I Am Making Significant Changes to My Training Regimen

02.8.2010 | 3:42 pm

I neglected to mention a very important thing in my post about “running” the Death Valley Trail Marathon yesterday. And that thing is that, as The Runner dragged me across the finish line, I thought to myself, “This was really easy and I bet I could have done this after swimming a couple miles and riding a century.”

And it’s fortunate I thought that.

You see, evidently I didn’t make it clear that I was totally joking when I said I could easily do an IronMan. Because Timex — one of the major sponsors of the Ironman — has contacted me and said, “OK, Fatty. You’re in the St. George Ironman. Let us know how it goes for you, OK?”

Which is awesome, for several reasons:

  1. Timex is going to give me some awesome schwag to give away and is going to help with my LiveStrong fundraising efforts. Huzzah for Timex!
  2. The threat of an Ironman gives me something to write about during the winter months, which is when this blog is generally pretty short on material, leaving me staring at the blank screen for hours at a time before I actually start typing something.
  3. I’ve been meaning to learn to swim for several years now, and this is excellent motivation to finally go out and do it.
  4. I’ll be able to check this off my Life List and finally be able to move “ride a recumbent” to the top.
  5. I’ll be able to demand that people begin addressing me as “IronFatty.”
  6. I’ve always loved triathlons.

But hold on. The race isn’t over. Not yet. In fact, I think it may be safe to say it hasn’t begun. Further, it may even be safe to say that I’ve got some work to do before I’m ready to do an Ironman.

Serious work. Serious work that must be conducted very, very seriously.

Here are a few of the things I am resolved to do, so that I will be able to execute this race with the seriously intense humility it requires.

  • Learn to Swim: I have, as of a couple days ago, become a member of a gym. This gym has a swimming pool. I believe that is sufficient, though I may — from time to time — even go swimming in that pool. Well, “swimming” may be the wrong word. I intend to frolic in the pool. Eventually, I plan to be able to frolic for two full miles.
  • Buy a Wetsuit: The secret to completing the swim portion of the Ironman is to have a good wetsuit. I am given to understand that these wetsuits make a huge difference in your swimming ability, floatability and technique in general. Let us just say that I am counting on this being true. And while i’m at it, i think i’ll also hope that my wetsuit will propel me forward, with no effort whatsoever on my part. That will be nice.
  • Investigate Legality of Snorkels: Are they really not allowed in an Ironman, or just generally not used? Cuz I love snorkeling. I think I’ll check into swim fins, too.
  • Buy a Bento Box: I will buy a Bento Box and put it on my bike. I will buy another and will use it when I am not on my bike. I will now eat all of my meals and snacks from a Bento Box.
  • Investigate “Win Over The Crowd” Techniques: Specifically, I need to find out if it would be considered extremely cool or uncool to throw out handsful of candy to spectators, as if it were a parade. I suspect that with a $25 investment in candy, I could easily become the single most popular guy on the course.
  • Get Proper Attire: I of course want to wear a Team Fatty jersey during the race, but am concerned that I won’t really fit in. So I think I’ll look into having a Fat Cyclist jersey custom-altered to be a half-jersey, perhaps both sleeveless and exposing my belly. This will really help me in the race, because I love to scratch my belly, and now I’ll have unfettered access.
  • Always Wear Proper Attire: I will have all my shirts altered to be half-shirts, so I can become very, very comfortable with the idea of showing off my stomach to the world.
  • Stop Socializing: I will stop talking to people or waving when I am riding. I will ride alone, and will delete my friends from my phone.
  • Have My Sense of Humor Reconfigured: I will stop thinking that triathlons are bizarre and hilarious. I will instead start thinking that whatever triathletes think is funny is actually funny. Provided triathletes think anything is funny.
  • Work on My Transitions: In order to fully assimilate the Ironman way of life, I will minimize my transition times between everything I do. Even this moment, I am wearing my pajamas under my street clothes. And under my pajamas is my swimsuit.
  • Do Bricks: An essential part of Ironman training is to do two events back to back. This is called, oddly, a “brick.” Because I intend to embrace this race wholeheartedly, I will do bricks in my everyday life, too. I will have a breakfast-lunch brick, where I will eat both meals consecutively. I will have a Dinner-bedtime brick, where I will go to bed right after eating dinner. Yes, this is all very intense, but I am willing to sacrifice for my “sport.”
  • I Will Forget How to Ride A Straight Line. And I’ll forget how to pedal circles, too. And buy clip-on bar ends and adopt a much less comfortable riding position, hoping that it buys me a few seconds of time, thanks to my much improved aerodynamic profile. And I will develop a more menacing game face.

Is there anything else I need to do to prepare for my first Ironman? No, I can’t think of anything else, either.


  1. Comment by Jason | 02.9.2010 | 1:17 pm

    Try to remind yourself as you swim.. for hours.. that its not really the most dreadfully awful thing to do.

  2. Comment by ALgoat | 02.9.2010 | 1:18 pm

    go get ‘em. snorkels are allowed, got a buddy with one on his old Land Cruiser.

  3. Comment by Alison | 02.9.2010 | 1:27 pm

    Other things you will have to get:

    - You NEED compression socks at the very least, if not a full compression outfit (I’m sure someone makes a compression onesie). While compression garments are useful to wear for recovery a dedicated triathlete wears them at all times.

    - An areo helmet, regardless of how fast you actually ride

    - A high tech “hydration system” that is aerodynamic, lightweight and impossible to use without swerving all over the road.

    - For the pool (required for every workout) – fins, paddles, lap counter/timer, waterproof MP3, ironman towel, $200.00 swim goggles

    I would suggest going to the Slowtwitch.com forum and asking if fins are okay for the swim at the race. I’m sure you will get lots of friendly, helpful feedback.

