New Allegations in Floyd Landis Case

02.22.2010 | 11:40 am

A Note from Fatty: A big thanks to Dug  for helping me “research” many of the allegations in this news piece.

201002220931.jpgPARIS (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Floyd Landis, former Tour-de-France champion and longtime sporter of scruffy facial hair, has recently found himself facing a France-based arrest warrant for hacking into the French anti-doping agency AFLD.

Pierre Bordry, head of the AFLD, asserts that “Landis, under cover of the night, wearing black cycling tights and black long-sleeved cycling jersey, snuck into our lab, where — using the mad computer skills he developed in the Computer Hacking Class he took at the local Mennonite Technical College — he proceeded to download all of our most sensitive data, and uploaded all kinds of malware and trojan horses and tasteless, photoshopped images of Thomas Voeckler.”

“Quite clearly, this was Landis’ work,” continued Bordry. “As evidenced by the way he wrote “Floyd wuz here” and “Metallica ROOLZ” on a whiteboard near the computer where he was working.”

“Also, he left candy wrappers, PBR cans, and cookie crumbs all over the place,” continued the AFLD head. “Landis is — in addition to being a doper, hacker, and ninja-like break-in artist — a total slob.”

And today, additional allegations have come to light, casting a still-darker shadow on the already well-shaded cyclist.

More Seriously Illegal Doping Problems

Bordry asserts that, far from merely doping himself, “Floyd Landis also made other people dope. He was sneaking EPO into Basso’s juice, giving Iban Mayo HGH under the pretense that it was mayonnaise, and secretly sneaking all manner of noxious concoctions into Tyler Hamilton’s herbal remedies.”

“We are confident, in fact, that Floyd Landis is responsible for every single doping incident that has ever happened. And for several which have not happened yet,” continued Bordry, his voice quivering with emotion.

Concluded Bordry, “Floyd Landis is the root cause of all doping in the whole universe and must be stopped at once.”

Still More Allegations

Landis’ offenses are not limited to cycling-related activities, according to French authorities. In addition to doping, Landis is guilty of and / or wanted for questioning in France for the following offenses:

  • Being the originator of the term “Freedom Fries”
  • Owning several McDonald’s franchises in Paris
  • Disliking very thin pancakes
  • Knocking down and ridiculing a mime, simply because the mime was wearing a beret
  • Being possibly descended from Henry V
  • Claiming to not consider Amelie to be the best film ever made
  • Wearing excessively gauche attire
  • Drinking beer while eating fish, instead of going with a nice white wine
  • Causing the French defeat in the Battle of Dien Bien Phu

What This Does NOT Mean

According to Bordry, none of this has anything to do with circumventing the conclusion of Landis’ suspension from ranks of professional cyclists and keeping Landis out of France — and hence, from ever making another attempt at a Tour de France win. “Of course we realize that we are investigating Landis for a crime to which another person has already confessed,” said Bordry. “But we want to be absolutely certain.”

When asked why this warrant has not been distributed outside of French territory, Bordry remarked, “That is an excellent question, and I hereby issue an arrest warrant for you, should you ever enter France.”


  1. Comment by bikemike | 02.22.2010 | 11:54 am

    floyd, floyd, null and void.

  2. Comment by Anonymous | 02.22.2010 | 12:01 pm

    Thanks for the laugh!!! When I read the news article about Floyd I immediately thought about your next ‘fake news story’.

  3. Comment by Weaky6 | 02.22.2010 | 12:05 pm

    The best line. “Hacking Class he took at the local Mennonite Technical College”

  4. Comment by Rob | 02.22.2010 | 12:08 pm

    Fashionable in the US to knock the French isn’t it?

    Was Floyd also single-handedly responsible for winning the American War of Independence? Oh no, that was the French…

    Only when there’s a cheap laugh to be had at their expense. (Please note that this article — including #12 — was written in a British newspaper.) – FC

  5. Comment by chad | 02.22.2010 | 12:08 pm

    Floyd landis, you have no chance to survive. Make your time.

    I personally believe that somebody set up him the bomb. – FC

  6. Comment by MattC | 02.22.2010 | 12:10 pm

    Geez….just how much ’shaft’ can one guy get in a lifetime? Floyd is finding out…I think the LNDD (and the French in general) are rather miffed at his exposing their sloppy work to the world…and this is how they get payback. Ride Floyd, RIDE!

  7. Comment by MattC | 02.22.2010 | 12:11 pm

    Oh, and Fatty…”All your database are belong to me!”?? Am I missing something?? What would your English teacher think for gosh sakes!

