCLUSIVE: Armstrong Announces 90% Completion Toward Transformation Into Huge Nerd | Outside All Day || We Have To Be Outside | 10.11.2009 | 11:24 am

    [...] new Shack cycling team it is going to be a fun year… Read the following from the guys at fat cyclist: ST. LOUIS (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Lance Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France [...]

  64. Comment by Kevin | 10.11.2009 | 6:17 pm

    My wife’s comment after I read the types of beverages that Lance would be sponsoring would not cause you to worry about his nerdiness but whether he was gay.


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