  4. Comment by Tonya | 02.9.2010 | 1:30 pm

    Everyone tells me that doing a marathon at the end of an Ironman is way easier than doing just a marathon. More proof that Ironman finishers are off their rockers!

  5. Comment by monkeywebb | 02.9.2010 | 1:31 pm

    Head to the LBS and get one of those funny water-bottle-behind-the-seat thingies. Come to think of it I don’t know if real bike shops carry those. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one at the shop I frequent. You might have to find a whole new tri-shop.

  6. Comment by Craig | 02.9.2010 | 1:33 pm

    Why would doing this give you “all winter” to train? Dude, it’s in MAY!!

    Wait, you’re not actually thinking of dedicating an entire YEAR just to train for something so easy are you?

    Swimming is fun. Just like how you remeber when you were a kid in your buddies pool. Nothing has changed, other than you will soon find out that you can now only maintain the freestyle stroke for about 25 yds before resorting to the granny paddle.

    You’re also going to need a really small speedo.

  7. Comment by bikemike | 02.9.2010 | 1:33 pm

    The sound you now here is the hornets arriving from their stirred up nest. good luck today, Elden.

  8. Comment by yaniel | 02.9.2010 | 1:34 pm

    considering that the most i’ve ran in a single effort is 2 miles, i don’t know how to swim (but i’m an avid surfer) and i’ve never ridden a bike more than 80 miles in a day, i consider the ironman to be the single great physical accomplishment a human can do.

  9. Comment by Anonymous | 02.9.2010 | 1:35 pm

    Don’t forget, that which is arodynamic, is hydrodynamic. You can swim with your tt helmet on! And a camel raceback!! As you can see(!!!) adding !’s makes things true!!!!(!).

  10. Comment by Craig | 02.9.2010 | 1:36 pm

    Wait. You can make your own team Speedo. That will be awesome. A speedo that will say “FATTY” on the front. I don’t even know if that legal in Utah.

  11. Comment by dave1949 | 02.9.2010 | 1:39 pm

    Serious work. Serious work that must be conducted very, very seriously.

    While reconfiguring your sense of humour always try to remember this thing was started as are so many unfortunate things by a few guys arguing over beer about what was the toughest thing to do.

    I believe they now get together in the same bar each year when Kona is on and laugh themselves silly to see how seriously, serious “try athletes” take their little bar bet.

  12. Comment by trytrytri | 02.9.2010 | 1:39 pm

    You mock. There is a difference between “joking” and “mocking”. But add this…

    It won’t matter how well you ride a straight line and it won’t matter all the pretty gear and “just right” clohing you have on because you will need to learn to ride by yourself for that century + 12…you don’t get to suck someone else’s wheel for 6 hours in an Ironman.

    Good luck to you in that mass swim start!

  13. Comment by Mae Anne | 02.9.2010 | 1:41 pm

    I believe, if you don’t already, you’ll need to invest in some serious shaving. Perhaps you can shave the Fatty logo in a random place and the spectator who discovers it while picking up his/her candy wins a prize? This will definitely aid in winning over the crowd.

  14. Comment by Heidi | 02.9.2010 | 1:50 pm

    Ooh, yeah – a Speedo to help accentuate those monster quads. And we want photos.

  15. Comment by Peter | 02.9.2010 | 1:52 pm

    Can’t wait to read about the first time you pee in your wetsuit. And on your bike. Good times.

  16. Comment by amy | 02.9.2010 | 1:54 pm

    You’ll want to begin considering what sorts of delicious foods you want to put in your special needs bags. Even a big bento box can’t carry a full picnic, so you need to put the mid-bike pizza, frappucino, chips and queso, etc in your special needs bag, so you can refuel halfway through. Same for the run. Mmm. Mid-marathon pizza.

  17. Comment by ocary | 02.9.2010 | 1:58 pm

    Banjo Brothers makes an awesome Bento-like box. Model #01062.

    Used on a couple very long rides last year and it held up great. Only negative was I had to modify one of the straps to fit around my MTB frame.

    Note: I’m not associated with them other than living in Minneapolis.

  18. Comment by Ainsley | 02.9.2010 | 2:00 pm

    You must learn to whine about the roughness of all but the smoothest of road surfaces and scream profanity at anything that slows you down or makes you stop…..including but not limited to: cars, children, road signs, stop lights, and little old ladys with bad hips crossing the street.

  19. Comment by Mikeonhisbike | 02.9.2010 | 2:01 pm

    I believe if you’re an ironman you’re not allowed to wear socks anymore. You should check into that.

  20. Comment by graisseux | 02.9.2010 | 2:02 pm

    From the comments section in your other triathlon post you linked to:

    “…I hope this doesn’t sound too creepy, but the idea of swimming in bodily fluids is a little more pleasant if you get to pick (or at least imagine) the body that they came from.”

    Good luck changing your perception about triathletes being bizarre. Gross.

  21. Comment by nedly | 02.9.2010 | 2:04 pm

    If your half the man I think you are, do the bike part on a recumbent. It will be easier to carry all that candy your going to need.

  22. Comment by trirobot | 02.9.2010 | 2:07 pm

    You need wheels with dimples for sure. Not only are dimples cute but they make you ride faster apparently.

  23. Comment by NYCCarlos | 02.9.2010 | 2:08 pm

    so who’s giving/selling/conjuring you your new TT/Tri bike? Personally, I like Quintana Roo just for their AWESOME name and funny tube shapes.

  24. Comment by Di | 02.9.2010 | 2:13 pm

    On the bright side, You have a reason to obtain yet another bike…

  25. Comment by kRIS | 02.9.2010 | 2:13 pm

    Ahh…welcome to the fun…& good luck! Looking forward to the Timex swag!

  26. Comment by OldClydesdale | 02.9.2010 | 2:20 pm

    trytrytri just proved your point. No sense of humor and take yourself way too seriously.

