Five Good Things

02.11.2010 | 8:39 am

As I become more and more important, I find that this blog is no longer merely a blog. It is a business. With hundreds of employees. With every word I write, I am generating cold hard cash and a working wage for all the people who depend on me.

In other words, I consider this blog a business, and I like to think that anyone who reads this blog depends on it for whatever kind of thing I write that day. And since you depend on me to write something, I feel it is not a stretch to claim all of you as dependents on my taxes. Which means I am going to get a huge refund this year.

As the proprietor of this business, I sometimes have items of business to conduct. As a lazy business proprietor, I like to let these items accumulate until it’s almost too late to do anything about them, then spring them on you all at once.

Today is such a day.

However, I am happy to announce that all five items of business I need to conduct have something in common: they are all good things.

Let’s begin.

Item The First: There will be a 2010 100 Miles of Nowhere

Many people have emailed me recently, wondering if there would be a third annual 100 Miles of Nowhere, since last year’s was a huge hit.

The answer, to my great joy, is “yes.”

I’m working on the date, but am planning on it being in April. Here’s the thing, though: I need sponsors. Companies that are willing to do something a little unusual for some good publicity, and are interested in the fight against cancer.

I don’t need money from these companies. I need stuff to give away — stuff that is exciting and compelling and will make people feel like they must join this race, if only to get that cool thing that you’re putting in their schwag bag.

If you work at / own / have a good friend at such a company, get in touch with me, OK?

Item The Second: I Am Apparently A Sponsor of Team CarboRocket

My good friend Brad Keyes invented an incredible sports drink: CarboRocket. And then he got together with some other great companies — Ibis and Ritchey Components — and launched a new bike team: Team CarboRocket.

And then Brad asked me to also be one of the sponsors. I was confused because, well, exactly what do I have to contribute to a bike team?

But then I learned about how Team CarboRocket is really, truly different from other bike teams and I got on board, fast. Because I want to be a part of this.

Here is the press release. You should read it. And maybe you should apply to be on the team.

Team CarboRocket is looking for a few good, ordinary folks who are on the verge of doing something extraordinary. You may not even know what that extraordinary thing is yet, but you can feel it burning inside of you. Hopefully, you already enjoy cycling, be it on the road or mountain.

Team membership is open to anyone who’s interested in doing something big. You may be a total novice or a seasoned veteran, we care not. What we do care about is that — whatever your extraordinary goal may be — there is an enormous gap between where you are now and achieving that goal. Maybe you are overweight. Maybe you have never ridden even a tenth the distance you’re hoping to ride. Maybe you’re missing a limb or two. Whatever hurdle you have to reaching your goal should make you dig very deep.

If this isn’t clear here’s an example: You are currently an expert level mountain biker with a resume stacked with impressive finishes and maybe even some sponsors and you want to finish the Leadville 100 mountain bike race because you’ve never done it. Sorry, not digging deep enough, no need to apply.

If, however, you’re a sport-level mountain biker and you’ve been thinking that the Great Divide Race is a little bit too short and you think it’s about time somebody rides from Canada to Mexico and then back, well yeah. We’d like to hear more.

What’s in it for you? You will be supported and sponsored by none other than Ibis Cycles in conjunction with Bingham Cyclery, CarboRocket sports drink, Ritchey components and the ever humble We can’t divulge exactly what awesome deals and swag you will be getting from each of these sponsors because we are still trying to figure out what Fatty is contributing. Maybe he’ll publish your stories. Maybe he’ll give you his super-secret recipe for quiche. It’s hard to say for sure. But we will say that you will like being sponsored by us. A lot.

What’s in it for us? We love a good story and we want to follow yours, from ordinary to extraordinary. We will be there when you fall down, first, to laugh at you and then give you a hand up, a dusting off and a gentle push onward. You will keep us apprised of your progress and ultimately your attempt at completing your extraordinary goal by updating your story at regular intervals on the team blog.

We want at least half the team to be women and total team members to be 10. We don’t want your entire story just yet, only 150 words or less. You need to tell us a compelling snippet of your story including who you are, what extraordinary thing it is you want to accomplish and why it will be so challenging. Email your 150 words to The sponsors will then pick 10 people with the most compelling stories to make up the Team.

And then we’ll come up with a cool secret handshake or something. We look forward to hearing your outrageously cool idea. Oh yeah, there is a one week deadline for consideration. You have until February 19, Midnight to submit your snippet.


Team CarboRocket

I tell you what: I’m one of the sponsors, and I’m still hoping I can make the team.

Item The Third: Free to a Good Home

Some of you may remember that there was a time when Susan couldn’t walk easily, but still wanted to get around. I got her this cool Revo electric scooter:


This retails for around $2500, if I remember correctly. Obviously I don’t need this anymore, but I’ve felt distinctly uncomfortable about selling it. I don’t know why.

