A Note from Fatty: Just to make sure you don’t lose interest and fall asleep before you get to the end of this post, you should note that toward the bottom of this you’ll find a cool way to win a trip to the 2013 Levi’s Gran Fondo. So if you want to just get straight to the donating and potential winning, here are the links you need:
Sometimes, I really think I should just abandon social media altogether. I just don’t have a knack for it. I mean, I finally have time to catch up on the latest big stage races — Tour of Utah, Tour of Colorado (or, as it’s correctly titled, “The Super Duper Pro Wacka Wacka American Tour Challenge of Bravery and Stuff”) — and I notice that in spite of his advancing years (Fact: Levi Leipheimer is the first person in the world to concurrently hold a pro cyclist license and an AARP membership), Levi did pretty darned well.
So, being the kind of person I am, I decided to tweet a sincere and heartfelt congratulations to him, figuring that the person he has on staff who knows what the Internet is would read it to him, and then Levi might mail me a card and a $5.00 bill on my birthday.
But instead, the following happened. Read on, and find yourself as shocked and dismayed as I am:
You see what I mean? I go and try to be kind to a senior citizen, and suddenly I’m roped into racing him.
This puts me in an awkward position, because his AARP status notwithstanding, Levi is in fact a professional cyclist, while I am merely a hobbyist cyclist / beloved and award-winning blogger / highly-regarded IT analyst / reigning singlespeed champion of the Leadville 100 MTB race / father or stepfather to more kids than in the Brady Bunch.
Obviously, in order for the race to be fair, there needs to be a balancing effect applied to the rules.
Hence, I am pleased to announce the following:
Fatty VS Levi: The Race
On Friday, September 28 (the day before Levi’s GranFondo), at 2:00pm at the Finley Center in Santa Rosa, CA (corner of College Ave and Stony Point Road), Levi Leipheimer and I will engage in a three-lap race. Or it might possibly be five laps. Could be seven laps, too, I suppose. But four is right out.
Just Levi Leipheimer and me. Mano-a-mano, as it were.
In order to ensure that the bike race is fair to me, the race will have an eating component in it. Specifically, the race will — much like the Utah Tour de Donut — be a three-lap race, with an opportunity after the first and second lap for each participant to eat as many donuts as the participant chooses.
For each donut eaten, the participant will have a certain amount of time — to be determined on race day by BikeMonkey, and proportionate to the course distance — deducted from his total race time.
The person who finishes with the final adjusted course time wins.
[Note: In order for this race to be fair to Levi Leipheimer, racers may choose to substitute one of Dr. Lim's rice cakes for a donut. Or a bottle of Ensure. ]
What Is At Stake
If I win this race, Levi must do the following:
- Wear a propeller beanie for the rest of the Gran Fondo, including during the ride.
- During the live panel for The Levi Effect — which will be broadcast hither and yon for the whole world to see — say something along the lines of, “You’ll have to excuse me, I’m a little winded. I just got my ass handed to me in a bike race with Fatty of the awesome fatcyclist.com blog.”
- Consent to a live interview on the Fat Cyclist blog sometime during the year of 2013, discussing a topic of my choosing.
If — as remote as the possibility seems — Levi wins the race, I will do the following:
- Wear a jersey of Levi’s choosing during the Gran Fondo
- Submit to a painful and humiliating headlock and noogie
- Provide a commentary audio track for “The Levi Effect” video when it comes out
How You Can Get In On the Action
I suspect that practically everyone will agree that it is a foregone conclusion that I will win this race. Certainly, I am of that opinion myself.
However, I can imagine that some people might — whether it be because of naivete or simple foolishness — disagree.
People will therefore have the opportunity to put their money where their collective mouths are.
Two donation pages be set up at the Gran Fondo site:
For every $5.00 donated, each donor will win a chance at fabulous prizes, to be provided by BikeMonkey.
The Grand Prize shall be an all-expense paid trip for two to the 2013 (not the 2012, obviously, because it will be too late for that) Levi’s Gran Fondo, including registration in the ride, airfare, hotel, attendance at the VIP dinner, and the small-group ride with Levi. This prize will be given to a person drawn at random from the pool of people who donated to the winning racer.
The First Prize shall be two entries into the 2013 Gran Fondo, along with participation in the small-group ride with Levi. This prize will be given to a person drawn at random from the pool of people who donated to the winning racer.
Runner Up Prizes shall be drawn from both the pool of people who donated to the winning and losing racers, so that everyone will have a chance to win something, even if you did make the mistake of voting for Levi. Ha.
- A complete Gran Fondo kit
- Another complete Gran Fondo kit
- A Gran Fondo jersey, signed by Levi Leipheimer
- Yet another Gran Fondo jersey, also signed by Levi
- A Gran Fondo Specialized Propero II helmet
- Yep, another one of those Gran Fondo helmets just like the other one
- A Gran Fondo messenger bag
- Ditto on that previous one.
Where Does the Money Go?
100% of the money raised by your donations will be split between the following really great foundations:
- Forget Me Not Farms – Local farm for at-risk youth to connect with animals and nature in a therapeutic and healing way.
- VeloStreet – Dedicated to improving cycling resources in Sonoma County and throughout California
- Livestrong – Working to connect those living with cancer with medical, community and financial resources.
What If You Want To Watch The Race?
Frankly, this race is going to be a bit of a blowout. I really just don’t see how there’s any possible way Levi could beat me. But you know, it might be interesting to watch, just so you can see me absolutely and completely dominate this event.
So, if you’re gonna be in Santa Rosa on the 28th — like, if you’re going to be doing the Gran Fondo or you just happen to really like Santa Rosa because it’s a great town — you can come watch the race.
Where: Finley Center in Santa Rosa, CA (corner of College Ave and Stony Point Road)
When: Friday, September 28 (the day before Levi’s GranFondo), at 2:00pm
There will be schwag tossed out, there will be prizes (like maybe an opportunity to go to the premiere of The Levi Effect later that day), and there will be some very interesting opportunities for people who think they deserve a chance at this race. But you’ll need to bring your checkbook if you want to race. (All money will go to the charities listed above).
There will also be some very cool — and fast — surprise guests. I’ll say no more, for the time being.
Even though I want to, really bad.
And for those of you who can’t be there, I’ve asked the BikeMonkey folks to bring some video cameras to the race. We’ll put it on the blog sometime soon after. So you’ll get to see it.
As many times as you want.
PS: You should totally donate on my page, because I’m going to win, and you definitely want to be on the winning team.