    This will help. – FC

  8. Comment by Francois | 02.22.2010 | 12:19 pm

    Fattie, c’est incroyable. Vous serez puni si vous placez jamais le pied sur le sol français ! Vive la France!


  9. Comment by Philly Jen | 02.22.2010 | 12:19 pm

    MattC: Ask the hive mind, and you shall receive.

  10. Comment by Allan | 02.22.2010 | 12:20 pm

    I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

  11. Comment by skippy | 02.22.2010 | 12:21 pm

    Does Bordry have any resemblence to “Inspector Clauseau”? perhaps he is looking for a future in Farce as UCI has decided that he has lost the plot and wants nothing to do with him and his agency!doesn’t seem to mention Flandis is guilty of mispronouncing & misusing the french language which has been a crime since 1994.

  12. Comment by Jeff | 02.22.2010 | 12:35 pm

    “For great justice take off every zig!”

    I haven’t seen that animation in probably ten years. Now it’s stuck in my head like I just saw it yesterday.

  13. Comment by Dr. Randal Mandos | 02.22.2010 | 12:42 pm

    @Rob: I’ll bet your last name is Roy, which means “King” in French so you’ve been outed, damned Frog. Or should I call you “Ro-behr” with a silent T? French bashing? American whining is not heard above the magisterial din of our betters, like so many unruly children who should have the good taste to be neither seen nor heard, or win the Tour de France. Almost as bad as “les bouches”.

  14. Comment by MattC | 02.22.2010 | 1:06 pm

    Sorry Fatty…thanks for the link (still don’t understand it…but at least you have documentation). I guess I don’t get out much. How about this then: “All your bikes are belong to me!” Do anything for you? No? OK…how about “ONE of your bikes are belong to me!” then?? Still no?? Oh well…had to try.

  15. Comment by Haven (KT) | 02.22.2010 | 1:30 pm

    I saw this news report and knew you would have something to say about it– the situation was just ripe for a Fatty spin. The situation is almost too laughable right now without any Fatty spin.

    Loved that Telegraph article… so true.

  16. Comment by Jenni | 02.22.2010 | 1:31 pm

    Oh boy, this has potential to go badly.

  17. Comment by Mike | 02.22.2010 | 1:34 pm


    I can’t believe you skipped over the “dog whisperer” aspect of this case! The link no longer works, but here is a copy of the article (found @ Rant-your-head-off):

    Scooby the dog makes legal history after appearing in court as a witness in a murder case
    By Peter Allen

    Crime caper: Like the cartoon dog, the animal could play a vital role in the case

    A dog named Scooby has created legal history by appearing as a witness in a murder case.

    The animal’s 59-year-old owner had been found hanging from the ceiling of her Paris flat. Police believe it was suicide but her family say that it was murder.

    The dog was in the flat at the time of the death.

    During a preliminary hearing in the city, the pet was led into the witness box by a vet.

    A suspect in the case was presented to the dog, to see how it reacted.

    It is said to have ‘barked furiously’.

    The aim was to decide if there was sufficient evidence to launch a full murder inquiry.

    A decision on the case is pending.

    The legal first took place in the Paris suburb of Nanterre, with controversial French judge Thomas Cassuto praising the animal for his ‘exemplary behaviour and invaluable assistance.’

    The dog, who shares his name with timid cartoon crime-buster Scooby Doo, was believed to have been with his owner during her last hours two-and-a-half years ago.

    During the hearing a court clerk was asked to ‘record all of the dog’s barks’ and to note ‘its general behaviour throughout the cross examination’.

    Because of its controversial nature, the hearing was held behind closed doors, with public and press excluded.

    While prosecution lawyers welcomed the appearance of the dog, others doubted that the animal’s behaviour could be interpreted as legal evidence.

    The two-and-a-half years since the death of the animal’s owner are the equivalent of about 17 dog years.

    ‘That’s a long time for a dog to remember what went on,’ said a legal source close to the case.

    ‘Getting a pet involved in a case of this nature is a novel idea, but a lot of people are extremely sceptical.

    ‘It’s a tragic case, but the appearance of the dog did cause a few laughs. He’s naturally been nicknamed Scooby.’

    Scooby Doo is the famous animated talking dog who continually solves crime mysteries with the help of four American teenagers. The TV show, which started broadcasting in 1969, is hugely popular around the world, including France and Britain.

    A spokesman for the Palais de Justice in Paris confirmed that the Nanterre case was the first time a dog had appeared as a witness in criminal proceedings in France.

    He said he was ‘almost certain’ it was also a world first.

