A Note from Fatty: Before I begin, just a little housekeeping here. I am swamped with work and family stuff today, so don’t have time to give the race writeups — for the Leadman Tri and the Breck Epic — the attention they deserve. I think I’ll be able to get the Leadman Tri story up tomorrow; watch for it then. Watch for it, if you’d be so kind.
When I started this race against Levi Leipheimer — a mini-version of the Tour de Donut — I really expected it to just be me, Levi, and a chance to have some fun and raise some money for some really great causes.
It has since gotten way, way bigger than that.
At this point, it is now a team event, consisting of the following two teams:
Team Fatty will be made up of the following individuals, some of whom you may have heard of once or twice before:
Kristin Armstrong: Kristin Armstrong has two Olympic Gold Medals in the Time Trial (2008, 2012), three World Titles, five National Championships and countless other victories. The 2012 Olympic Games were the final races for Kristin, although her name will long live on in the record books as the most decorated female cyclist in US history.
Armstrong currently makes her home in Boise, Idaho with her husband, Joe Savola. Between her athletic career highlights spanning two decades and several sports, she also managed to succeed as a college graduate and a project manager at an ad agency. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree in sports physiology from the University of Idaho. Always one to give back to the sports that have given her such success, she is a dedicated swimming instructor and coach. She serves as an ambassador to the YMCA of Boise, and tries to provide support and inspiration to the millions of Americans who suffer from arthritis.
Kristin has made it clear she will not eat donuts as part of this event. Instead, she will eat Dr. Lim’s rice cakes. I am still working out how this will factor into my team’s strategy.
Tom Danielson: Tom is a kick-butt pro cyclist, riding for Team Garmin-Sharp-Barracuda. I could list his accomplishments, but it’s a lot easier to just link to them and then summarize: he’s ridiculously fast and wins a lot.
Tom was born in ‘78, making him the youngster in the team. It is my assumption that he will eat many donuts. In fact, it is my expectation that he will take inspiration from the wild abandon I intend to bring to the donut-eating portion of the donut-eating contest, and make it his personal mission to match me, donut-for-donut.
Or at least to surpass Levi Leipheimer in his donut-eating consumption. That shouldn’t be too hard, frankly, because Levi is getting on in years and is likely to get a stern warning from Odessa along the lines of, “Remember the last time you ate a dozen donuts and what all the extra expense with the plumbing that caused.”
Me: I am a beloved, award-winning celebrity cycling megastar blogger, and have demonstrated that I can, without trying particularly hard, put away ten donuts. My biggest concern about being on my own team is that, while eating all thes donuts, I will look over Kristin’s way and see the look of disappointment in her eyes, and that will spoil my appetite.
That said, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in this whole group who has any experience at all with a donut race. And I’ve podiumed, too.
Team Fatty’s average age is 39.6.
What Team Levi lacks in youth (average age: 42.6, three years older than the average age of Team Fatty), it more than makes up in thickness of hair.
Except, of course, on Levi’s part.
Here are the people on Levi’s Team:
Rebecca Rusch: Rebecca has won the Leadville Trail 100 four times in a row and is the current and former course record holder for the event (In 2012, she broke her own record).
In addition to three 24-hour solo mountain bike World Champion rainbow jerseys, Rusch is the current World Champion for Master’s XC mountain biking, the 2011 National XC single-speed champion, and a three-time national champion in 24-hour team mountain biking. She has won Idaho’s Short Track state championship (twice), and a Cyclocross state title.
An accomplished Nordic skier, she’s won the Masters Cross Country Skiing World Championship, in addition to taking the top prize at Raid Gauloises Adventure Racing World Championships.
She can also crush rock with her bare hands and punch holes through brick walls. When she was a teenager, she made trouble by pushing buildings over.
I fear Rebecca.
Patrick Dempsey: In addition to acting, Patrick Dempsey is an avid cyclist and in fact has his own cycling event: The Dempsey Challenge, an event to benefit the Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing.
It has also been noted, from time to time, that Patrick is a handsome man. As such, is Patrick willing to gorge on donuts in a manner that can only be described as grossly unattractive? I think not.
[A personal aside: My sister has been known to stalk Patrick. For this, I intend to apologize, but not 'til I get him to sign something for her (cheapest birthday present, ever!) ]
Levi Leipheimer: Levi Leipheimer is, quite simply, mean. He will do whatever is necessary to win, and that clearly includes eating more donuts than would be considered safe or sane.
Normally, this would be a cause for concern, but the reality is that there are some extenuating circumstances that make me worry much less. Specifically, I know that I can eat more donuts in two minutes than Levi can eat in a month.
In fact, for the hell of it, I just ate my own body weight in donuts. It was easy.
Meanwhile, note that all three of the teammates in Team Levi have their livelihoods depend — to one degree or another — on not packing on the pounds.
Feel Free to Speculate
So, who will win this contest? Frankly, I don’t think there’s any question. Team Fatty will win.
However, your opinion may vary. In which case, feel free to speculate in the comments.
Why? For two reasons:
- Because you could win some very cool schwag, or even a trip to Levi’s Gran Fondo next year. Read the details here.
- Because you’ll be contributing to three worthy charities: LiveStrong, VeloStreet, and Forget me Not Farms.
But seriously, it’s going to be a blowout.