  27. Comment by Jeff | 02.9.2010 | 2:22 pm

    I’ve heard that triathletes often …ahem… whizz in their wetsuit. Will you also be regularly soiling yourself to get a general comfort level with that?

    Now you’ll need to find something else to do with those just-in-case water bottles you keep in your office.

  28. Comment by DrBryce | 02.9.2010 | 2:23 pm

    AMEN Craig, 1:36PM, Hilarious!!! Just Laugh Out Loud Hilarious! Thanks for the giggle of the day.

    I have a Softride in my garage with pink bartape I’d love to Sponsor/volunteer. It’s just hanging from the rafters, in a size medium. My wife just gave it up for her new Lemond last season, I’m sure she’d love to see it go to a, mmm, hhhmmmm, good cause.

    I can see it now, FATTY (in the speedo so aptly visualized above by Craig), sponsored by Softride and UtahChiro.com, in all it’s blazing pink glory! LOL! I love it.

    Did that crash in Leadville really knock you off your rocker? It’s not April Fools already, is it?

  29. Comment by Rantwick | 02.9.2010 | 2:23 pm

    I’ve been doing bikesnob/Fatty and Fatty/Bikesnob reading bricks for a couple of years now. Sometimes it is pretty gruelling. Thanks to you, I am now going to hunker down for less reading resistance and begin timing myself. A nice stopwatch would be much appreciated.

  30. Comment by Mike Russell | 02.9.2010 | 2:27 pm

    You are going to be funny out there on the course. I am excited to see you there. Where are you swimming by the way?

  31. Comment by skippy | 02.9.2010 | 2:30 pm

    perhaps the item chris is holding will add to your training equipment needs!http://twitpic.com/129t9j
    lots of luck!

  32. Comment by JB | 02.9.2010 | 2:36 pm

    Oh boy! The things grown men do to win the approval of their girlfriends, and free swag. Marathons, triathalons, swimming and peeing in wetsuits, bikes with funny bumps and handle bars….crazy talk!

  33. Comment by Heidi Swift - Grit and Glimmer | 02.9.2010 | 2:43 pm

    Fatty – this is awesome!!
    And the first comment? About swimming being the most dreadful awful? That’s spot on. Good luck with the black line at the bottom of the pool. By the end of the six months of rehab that had me locked in a swimming pool, I swam to the bottom and tried to rip it off, so much did I loathe it.
    Other than that, you’re going to kill it. For real.

  34. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 02.9.2010 | 2:53 pm

    1. The blood of a thousand Lance Armstrongs

    2. One of those long helmets

    3. tank top half shirt (aka manbra)

    4. Audi with Cervelo on roof/trunk rack

    5. Zipp Dimple disc w/ powermeter (3 one for race day, one for training, one backup)

    6. Pam

    7. White mesh hat

    8. the courage to shave a bit higher on the thigh

    to be continued

  35. Comment by FatPedro | 02.9.2010 | 2:54 pm

    Disappointed, disappointed, disappointed. Fat people aren’t allowed to do triathlons. Perhaps you haven’t yet jumped the shark, but I predict that you will be eaten by one as soon as you start the swim portion of this so-called “Ironman”.

    I would suggest you move your triathlete stories elsewhere, but you’ve been beaten to it by someone with impeccable taste in web design: http://www.fattriathlete.com

    Are you absolutely sure about this?!?!

    Dude, I have got a shark jump I’m working on that is so freaking weird my entire readership is going to convulse, delete their site bookmarks / RSS feeds, and move to Kentucky. – FC

  36. Comment by Chris Horner | 02.9.2010 | 3:02 pm

    I do believe the ironman to be one of those great physical accomplishments, but to actually try to do one? Don’t bother. None of us have time for 2 hours per day of training and 5-10 hours of a brick on Saturday mornings/day(perhaps even into the evening if you get lost…)

    I would rather crash my bike again this season…

    -Chris Horner

  37. Comment by Karen | 02.9.2010 | 3:10 pm

    You should go old school- do the entire race in a Speedo, but PLEASE NO BELLY SHIRT!!!!

  38. Comment by SkiMoab | 02.9.2010 | 3:21 pm

    One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to get a waterproof MP3 player (I love my Interval http://bit.ly/aIvm5d) and listen to audio books. Music is tough in a swim with changing tempos, but you can easily get lost in a good book and just keep the swim going.

  39. Comment by Miles Archer | 02.9.2010 | 3:34 pm

    say it ain’t so!

  40. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 02.9.2010 | 3:35 pm

    9. breathe right strips

    10. full time coach to go over your powercharts w/

    11. part time job

    12. 3 blue seventy helix wetsuits (full sleeve, ultra john and another full sleeve)

    13. tubular wheelset for race day

    14. Black magic marker

    15. Segway i2 personal transporter for between workouts (ie life)

  41. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 02.9.2010 | 3:37 pm

    16. Hyperbaric Chamber

  42. Comment by jwm | 02.9.2010 | 3:45 pm

    I don’t know, but that isn’t nearly enough swim equipment. you’ll need the big face mask, pull buoy, fins, split fins, gloves, tennis balls, etc.

    your garb doesn’t really say “triathlete” until the lifeguard tells you the scuba class is next week at the pool.

    Good luck!


  43. Comment by John | 02.9.2010 | 3:48 pm

    Ahh Fatty – we will become brothers in Iron in St George. Yes you will need to work on the swim…I played water-polo in college and it was good practice for this:


    (it kind of makes me pee my pants whenever I see the start…)

    The rest will be a piece of cake – you will crush on the bike and you know you can run the run.

    I’ll probably be out of the water 1/2 hour in front of you, and I predict you’ll be about that much faster than me on the bike. We may be running the marathon together! I’ll be the guy in lycra with shaved legs….

