I Am So Excited To Be A Television Star

03.19.2012 | 1:00 am

A Note From Fatty About Today’s Post: Last week, I wrote to Paul Guyot, a writer / producer for the awesome TV show, Leverage, about some terrific ideas I had for the show. He was kind enough, the next day, to write me back.

This, naturally, got me thinking about ways I can help this show even more. I present them now to both you and Paul, in the form of this very helpful open letter.

Dear Paul,

Thanks very much for your letter. I appreciate the spirit in which I assume it was given. Although, frankly, some of the details were a little confusing to me. I’m sure my agent will explain them to me, though.

Which reminds me: do you have a good recommendation for an actors’ agent? I figure I should probably get one if I’m going to start being on TV a lot.

Until I get that agent, though, I wanted to follow up with you regarding a number of personnel issues concerning my upcoming role on Leverage.

201203181750.jpgConcerns About Fans

As you are no doubt aware, Paul, I am quite famous. For example, I have won four Bloggies — one of them the coveted Livetime Achievement award! I have been featured in Bicycling Magazine so many times it’s difficult to count. I have been on a radio program.

I have even been the recipient of the “Best Blog” award at the Utah Social Media Awards program.

Because of such widespread, massive exposure, I have found it increasingly disconcerting to appear in public, where I am as likely as not to be accosted by fans, some who inevitably want an autograph, a photo, a discount rate on advertising on my blog, weight loss tips, or — weirdly — all of the above.

And while I love each and every one of my fans (and know most of them by name, because I’m that kind of guy), I’m afraid that while I’m “on set” at Leverage, this may become distracting.

Therefore, I’d appreciate it if you’d step up security while I’m there, so that I can focus on bringing the truly brilliant acting job I know I am capable of, without distraction.

Concerns About Actors

Now Paul, I don’t know how to state this next requirement without it seeming rude, so I hope you’ll take it in the spirit it is meant (i.e., not a rude spirit): this attention to security and my personal space does not extend merely to the public in general.

Specifically, I need to ask you to notify the other actors (i.e., “the cast”) on the show to refrain from approaching me or making eye contact, except for when we are rehearsing or being taped.

If I would like to speak with one of the cast, my personal assistant (I’m assuming you’ll provide me with a personal assistant) will notify them that they are allowed to approach me.

Partially, this is to help me with a problem I have: I can’t remember the other actors’ real names. I’m almost certain I’ll call them by the names they have in their current roles, and then they’ll laugh and I’ll be forced to tell them about how famous I am and that they shouldn’t be laughing at someone who beat out Bob Roll as the person Bicycling readers would most like to ride with.

Concerns About Timothy Hutton

There is, however, a more important problem: Timothy Hutton. Yes, I know he’s won an Academy Award. The thing is, you and I both know that Bloggies are pretty much the Academy Awards of bloggers, and I’ve won four of them.

So I’m a little bit worried that when I show him how award-winning, popular, and beloved I am (I plan to bring printed proof that I’ve won these Bloggies, along with the actual Utah Social Media Award trophy, and probably a printout of my site user statistics. And maybe some items from my personal clothing line), he’ll be astonished at how accomplished I am, and that will hurt his feelings.

And I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Not if I can help it.

starcraft-star-stream-travel-trailer-2007.jpgPrivacy Requirements

Due to my rather exceptional status as a beloved internet cycling blogger celebrity superstar who is also going to be on TV, I think it would not be out of line for me to request a larger trailer than everyone else. In fact, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to have a larger trailer than everyone else put together.

This isn’t so much for me as it is for my bikes. I’ll be of course bringing my entire quiver of bikes. I just feel more comfortable around them. Besides, I’m sure the director will want to get multiple shots of my action scenes with me (or, sometimes, my stunt double) riding my different bikes, to see which one works best.

But also, I just like the idea of having a big trailer so I can take pictures of me in the entryway, and then tweet it (to my nearly 17,000 followers) with a caption, like “Me hanging out at the set, where I’m acting in a TV show. No big deal.”

I have a few more requirements I’d like to cover, but I’ll wait ’til you get these simple things out of the way before giving you your next group of tasks.

Again, I want to reassure you that I’m really enthused to be on Leverage, and am looking forward to really bringing the episode(s) I’m in to life!

Kind Regards,


The Fat Cyclist


  1. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 03.19.2012 | 6:13 am

    Seems perfectly reasonable to me…….

  2. Comment by Rich | 03.19.2012 | 6:48 am

    Oh absolutely!!

    Fatty, I hope you are planning to include your dietary specifications, including (but not limited to) a steady supply of eggs, avocado, and honey stingers. You might want to work this into your contract ahead of time (i’m assuming there will be a contract) so that they can’t try to swindle you out of the foods you require. You don’t want to be gassy on set. I don’t think.