Then last night it occurred to me: there’s bound to be someone out there who really needs this, and probably does not have the money to buy it.

I’d like that person to have it.

If you know who that person is, email me. You should know that I need to either give this to someone local or to someone who is willing to come get it. Because I just have no idea how — and don’t have the money (things are a little tight right now) — to ship this.

[Update: The scooter has been spoken for. ]

Item the Other Third: The Winner of the Michael Rasmussen Memorial Water Bottle

Eight or nine years ago I conducted a little mini-contest: come up with a good alternate use for water bottle lids. DSPBrian had the following idea reply:

The water bottle top is the ideal cookie cutter.

Perfect circles and if the dough gets stuck you can simply blow into the pre-purposed mouth piece.

It’s an idea that appeals to me because it is both elegant and completely ridiculous. Brian therefore wins the Michael Rasmussen Water Bottle:


Lucky, lucky Brian.

201002111233.jpgItem the Fifth: Love and Rejection…On a Plaque

A little while ago, I asked you to check out my sister Lori’s site — she needed six-word stories about love and rejection.

Fat Cyclist readers came through in spades.

And now Lori has posted photos of some of her plaques, illustrating your tales of love and sorrow. You should go check it out.

PS: Item The Sixth: I’m going swimming for my workout today. You know what’s sad? That nobody will be there to catch the hilarity on video.


  1. Comment by mick | 02.11.2010 | 1:48 pm

    hey Boss, how about showing up for work on time?

  2. Comment by NYCCarlos | 02.11.2010 | 1:50 pm

    who’s got two thumbs and is excited about 100 miles of nowhere? **points to self with both thumbs** this guy.

  3. Comment by Jeff | 02.11.2010 | 2:12 pm

    Hundreds of employees? Where do I apply?

  4. Comment by Black Pearl | 02.11.2010 | 2:12 pm

    I bet if the person who needs the scooter is deserving enough, and not close enough, there would be a bunch of us willing to share the shipping charges.

    So we could all get some Karma from your good deed.

  5. Comment by run-girl-run | 02.11.2010 | 2:18 pm

    Agree with Black Pearl!

  6. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.11.2010 | 2:21 pm

    Gads I’d LOVE to see that (video of you learning to swim!). I clearly recall watching one of my dogs learning to swim (I’m not comparing you to a dog btw…well, maybe just a little). There was a LOT of thrashing and splashing in the beginning…I was actually rather concerned and contemplated pulling her out. But her learning curve was pretty quick and amazingly enough, the dog paddle suits dogs just fine. Hope yours (learning curve) is too!

  7. Comment by Alyson | 02.11.2010 | 2:23 pm

    I think as far as the taxman goes, you would probably qualify as an “entertainer” rather than an “employer”. However, you may be able to claim The Runner, and Kenny(? bald dude in hot springs?), as expenses……….. and if you wrote about the proposal, you may even be able to write-off the engagement ring! (The Runner doesn’t read these comments, does she? I’m too young to die yet!:-))

    Long before I discovered your earth shattering blog, I read
    Jane has also written some extremely entertaining & informative books on being a triathlete. IF you are looking for motivation to get writing & some ideas of “how to” in the triathlete world, read her books. She is very funny!!!

    No, I do not know or work for Jayne…just a big fan.:-)

    Good luck IronFatty. Cannot wait to see you in a speedo, manbra and shaved!!!

  8. Comment by JAT in Seattle | 02.11.2010 | 2:28 pm

    I recommend you find a coach to help you learn to swim distance – because it’s considearbly different than frolicking.

    I had a friend who was an accomplished swimmer who came to the pool a couple times a week with me, gave me assignments (some of which were preposterous like kicking against the side fo the pool with my face in the water and practicing breathing from either side – and those excercises made all the difference).

    I’d say “Have Fun!” but it’s not going to be fun.

  9. Comment by Chris Horner | 02.11.2010 | 2:28 pm

    I’ll ride the 100 miles to nowhere this year, but even if I embellished (read: made up a big fat lie) the sorry state of my current physical condition, I still couldn’t make team carborocket with the story…LOL.

    Let us know about the entry fees and stuff…


  10. Comment by KanyonKris | 02.11.2010 | 2:41 pm

    What time and what pool? I can be there with a video camera.

  11. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.11.2010 | 2:47 pm

    Scott Hill…if you’re out there, the email addx you used when you registered w/ LIVESTRONG/Team Fatty-San Jose doesn’t work (I just sent my 2nd ‘team’ email out this morning and it once again got returned). When you get a moment, if you could pls check your profile info…(or not…maybe you don’t want team emails fm me…thats ok too). Just so ya’ know.

  12. Comment by Jason | 02.11.2010 | 2:55 pm

    I think we all want to know if the Fatcyclist got into Leadville or not!