  44. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.9.2010 | 4:00 pm

    Nobody wears a speedo anymore to swim…it’s speed-shorts (they look suprisingly like standard road bike lycra/spandex shorts but w/ no chammie to soak up you know what). Or if you have too much $, then get the full leg set (like Michael Phelps wears??) Those will set you back a bit. And if you still have any $ left over, you can get either a waterproof mp3 player as mentioned above, OR, you can find various waterproof ziplock type bags for them and can use any mp3 player…and then you need the neoprene waist-belt to hold your mp3 player/bag securely on your back as you rocket thru the water…and you also need waterproof headphones (H2O Audio..I have a set). Having music while spending zillions of endless mindless check-your-brain-at-the-door hour upon hour of SO-VERY-FUN lapswimming really helps you keep from becoming a psychopathic killer.

    OK…not really…you will still become a psychopathic killer…but you will have stylin’ tunes freshly in your mind when you do kill (I have bodies burried all over the place from my lapswimming days).

    Or, you just forget all this running/ironman nonsense and get on your bike(s) and RIDE!

  45. Comment by Jeff L. | 02.9.2010 | 4:06 pm

    Don’t forget all the lube you will need…for your neck, underarms, crotch, etc. Also, all that swimming equipment (fins, pull buoy, etc) needs to be placed at the end or your pool lane for every workout even though you won’t use it. Also, make sure you use a swim cap, even though you don’t have hair.

  46. Comment by Weaky6 | 02.9.2010 | 4:06 pm

    I heard the wetsuit allows you coast, like on a bike. Really the only thing you need is the mindset that you can beat the women bicyclist that just past you on the bike. And she will, and then another, and another. Oh the agony….

  47. Comment by Chris B | 02.9.2010 | 4:23 pm

    Do triathletes wear bike shorts? If not how on earth do they managed to have any skin left at the end of the ride? And if they do, what’s it like riding in a pair of shorts with a wet chamois after the swim?

    Good news on the bento box. I eat all my meals from one.

  48. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 02.9.2010 | 4:30 pm

    do remember to return from “the dark side” once you gloriously cross the finish line throwing candy to all the other finishers.

  49. Comment by john | 02.9.2010 | 4:40 pm

    Now I am impressed. There is no hiding from the IM. Feel free to give Cynthia a shout for some coaching. She is retired now but the memories remain.

  50. Comment by Tina Z | 02.9.2010 | 4:52 pm

    Wow! Congrats on the engagement and the triathlon. Some (probably unwanted but could be useful) tips from a swimmer: be sure to swim in a crowded pool, it will get you use to kicks near and in your face and body parts. Freaking out over crowds in the water and running out of gas too early are classic newbie (and sometimes veteran) swimmer mistakes. A wetsuit will keep you afloat, but it won’t get you to the finish line! Good luck.

  51. Comment by Robert | 02.9.2010 | 5:12 pm


    As a triathlete who’s racing AUGUSTA 70.3 this year, you do need to do one major thing:

    TELL THE GUYS AT TWIN SIX TO MAKE TRI GEAR including shorts and jerseys! :)

    I’ve been on them a couple times now and it’d be pretty awesome to race in FATTY gear! I’m all in.

    -and yes, you can use a snorkel in the race. Fins however, no.

    Congrats Fatty!

  52. Comment by Donna W. | 02.9.2010 | 5:20 pm

    Dear Fatty (my mom told me never to call anyone fatty, fatso, etc. so it’s a little awkward addressing you in these terms :)

    A fellow cyclist turned me on to your site and I just love it. I’m so excited about your IM news. I’m competing in my first full distance as well in November at the Beach to Battleship in Wilmington, NC. I’ve done up to the half IM distance so this will really test my limits…anyone’s limits. It will take place on the eve of my 50th and I am also doing on behalf of my sis-in-law Kathy who we just lost to cancer in July so the funds raised will go to our local hospice organization.
    I’m particularly interested to have my brother read your site as he too lost his wife after a four year ordeal with cancer so I think he’ll really be able to relate to what you write about and he too is an avid cyclist.
    Keep up the great work..I’m listening…reading…

  53. Comment by Rocket | 02.9.2010 | 5:33 pm

    Me thinks Ironing Fat is a better handle. Also any belly rubbing should be done with a large grin similar to Alex Baldwin in Cat in The Hat. Also agree on transitions, lets face it tiathletes dont like bikes it just gets them to the running bit.


  54. Comment by Ethan | 02.9.2010 | 5:37 pm


    I did Ironman Florida last year and managed to have fun (I guess I would consider it a sport). Training demands a crazy amount of time so have fun with that, you seem prepared to stop socializing.

    I’ll be looking forward to your posts about this training.


  55. Comment by Russ | 02.9.2010 | 5:42 pm

    Look at this way, you can now laugh at more of the Frazz comics….

  56. Comment by Bob | 02.9.2010 | 5:47 pm

    love your blog, cyclist of many years, racing more than 30, 59 years old.
    most sorry of loosing your wife, i lost my 15 year old daughter 2 years ago,to cancer, my ex wife used to rail on me for having selfish audacity to ride my bike over to visit with my daughter. lots to share,
    how come when i hit the contact bar nothing happens?

  57. Comment by Frank | 02.9.2010 | 5:47 pm

    At fat and 55, I gotta say the recumbent saved my cycling life! You have to move this up on your life plan … what a hoot! It’s land luge only up high.

    Save your back, neck and prostate. Go ‘Bent!

  58. Comment by Bicycle Bill | 02.9.2010 | 6:06 pm

    After you get done with the Ironman, give me a shout. I’ve got two ‘bents and you’re welcome to try either one of them.