  18. Comment by Mike | 02.22.2010 | 1:35 pm

    I should have clarified: French judge Thomas Cassuto is the judge that issued the arrest warrant for Floyd…

  19. Comment by Jennifer | 02.22.2010 | 1:39 pm

    You should probably consider freelancing for The Onion.

  20. Comment by George | 02.22.2010 | 1:43 pm

    My prediction: Floyd Landis will be disqualified from the ‘100 Miles to Nowhere’ for doping while serving time in his French jail cell.

  21. Comment by KanyonKris | 02.22.2010 | 1:51 pm

    Now we know who to blame for global warming.

  22. Comment by SactoDave | 02.22.2010 | 2:46 pm

    Fatty, consider these statistics and compare them to the mentality of our French friends:

    1. Every 60 seconds a car is stolen.
    2. Every 45 seconds there is an assualt.
    3. Every 30 seconds a home is broken into.
    4. Every 15 seconds a woman has a baby.

    Dammit, we have to find that lady and stop her!

    Viva la France!

  23. Comment by Mike Robson | 02.22.2010 | 2:50 pm

    I want us to test every french cyclist who comes to the TDC the minute they get off the plane. Then every 3 hours while they are on american soil. If he doesn’t follow Armstrong, none of this happens.

  24. Comment by David | 02.22.2010 | 2:51 pm

    You forgot another offense: Floyd does not like Jerry Lewis.

  25. Comment by leroy | 02.22.2010 | 3:18 pm

    Aaarghhh! Beaten to the Jerry Lewis reference. Nice one, David.

    I really have to train more.

    But now that I think about it, maybe that was Floyd prank calling the AFLD and asking if they had Prince Alberto in the can.

  26. Comment by Tina Z | 02.22.2010 | 3:28 pm

    classic “Onion” article, do they take freelance?

  27. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 02.22.2010 | 4:51 pm

    Excellent reporting!

  28. Comment by GenghisKhan | 02.22.2010 | 4:52 pm

    @leroy: Floyd was prank calling, but he was asking if they had le petit prince Albert in a can…

  29. Comment by sllym | 02.22.2010 | 5:03 pm

    Ahh – the Fat Cyclist Fake News report I have been waiting for since this story originally broke. Worth the wait.

  30. Comment by Tree | 02.22.2010 | 8:57 pm

    I often daydream of kicking the crap out of a mime…GO FLOYD!!

  31. Comment by BamaJim | 02.22.2010 | 9:13 pm

    Not thinking Amelie to be the best movie is an offense? My daughter is in trouble. In high school french class, her favorite french movie was jurassic park. Instead of complex dialogue, everyone ran around screaming “aahh, le dinosaur, le dinosaur!”

  32. Comment by Pepe Le Pew | 02.22.2010 | 9:55 pm

    “I personally believe that somebody set up him the bomb. – FC”

    Pleaze forgive. My english iz no’so gooduh. Vat does thees mean?

  33. Comment by Weiland | 02.22.2010 | 10:52 pm


  34. Comment by Niall@Brisvegas | 02.23.2010 | 1:35 am

    Gee those Frogs are sooooo touchy! They still blame America for this:

    Go to a Google page and type in “French Military Victories” and then click ‘I feel lucky’.

    Follow the link to the new page.


  35. Comment by BionicCyclist | 02.23.2010 | 2:04 am

    Floyd…Floyd..naah, doesn`t ring a bell. Oh yeah! Isn`t he a character from the Muppet show?

  36. Comment by JTinSC | 02.23.2010 | 10:36 am

    . . . why do you think I have this outRAGEous accent ?

  37. Comment by Kellene | 02.23.2010 | 3:58 pm

    You know, the best part of the actual story is the one most people won’t know about. The EU has extensive laws about securing corporate data. Getting so thoroughly hacked means the anti-doping agency had wide-open security controls. Which means they were in violation of the law.

    Go ahead and blame Landis, mon ami. That won’t help when the EU cites and fines you out of existence for breaking the law.

    Isn’t karma great?

  38. Comment by JB | 02.23.2010 | 5:41 pm

    Good reporting!! Do you think anybody in France knows what a PBR is??
    It’s this sort of on the spot, detail, factual reporting that the FCFN service is all about!

  39. Comment by Global_explorer | 02.24.2010 | 3:01 am

    There you have it! I knew he was guilty! The crooks never sleep and neither does Clouseau!

  40. Comment by Pinky | 02.25.2010 | 3:59 am

    Another fantastic FCFNS article. I highly recommend a review of the following bike at some point:
    Enjoy. I think you could have fun with this one…

  41. Comment by the weak link | 03.1.2010 | 7:41 pm

    Classic mime reference. Do they freebase?


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