    Yes, I did. And so did The Runner. – FC

  13. Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.11.2010 | 3:03 pm

    What are the healthcare benefits like???

    And are there donuts???

  14. Comment by graisseux | 02.11.2010 | 3:14 pm

    Certainly you know someone who could film your swimming lessons. Come on, dude, give the people what they want.

  15. Comment by Joel P. | 02.11.2010 | 3:15 pm

    I third the motion from Black Pearl. If some one is truly in need of the scooter I am shure Team Fatty can get it to them. I would be glad to pitch in.
    Joel P.
    P.S. I am NOT swimming today as part of my IANDAI training.

  16. Comment by George | 02.11.2010 | 3:15 pm

    100 miles of Nowhere!
    Now you are talking, I am so giddy I can’t wait to go nowhere.

  17. Comment by Paulscarlett | 02.11.2010 | 3:21 pm

    Hey The Runner, please do us all a favour… get out a video camera!!

  18. Comment by Accident Prone | 02.11.2010 | 3:24 pm

    Excellent news about the 100 miles to nowhere!
    I just hope Noodles is up to another video this time around.

  19. Comment by bikemike | 02.11.2010 | 3:31 pm

    i read this as the 100 miles of nothing…that sounds about right to me…yep, i think i can handle that.

  20. Comment by km | 02.11.2010 | 3:31 pm

    Be easy on the water when you’re thrashing it to death tomorrow….what did that poor pool water ever do to you?

  21. Comment by Hospice RN too | 02.11.2010 | 3:48 pm

    I know your scooter is “spoken for”, but if there are any other items you have that you might not want to sell, but would rather “give away” or “donate”, you should check your local hospice organization. The hospice I work for takes patients that don’t even have the money to pay us for our services (if they don’t have insurance) or medications. While we can “bill 3 times at end of need, but if we don’t hear back from you, we won’t take your house from you or send you to a collection agency, etc” (AKA WRITE OFF) and we have “restrictive funds” to help pay for some medications and our equiptment company will donate some medical equiptment, we are unable to afford things such as electric wheelchairs, electric recliners, etc. The social workers know who is in desperate need for these items and could hook you up with someone who would be every gracious to your donation in your area, but cannot afford these items, as well as have a volunteer from the hospice community pick it up and deliver it to their house or you could deliver it or a family member of theirs could pick it up–whichever worked best for you.

  22. Comment by Katie | 02.11.2010 | 4:00 pm

    Good for you for getting out there and swimming! I’ll be cheering you on in spirit as I swim today too. Keep us updated on how it goes.

  23. Comment by Lori | 02.11.2010 | 4:07 pm

    I am now a very wealthy plaque-maker employing hundreds as well.

    Thanks Fat Cyclist and Fat Readers! And hats off to the Sekret.

  24. Comment by SactoDave | 02.11.2010 | 4:34 pm

    Oh God! I can hardly wait to see Fat Cyclist water wings for sale in the Fatty merchandise section! Just think of the opportunity here; Fatty Speedos, swim caps, and nose clips!

  25. Comment by mongoose | 02.11.2010 | 5:02 pm

    Glad to see 100 miles of nowhere coming back. Really enjoyed last year’s.

  26. Comment by Darryl | 02.11.2010 | 6:42 pm

    Now that I’m following you and checking out your posts, I totally understand why you are the cycling blog king. I’m so impressed with you, your blog, and your mission. You might not get the chance to read this, but as a new cycling blogger just getting started, I look up to you as an inspiration. I’m aiming to entertain, inform, and make a difference. Even if I can get half way to where you are, I’ll consider it a success.
    Keep them coming Fatty. Loving your blog.

  27. Comment by Roger | 02.11.2010 | 7:48 pm

    My sugestion for the wheelchair is that you call the casemanagement office or social worker (depending on who has more time to speak with you) at your local medical center, and let them know that you have such a wheel chair. I’m sure the local casemanagers would be able to put it in the hands of someone who needs it in a relatively short period of time

  28. Comment by Dogwood | 02.11.2010 | 7:50 pm

    You need to wear the helmet cam throughout the Ironman. It would make for a great race video. I’m sure you could find a sponsor to provide a waterproof camera and hard drive to store all that video footage.

    For the swim, mount the camera on top of your snorkel.

    C’mon, you know you want to!

  29. Comment by Mellow Velo | 02.11.2010 | 8:04 pm

    I TOTALLY joined 100 miles of nowhere for the T-shirt. Of course, also for the cause, but the T-shirt cemented my decision.

    I think Oakley should throw in some black and orange or black and pink Jawbones for every participant.

    Can’t wait to do it again!

  30. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 02.11.2010 | 9:16 pm

    LOVE the idea of Team CarboRocket! Fun post Fatty filled with goodness!