    Or better yet, just show up here:


  59. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 02.9.2010 | 6:09 pm

    Are you suggesting triathletes don’t have a sense of humor? Clearly you’ve been hanging around with the wrong crowd. Charisa, Bree Wee, Chrissie Wellington – wonderful perspective and humor. I’m going to thoroughly enjoy watching you train for this bad boy.

  60. Comment by Frank | 02.9.2010 | 6:57 pm

    If you can ride a century without being unduly tired and in need of sleep then you can finish an ironman. Finishing an ironman is not that hard really -the effort compares to a double century- and the time cutoffs are very generous. As long as you can swim the distance and ride a decent pace, you will have plenty of time left to walk (most, nearly all of) the marathon -along with most other people.

    Racing an ironman on the other hand is very hard, and it is not something to be taken lightly. There is an immense difference between racing and finishing, especially in an event this long. I would not recommend that you try racing the event, because you may end up with a DNF.

    You only really need to worry about food, a tribike, and other issues if you plan to race. A wetsuit is needed because most swim are in very cold water. Time-wise it won’t make a big difference unless you are a good swimmer.

  61. Comment by Judgement free zone | 02.9.2010 | 7:23 pm

    You’ve forgotten to take a before pic because after you’re done preparing for this thing you’re going to be one smoking hot dude, not that you aren’t already of course, sir.

    I’m so excited for you. It’s almost making me want to do one. But as a famous fat guy once said (I dont’ recall who), “Whenever I feel the urge to get in shape, I just lay down and wait for it to pass”.

    So sleepy…

  62. Comment by Zed | 02.9.2010 | 7:29 pm

    Ha ha ha! An Ironman! That was the funniest post yet!

    Oh crap. You were serious, huh? Okay then, I’ll admit, I’ve actually fantasized about doing an Ironman before my sense returned to me and I realized that i don’t have 20 hours a week to train for a sport (that rotten NBC makes it look so darn easy!), so I’ve gone ahead and thought through an Ironman training, er, survival plan. Allow me to share that with you:

    So here’s what I propose: Get really, really, really good at the swim and the bike (which you’re already good at anyway). After all, if you can finish those in six hours, you’ll have 11 hours to walk the marathon. Even your grandma could do that. Well, someone’s grandma could. You get the point. Don’t get shut down at that 2:20 swim cutoff. That would make for an awfully short day.

  63. Comment by jill | 02.9.2010 | 7:30 pm

    This is sure to provide many hours of quality blog reading. Awesome!

    Congrats on taking it up a notch, IronFatty.

  64. Comment by Stan | 02.9.2010 | 8:05 pm

    Isn’t this race in May? As in less than 3 months from now? I hate to say it, but you’ll probably be grabbing on to a safety boat begging for a DQ. You need to enter the relay category and find someone else to do the run and swim. Then you just get to ride the bike. And the best part about tri bikes is that you don’t have any of those stupid french rules about equipment. You can pretty much ride anything. Some tri bikes looks like they are from another planet, and that is just plain cool.

  65. Comment by Mike | 02.9.2010 | 8:06 pm

    I have access to a portable defibrillator. Shall we all plan to meet at say…. 15 1/2 miles into the run?

  66. Comment by Odder | 02.9.2010 | 8:08 pm

    First… watch this 30 second clip from Clif Bar on Triathlon training… Very Important!

    Second… when is the 100 miles of nowhere and will it have a triathlon option available?

    Third… please hurry and get married. It is troubling to watch the Runner have to suffer so deeply babysitting your sorry butt out there in the name of love. I figure once you say “I DO” she will drop the hammer on you!

  67. Comment by Odder | 02.9.2010 | 8:08 pm

    My bad… here is the clif bar clip… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3S0wu4Zbfk

  68. Comment by Bee | 02.9.2010 | 8:25 pm

    If by “doing a triathlon” you mean “being the person in the kayak waving the paddles in a menancing/encouraging manner”, and by “running” you mean “chanting a mantra that goes ‘I’mgonnadieI’mgonndieI’mgonnadie”, and by “biking” you mean doing the only sport of the three that makes sense, then I am totally adding this to my extremely rigorous training regime. Currently, I have not missed a day in several months of my training. I look out the window, flex my still-healing broken hand, and curse the icy, wasteland weather, and then either go to the gym or get on the bike trainer muttering epic curses to the horrible climate under my breath. It’s a great program. Try it!

  69. Comment by Mo | 02.9.2010 | 9:16 pm

    Re: #1. it’s 2.4 miles of swimming, not just two… and that extra .4 is a bitch, so get ready to frolic! Go Fatty Go!!

  70. Comment by Paris | 02.9.2010 | 10:07 pm

    Iron Fatty…now that is hottt!!!

  71. Comment by Paulscarlett | 02.9.2010 | 10:17 pm

    love your work @Odder !!!

  72. Comment by SuomiTri | 02.9.2010 | 10:30 pm

    sweet. look forward to the race write-up. maybe you should look into doing a sprint or olympic tri before the big race.

  73. Comment by Dr. Lammler | 02.9.2010 | 11:00 pm

    I’m confused.

    You’re combining swimming with bricks?

    This can’t end well.

  74. Comment by MVSC | 02.9.2010 | 11:23 pm

    Yikes – when I made that SwimBikeRun comment when you introduced the Runner, I didn’t expect it to come true so quickly!
    Two words from a retired lazy triathlete: Body Glide.
    Or join a relay team and outsource the swimming and running!

  75. Comment by LoPhat | 02.9.2010 | 11:32 pm

    Unfortunately, “fattriathlete.com” is already taken, so I think you’re SOL…

  76. Comment by Alison Shearer | 02.10.2010 | 12:48 am

    “I’ve been meaning to learn to swim for several years now”

    You crack me up….often – but I especially loved this line today.

  77. Comment by Dobovedo | 02.10.2010 | 12:55 am

    “IronFatty.” OMG I’m laughing so hard at the oxymoronity of that I’m cryin’!