  3. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.19.2012 | 7:29 am

    Agree with Doug and Rich makes some good suggestions. I wonder if those actors even understand the magnitude of the honor which is soon to be bestowed upon them.

  4. Comment by Papa Bear | 03.19.2012 | 7:58 am

    In truth, I would think you would want to hire a look-alike to use as a decoy when commuting between your trailer-mansion and the set. Have him take a very visible route while you travel more incognito. It’s the only safe way to travel.

  5. Comment by Cali_Lady | 03.19.2012 | 8:10 am

    Love it! Great post Fatty! I know you’ll be kind to Timothy Hutton and not hurt his feelings and stuff. You’ll make a great guest star! Woohoo!

  6. Comment by GenghisKhan | 03.19.2012 | 8:35 am

    @Papa Bear–Oh, that’s a good suggestion. I’m guessing Stanley Tucci would work, right?

  7. Comment by stu | 03.19.2012 | 9:30 am

    Also as you’re taking your full complement of bikes you’re going to need a team of cycle technicians on hand plus a couple of wardrobe assistants to deal with quick wardrobe changes as you’ll be wanting to make sure that you have the appropriate kit for each bike choice. I’m thinking that it may just be easier for them to come to you and film on location……..

  8. Comment by rich | 03.19.2012 | 9:47 am

    Great post! I think you’ll probably want to rope Twin Six into the deal as well. Maybe a stipend for custom designed fat cyclist jerseys to wear while on set?

  9. Comment by leroy | 03.19.2012 | 10:21 am

    My dog says he’ll volunteer his services as a wardrobe consultant.

    He’s been telling me for years that, by definition, my entire wardrobe malfunctions.

    I have no idea what he’s talking about.

  10. Comment by Fat Cathy | 03.19.2012 | 10:44 am

    Why am I thinking that Paul is seriously regretting his offer?

  11. Comment by Nic Grillo | 03.19.2012 | 10:52 am

    Why do you need a trailer? Aren’t they going to be helicoptering you in from your Presidential Suite at the Four Seasons?

  12. Comment by roan | 03.19.2012 | 11:05 am

    I’m sure that bringing your entire “quiver” of bikes has them shaking in their boots.
    And Fatty don’t forget, though the sun most likely will not be shining in Portland, you can not being seen standing at the entryway without sunglasses. You know the Fatty iconic sunglasses that were crushed last summer.
    Here’s an idea for a t-shirt design. “Stunt Double for Fatty Nelson, Leverage”.
    Maybe with the ‘Crash Test Dummy’ circles on each shoulder.

  13. Comment by AKChick55 | 03.19.2012 | 11:26 am

    So will Stanley Tucci be standing in as your body double for any nude scenes? ;)

  14. Comment by Heidi | 03.19.2012 | 11:26 am

    Oh Paul, lookit the can of worms you opened…

  15. Comment by Dave T | 03.19.2012 | 11:38 am

    I think you may be pushing it a bit you should offer to bring your own trailer. kvincyr-5_camperbikeride2.jpg

  16. Comment by RodNeeds2Ride | 03.19.2012 | 12:24 pm

    Fatty, you are being MORE THAN reasonable and, frankly, I think you’re taking it just a bit too easy on Mr. Guyot here. Hollywood is a dog-eat-dog world and these uppity production types need to know who’s boss so they don’t take you for granted! I mean, it’s not like there aren’t a vast array of other potentially lucrative offers out there asking, nay begging for your limited time and attention(span). We won’t even go into the offer on the table from Assos to become their next highly paid “Luxury body” model. I mean really guys, does “award winning” not mean anything anymore??? Stick it to ‘em Fatty!

  17. Comment by Bikemike | 03.19.2012 | 12:55 pm

    Are you at all familiar with the term “Cutting Room Floor?”

  18. Comment by Cali_Lady | 03.19.2012 | 2:03 pm

    You people are cracking me up!! The reader comments are just as funny as Fatty’s post!

  19. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 03.19.2012 | 10:02 pm

    Clothing for the other actors? Be still my beating heart!
    Is there a CHANCE we will see the entire Leverage Team in Fat Cyclist Jerseys?????

    I’m in for that raffle prize….signed of course.

  20. Comment by ChefJT | 03.19.2012 | 10:42 pm

    I’m wondering if that Tucci guy is available to stunt-double for you?

  21. Comment by Scott R | 03.19.2012 | 11:04 pm

    Were this a real conversation, I would say Fatty was trying to decline the opportunity without actually coming out and saying it :-)


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