  31. Comment by Zed | 02.11.2010 | 10:16 pm

    I think you inspired me, Fatty, because I went swimming YESTERDAY. First time in probably a year and a half. Today I am sore. Which goes without saying. But I said it anyway.

    Let me know how open-water swimming goes. That’s something I haven’t been brave enough to try yet.

  32. Comment by Bicycle Bill | 02.12.2010 | 3:58 am

    Why do you have a Honda *motorcycle* ad on a cycling blog?


  33. Comment by skippy | 02.12.2010 | 4:21 am may not be able to take this item but you just proved that there are many items that the “fatty team” collected over the years that they will be able to use!
    The 100mile to nowhere could be a collection point which would give you and your participants a purpose for being there and thus bring in some of the sponsors of “Soldiers Ride @wwpinc” who would give your effort for cancer an even higher profile.
    @help4heroes has a ride in may that could also serve as a “fattys team collection point”.
    “Skippy’s fan club” may enjoy checking in for more info as after all our leader’s mate Lance gave $250000 within days to Haiti some of which raised through this blog!
    Para 2010 in Vancouver starts march 10 and if you follow @USParalympicTeam you will see why all this collecting is for a worthwhile purpose.Mentioned @AdventureCorps before as they support “Challenged Athlete Foundation and still awaiting news of the success of their “80 for Haiti fundraiser”, some “fatty shirts seen there i was told!
    Going skitouring as had enough time in the sandpit today, see you atlas lovers later!

  34. Comment by Jenn | 02.12.2010 | 4:35 am

    The CarboRocket thing sounds fun. Though, Fatty, if I understand it correctly, they want you involved but they don’t know why? High praise, indeed. I think this makes you a Paris Hilton, of sorts, for the cycling world! THAT tickles my funny bone. Immensely.

  35. Comment by Jenn | 02.12.2010 | 4:36 am

    Sans trashiness, of course. That goes without saying. But I said it anyway. ;)

  36. Comment by Cardiac Kid | 02.12.2010 | 6:46 am

    As an employee of the Fat Cyclist I have the right to work in an environment free of harrasment right? That being said can someone please tell skippy this isn’t the forum to push his/her own agenda?

  37. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.12.2010 | 8:30 am

    Yeah….we are all employees of the Fat Cyclist…I like it!

    Uhemmmm….So when can we expect our W2’s kind sir? (provided you didn’t drown in your ‘frolic’ in the pool session)

    (And thanks for pointing it out Cardiac Kid! I like working here so much that I kind’a forgot we are all employees!)

  38. Comment by The Chort | 02.12.2010 | 10:25 am

    Yes…published on a plaque!

  39. Comment by pgreen | 02.12.2010 | 10:39 am

    100 Miles of Nowhere… That is just my speed.
    I am in!!!

  40. Comment by Dr. Lammler | 02.12.2010 | 10:50 am

    An open letter to Fatty employees:

    If we form a union we might persuade Fatty to double our salary.

  41. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.12.2010 | 10:57 am

    Dr. Lammler…count me in! I’m thinking TRIPLE our salry…aim high I always say!

  42. Comment by Tina Z | 02.12.2010 | 1:40 pm

    The CarboRocket team idea is AWESOME. Emailed my entry today.

  43. Comment by jacked | 02.12.2010 | 10:54 pm

    Team CarboRocket by Fatty…. Now to convince myself that I am up to what I want to propose….. My entry will be in soon!


  44. Comment by Ventura | 02.13.2010 | 9:40 pm

    “Maybe you’re missing a limb or two.”

    As usual – no respect for the people missing three limbs!

  45. Comment by TonyS | 02.14.2010 | 5:57 am

    What has two thumbs and just tossed his hat in the race for team CarboRocket?

    *Points both thumbs to himself*


    What? What do you mean someone already made that joke?

    Oh well.

    Status: Novice rider. Ridiculously Unrealistic Goals: 6 hour century this year, Trans-Am in 2012.

  46. Comment by Greg | 02.15.2010 | 7:07 am

    The Carborocket team sounds totally legit! Would love to somehow sign on with that. What could my realistic goal be? Maybe making a consistent living year in year out at biking and/or writing. That may take an epic-length sponsorship…

  47. Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 02.15.2010 | 2:26 pm

    I was just thinking about the 100 miles of nowhere today as I wrote my blog post. I was going to write about riding my trainer yesterday afternoon. But what the heck do you write about riding a trainer unless you went some rediculously long distance (like the 100 miles of nowhere) or the bike came off the trainer and you crashed? Since, I did neither, I wrote something else.

    But I’m excited to see the return of the race!

  48. Comment by Andy | 02.18.2010 | 12:34 am

    Like the blog, but “As I become more and more important…”!!!! Tell me you’re being ironic!

  49. Comment by Nooch | 02.23.2010 | 8:37 am

    So when can we expect more details on the hundred miles of nowhere?


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