    This is gonna be a FUN ride (and run.. and swim).

    There are so many inevitable things that you’re gonna discover on this journey – and subsequently write about – that I can’t even begin to list them here. And I can’t wait to read them.

    Hey, maybe you can get TwinSix/Bento to make a custom Fat Cyclist Bento Box?

  78. Comment by Waffles & Steel | 02.10.2010 | 1:23 am

    Sorry, did anyone mention that you should start practicing writing numbers all over your body? Get your kids to help. Good luck!

  79. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 02.10.2010 | 2:00 am

    I believe the Speedo which is mentioned in the above posts are actually in the country of their birth known as Speedo’s and more recently they are being called “Budgie Smugglers”. Let the mind wander and see the picture. I can see a huge market for Fat Cyclist Budgie Smugglers – Twin6 over to you.

  80. Comment by Shiny Flu | 02.10.2010 | 2:37 am

    Maybe Sidi/Specialized can get you some PRO Tri shoes because of your high-blogosphere-status… to make those transitions all the more faster whilst simultaneously helping you out on the ‘correct attire’ front.

  81. Comment by Razor | 02.10.2010 | 3:31 am

    OK. This has gone a bit to far.

    Fatty, you need to go into the room of mirrors and have a good long hard look at yourself.

  82. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 02.10.2010 | 5:52 am

    You sacrificed several dot points to attire without any mention of the fact that triathletes complete the entire event wearing a pair of budgie smugglers.

  83. Comment by Edie | 02.10.2010 | 7:12 am

    I have done triathlons before but I didn’t lose my sense of humor until someone actually called me a “triathlete.” I think it might have been some old woman with a bad hip that I had been swearing at (hey, she swore first).

    That’s also when I quit running.

    Also have to agree with Alison (3rd comment) – those ppl on slowtwitch are helpful… really. Heh.

    Maybe you can qualify for the World’s and race against Lance.

  84. Comment by Bill | 02.10.2010 | 7:23 am


    I just posted this over on beginnertriathlete.com for some good laughs.


    Give it a couple of hours and it might get interesting if you get bored and want to read some good replies!

    Love it myself!

  85. Comment by Philly Jen | 02.10.2010 | 7:36 am

    So the St. George Ironman is on the first day of the fifth month of the year, eh?

    (1) Mayday! Mayday!
    (2) Coulton alert!

    Speaking of bento boxes, could you get someone to invent something for those of us whose top tubes are so short that we have no space to fit one and still stand over the bike? Hello Kitty and I thank you in advance.

  86. Comment by Mike | 02.10.2010 | 7:50 am

    This seems to be the going trend with cyclists. I’ve recently taken up running and now am training for my first triathlon. Good luck Fatty, I look forward to purchasing a Team Fatty wetsuit!

  87. Comment by Doug | 02.10.2010 | 8:13 am

    As a former competitive cyclist let me say that I love triathlon. 2010 is my second season. Enjoy. I recommend you enter a couple of shorter triathlons before St. George, a sprint and/or olympic to get the feel for the event. Also transitions really do need to be practiced.

    Your blog is going to be interesting.

  88. Comment by Randoboy | 02.10.2010 | 8:14 am

    Where would the Clydesdale go on that Fat Cyclist mankini? Twin-6 should have two versions: Clydesdale in back for those who have a sense of humor, or Clydesdale in front for those that are full of themselves. A real triathlete would only choose the latter.


  89. Comment by Frank | 02.10.2010 | 8:58 am

    Oh, you gonna have fun. The swim part is like being in a huge whirlpool while arms and legs are smacking you left and right (That clif bar commercial is hilarious!)

    I’m looking forward to your training and race reports :)

  90. Comment by linteater | 02.10.2010 | 9:32 am

    hahahahah welcome to the dark side!

    Snorkels are allowed, but I think most people dont’ use them because it slows you down…or something? Or maybe it’s all the getting kicked in the head/swam over in the beginning. If you’re relying on a snorkel you’re going to drown at the start.

    Good luck!

  91. Comment by Heidi | 02.10.2010 | 9:56 am

    @PhillyJen: *snort!*

  92. Comment by Frankenhip | 02.10.2010 | 9:59 am

    I am learning to swim too. Looking forward to reading about your training…

  93. Comment by fish | 02.10.2010 | 10:07 am

    You can actually hang out and have fun with training – you just aren’t really a triathlete. You’ll tear it up and make a lot of serious triathletes really sad. See you down there.

  94. Comment by Kelly | 02.10.2010 | 10:17 am

    Your blog wil never have a shortage of topics again. I can’t wait to read more. :)
    Congrats to you and Runner Girl!

  95. Comment by sarge@mach5 | 02.10.2010 | 10:29 am

    You need a pink TYR swimsuit with FATTY stitched across the back. This will be your exclusive bottom wear for all your training and even going to the store in. Always make sure the suit is accompanied by some type of exposed stomach shirt or jersey without sleeves.

  96. Comment by Charisa | 02.10.2010 | 10:38 am

    Bento box? Too small – get a big basket to hold all those calories on your bike!


  97. Comment by gareth | 02.10.2010 | 11:02 am

    mad as a bag of snakes.

  98. Comment by Gary | 02.10.2010 | 12:19 pm

    Be sure to properly train for the brutal mass start swims as shown in this Clif Bar Ad -


  99. Comment by Aaron | 02.10.2010 | 12:23 pm

    But the real question is….. Did you get into Leadville this year?

  100. Comment by Lin | 02.10.2010 | 12:39 pm

    Blah blah Ironman blah.

    What we *really* want to know is the story behind the engagement process! We need the setup here!


    If you want a difficult IM, try the WI one. Having been on most of the bike course, I can tell you with the hills and wind, it is certainly tough. Best of luck in your training.

  101. Comment by AnneB | 02.10.2010 | 12:58 pm

    Will there be FatCyclist tri suits available for purchase?

  102. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.10.2010 | 2:01 pm

    “Learn to Swim”. I’m sure you won’t have ANY problem at all in the mass swim start with your newfound swimming capabilities. I recommend you work your way right up in the front (GRIN!) I can’t WAIT to read about this! It’s not like a mass running start where everybody kind of baby-steps and such until you actually get moving. Once that gun goes off, the people behind you (if they are faster than you) will literally claw and kick their way right over the top of you. Your speedo best be on pretty tight, and hang onto your goggles in the boiling cauldron of rabid swimming humanity. I had all kinds of bruises and claw marks after my first open water swim/mass start (Hawaii north shore series). Scared the dickens out of me, and I was a pretty decent swimmer. Those people are CRAZY! You will be pushed underwater as they go over you, and will find yourself clawing for air yourself. It’s such a frenzied insane frothing mass that I’m pretty sure even sharks stay away, lest they get hurt. Enjoy! It’s gonna be an epic story, thats for sure!

  103. Comment by A tri widow | 02.10.2010 | 2:34 pm

    You must get proper Budgie Smugglers. I suggest Funky trunks (google it) for the proper swim attire – they are very cool.. If there is one thing Aussie’s know it is swim wear.

    The girls stuff is really good as well.

  104. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 02.10.2010 | 2:37 pm

    I just remembered… make sure you buy a 55 chainring. And a cluster with an 11. If Robbie McEwen hit 40mph, I’m sure you can turn that sucker over at 20. Remember, to maintain 60 rpm you must push down both legs once per second, not one leg per second like the tri-pathlete who invited himself into our restday ride.

  105. Comment by Andy | 02.10.2010 | 2:48 pm

    Someone mentioned learning to pee on the bike… Fatty’s been there, done that: http://www.fatcyclist.com/2006/01/23/how-to-pee-whilst-riding-your-bike/

  106. Comment by Andy | 02.10.2010 | 2:50 pm

    Whoops, link above is to a Fat Cyclist article written by Bob. Well, at least Fatty has experienced friends to learn from!

  107. Comment by LittleChainring | 02.10.2010 | 4:20 pm

    Don’t forget to send Dr. Michael Lämmler a dozen roses.

  108. Comment by Mike P | 02.10.2010 | 4:41 pm

    I knew it. I knew this would happen. *shakes head in disappointment*

    First running, now this. I’m thinking of writing the internet authorities to have the Fat”Cyclist” domain name repealed and replaced with Fat”activity participant” instead.

    I will consider better names as I suffer indoors, stationary, on the BIKE tonight – like cyclists should be. Not running and swimming.

    Such disappointment. Timex better have donated a pretty-penny for you to have gone this far, otherwise I think it’s safe to say “The Runner” has polluted your logical thinking.

    Running, come on. I thought that was bad, now triathlons. sigh.

  109. Comment by Mike P | 02.10.2010 | 4:43 pm

    P.S. that was a lot of sarcasm on my part… wanted to make sure it read that way.

  110. Comment by steventoby | 02.10.2010 | 4:46 pm

    So….what exactly are you implying with the ‘move to Kentucky’ remark?

    “Dude, I have got a shark jump I’m working on that is so freaking weird my entire readership is going to convulse, delete their site bookmarks / RSS feeds, and move to Kentucky. – FC”

    Those of us from the Bluegrass State are very sensitive about such things.

  111. Comment by Justin | 02.10.2010 | 5:31 pm

    This is gonna be good. Ha. Ha. Ha.

    Seriously, one piece of advice, pool swimming is one thing, but get into that wetsuit and into a lake before the race. Hate to find out open water swimming terrifies you on race day. (It does me.)

  112. Comment by Nancy | 02.10.2010 | 6:05 pm

    Forgive me if someone already said this as I haven’t gone through all of the comments but to quote something that I read a number of years ago, “nothing says rich white man with too much time and money on his hands in desperate need of a dominatrix like a triathlete”

  113. Comment by Shawn | 02.10.2010 | 6:28 pm

    I knew this post was coming!

    Hope your Ironman (and mine) goes well.

    “Pain is the result of weakness leaving your body.” – Ironman Triathlete

  114. Comment by kentucky joe | 02.10.2010 | 6:36 pm

    hey, I’m already in kentucky!!!

  115. Comment by bubbaseadog | 02.10.2010 | 7:51 pm

    but you are the fat cyclist not the fat iron man !!!!

  116. Comment by LarryM | 02.10.2010 | 8:08 pm

    Fatty, great news. Finish this and maybe Wasatch will let you in and you can spend 36 hours wandering along the tops of the mountains with us in September. That’s a case of serious fun.


  117. Comment by bikequeen | 02.10.2010 | 10:59 pm

    Something else for your triathlon training:
    Do not stand up while climbing hills…
    Sometimes I wonder when I see some trias, looks like they forget that they are not glued to their aerobars and their seats.

  118. Comment by Gomez | 02.11.2010 | 12:34 am

    Sounds like I’m too late for an intervention; I’ll have to just try…an accommodation:

    there are lots of jokey suggestions here, but I think it is time to embrace the ultimate ramifications of doing an IM–you can get a new bike! Yes, a dedicated TT bike, all upright with dedicated TT bars, not the clip-ons. Maybe a Cervelo? Maybe one of Lance’s leftovers? For that matter Jan Ullrich ought to be having a garage sale, he probably has a couple from which you could choose.

    At the end of the day I think we’ve seen that Fatty (FatTri now?) is highly adept at shmoozing high-quality gear from willing manufacturers, I anticipate that he will get several and publish side-by-side reviews. Maybe Gary Fisher will create his first ever, single-speed 29″ tri bike or such.

  119. Comment by eandjmum | 02.11.2010 | 4:16 am

    NOW that is worth a wee wager…. shall we say $20.10 to your LiveStrong account if you complete it?!?!?? In under the official cut-off time!?!? And in 2010?!?! You are one craaaaazzzzzzzy guy!?!?!?

  120. Comment by Barb Douglas | 02.11.2010 | 6:22 am

    Fattriguy? What’s with that? Be fun to follow your adventure

  121. Comment by Cardiac Kid | 02.11.2010 | 6:39 am

    Aero helmet…you should get one and start wearing it right away and all the time. Even when you running and driving and cooking dinner..oh and when you’re riding I guess.

  122. Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 02.11.2010 | 8:45 am

    Wow! You go, Fatty! I’ll do a tri, but not an IronMan. That’s intense.

    Shoot. Now that I’ve said that, the secret is going to make me do both a regular tri AND an ironman, isn’t it? I’m tired already.

  123. Comment by TheChief | 02.11.2010 | 9:10 am

    I hope you can finish Fatty, so on your calf you can permanently and proudly ingrain a symbol of your ridiculous achievement in the form the “Ironman” tattoo.

  124. Comment by run-girl-run | 02.11.2010 | 11:01 am

    Congrats! Very exciting for you! Tri training is long but also easier on your body than training for one sport.

    I want to reiterate what Justin said – swim in open water before the event. You can’t simulate an open water swim in the pool. And that Clif Bar commercial is fairly accurate. I’ve been kicked in the face, arm, chest, etc., many times in a mass start. DO lots of Bricks!! Even if you’re not running far after the bike, it gets you used to the out-of-body/noodley muscle feeling.

    Here are a couple random tri tips/picks:
    My favorite tri shorts are DeSoto Carrera shorts – they dry quickly. If you don’t have a bib/fuel belt for the run you’ll want one. And I love my aero-bar mounted water bottle. It keeps my in position and I drink more. Don’t forget Body Glide!
    The Runner will help with all these logistics. A veteran will help you tremendously! Especially one who likes you. :)

  125. Comment by stanaconda | 02.11.2010 | 11:15 am

    Relax during the swim. The first 400 yards are a bit chaotic. Use the front crawl over the side stroke you mentioned in a previous post. The side stroke is leg intensive and you need to save your legs for the bike and swim.
    Be sure to say WHEEEE when going downhill on the bike. The puzzling looks are worth it.

  126. Comment by GJ Jackie | 02.11.2010 | 12:24 pm

    Good on you, Fatty. As an ex-competitive swimmer my best coaching suggestion is to relax….stretch…glide. Being a windmill will get you nowhere. See how few strokes you can take across a pool, and then try to take one less. Repeat. Repeat. Again and again. Ad nausium.

    That reminds me of why I now ride bikes!

  127. Comment by Clydesteve | 02.11.2010 | 1:04 pm

    since you are becoming a triathAlete, fatty, you should make sure you can store your sense of humor in a Bento box. Or cook it in a bundt cake.

  128. Comment by Decker | 02.11.2010 | 1:11 pm

    It must be cosmic fate! I am doing my first Tri in May just like you!! We’ll become training buddies!!! TriFatty and Decker…has nice ring to it!!!!

  129. Comment by Shaun | 02.11.2010 | 1:15 pm

    Any bets which major bike manufacturer will be the first to set Fatty up with a super bling TT bike?
    My money is on TREK

  130. Comment by gered | 02.11.2010 | 1:16 pm

    poop. you have to learn how to hold it a really, really long time. and pre-race coffee is totally out of the question.

  131. Comment by Clydesteve | 02.11.2010 | 1:41 pm

    what the? I used to like the comments section. it was funny. now it’s full of triadvisealetes and ‘bent riders.

  132. Comment by Matt'Sea' | 02.11.2010 | 2:01 pm

    GT Jackie…after meeting Fatty (@ Austin), I’m just not seeing him as much of a ‘glider’…Fatty’s gonna be more like a fireplug augering thru the water (sorry Fatty…I could be wrong…just call em’ as I see em’). Though surely a wetsuit will help with that part…anytime you can stop swimming and still stay afloat is a good thing. No wetsuit thou and the constant forward motion-glide/stretch/relax part really becomes important. At least if you wanna breath.

    Fatty..when you learn to swim, try to learn to breath on both sides (ie: every third stroke, not every second). Thats a much more efficient breathing pattern for long distance, and the bonus is you get to see both sides of you all the time. It would be much easier to just learn that from the start…took me a LOT of time in the pool to learn that to the point where it felt natural…overcoming old habits are very hard.

  133. Comment by Lissee (formerlyl known as Bitter) | 02.11.2010 | 11:18 pm

    So it took me about 4-5 paragraphs to realize that you weren’t joking, and yet when I reached the end of your post I was still looking for the gotcha!

    I can’t believe it! You’re going to do a Triathalon! How funny. Can’t wait to see pictures of you enjoying a ride on a recumbant next year. *grin*

    Good luck with all the new training techniques. My favorite are the bricks.

    Congrats on making it through the marathon btw. :) I don’t make it over to post very often anymore, but I still read via RSS feed. :)


  134. Comment by Jason | 02.12.2010 | 11:42 am

    you want to be sure to get a swimmer’s snorkle (used them all the time for swim team training). You can also get a little cap that goes over the end to make the air-hole smaller to help with your training/breathing

  135. Comment by Gomez | 02.13.2010 | 2:34 am

    As far as transitions go: rather than super fast, a friend of mine got a massage during a transition. That sounds pretty smart.

  136. Comment by Laurie | 02.17.2010 | 9:03 am

    This should make you laugh:


  137. Comment by yellowJersey | 02.27.2010 | 11:28 am

    ha, you finally broke down and got a Bento Box!


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