03.4.2010 | 6:26 am
A Note from Fatty: In yesterday’s post, I neglected to mention that all the photos were taken by my awesomely talented professional photographer sister Kellene. Gee, I wonder if there were other things on my mind.
Another Note from Fatty: This post — and all the posts for the next few days — rescued from my old MSN Spaces Archive. Originally published a long time ago. When I lived in Washington.
Technically, I should never have ridden with Bob (no, not this Bob). I wasn’t even going in the same direction as he. We should have never crossed paths, much less ridden together.
Here’s what happened.
I was riding along 202 on my fixie—oh, how I love the Pista—planning to ride up to Snoqualmie Falls, then maybe continue on. Just see where the road takes me.
Then, as I went by Ames Lake Road, I looked to my left and saw another cyclist heading away.
“I know,” I thought to myself as I went by, “I’ll use him as a rabbit. It’ll be fun to catch someone while on my fixie.”
So I turned turned around, turned on to Ames Lake Road, and started cranking hard. It’s a twisty road, so I could no longer see him. I pushed hard, though, and before long could catch glimpses on the straightaway.
There was just one problem. Even though I was close to redline, I still wasn’t catching him. He was successfully holding me off, without even knowing I was there.
And then, fortune smiled on me. He pulled over to the side of the road.
“A flat,” I thought, and figured I’d offer him a tube or whatever he needed to get rolling again.
But no. As I got closer, I could see: he was just taking a call. So I nodded as I went by, trying to look casual. Then, as soon as I got past, I cranked it up again. Now I was the rabbit. I figured, though, that just as he had held me off, I should be able to hold him off.
I was not able to hold him off.
Conversational Tactics
“Is that a fixed gear bike?” Bob asked.
“Yes,” I said, proudly.
“You doing that for any reason?” Bob asked. This, of course, was a trick question. If I replied that I was doing it because I wanted to become a stronger rider with a smoother cadence, Bob would know that I was a serious rider, which would make his victory over me that much sweeter (for him, not for me).
“Nah, no reason,” I said. “I bought it because I wanted to try track racing, but it turns out that I just really love riding a fixed-gear bike. So I’m just cruising along.”
“Cool,” said Bob. “I’m doing a recovery ride today after a big sufferfest I did last weekend. Some friends and I did a 300-mile ride. Mind if I tool along with you?”
“Sounds great,” I said, backing my effort off ever-so-slightly, to prevent my heart from exploding.
We were on an empty country road, so we rode side-by-side. This meant conversation, and a chance for me to gain an oxygen advantage, by doing the following:
- Ask short questions that require long answers. “So, tell me about this big ride you did last weekend. Don’t leave out any details.”
- Parry questions back to the questioner. “Sure, I’m following the Giro whenever I get a moment, but I haven’t been able to track it for a few days. What’s been happening?”
- Play deaf. “You know, cars keep passing. Could you repeat everything you’ve said in the past 90 seconds?”
Riding Strategy
Since we had both identified that we were not going hard today, you would think that we wouldn’t have to go hard. However, the statement, “I’m taking it easy today” is really nothing more than a thinly-veiled offer to race. Here’s how I managed to stay with Bob:
- Half-wheel him. Drop behind just a little bit and catch a little draft, even though I’m technically riding beside him.
- Take advantage of quick dips. The nice thing about the ride we were on is that it rolls. Lots of quick ups and downs. A fixed gear bike is perfect for converting a quick downhill into a short blast of uphill power.
- When you’re about to blow, bow out. After about forty minutes of riding at what I would call a brutal pace and what he called a recover ride, I knew I was going to crack. I preferred this to be a private moment. So when we crossed highway 202 and he looked like he was going to go straight up to Issaquah-Fall City road, I turned right. “Good riding with you,” I said, and then really turned the cranks hard for 30 seconds as I went down highway 202.
And then, once I was sure he was out of sight, I felt free to softpedal the whole way home.
Comments (16)
03.3.2010 | 4:21 pm
A Note From Fatty: My sister Kellene is the photographer for all these photos.
Click any of the images for a larger version.
Comments (202)
03.2.2010 | 8:41 am
I have a lot of things to talk about today, but my availability to write is going to come in very small chunks. So, rather than wait ’til late in the day after I’ve written everything I want to — and all the information I need has come back to me), I’m going to just keep updating this post as I get a chance to add new stuff.
The Results of the “Help Fatty Help Kellene Help Dallas Get a Kidney” Contest
First, let’s get to the nitty-gritty: how much did we raise, and who won stuff? Well, there were 1,116 individual donations, raising $31,354. As usual, Fat Cyclist readers exceeded my expectations. Thank you.
I have sent out email to all the winners. As they reply, I will update this blog with their names. Until they reply, I will just note they haven’t responded, and will instead indicate the general area where they live. They have now all responded; be sure to read their comments.
The winners are:
- Trek Madone: Lisa G of California has checked in and says, “I didn’t donate for the bikes. We lost my grandmother almost 8 years ago. She had been on dialysis for 5 years and I know how hard that can be on a person. She was strong, but chose not to have a kidney transplant because the doctors said her kidneys would just start creating cysts again. I’m glad Dallas will get another chance at a transplant and I only wish I could have given more.” She also says that she doesn’t really need a bike, and so she is going to give the Trek Madone to . . . Kellene. That is cool beyond belief, and I know for sure Kellene will ride it with pride. Thank you, Lisa!
- Diamondback Sortie Black: Brian B of Indiana has checked in and says, “My teenage son has Crohn’s disease, so I am familiar with chronic health issues. My thoughts and prayers go out to Dallas.”
- Lemond Fillmore: Richard P of Colorado has checked in. Richard has actually donated product (boomerangs!) for other giveaways I’ve done, so I’m excited to see that he’s won something. Richard says, “I would be honored to accept the bike and I will ride it with pride. I wish all the best for Dallas. Please say high to Kellene and Dallas.”
- Troll House Cookies: Anne C of Denmark says, “I am pleased to have been a part of raising money to help Kellene help Dallas get a new kidney. Please keep us posted on your blog on how he is doing. Thanks so much for the cookies. I am sure they will bring a lot of joy. I will share them with my colleagues, otherwise my coach is not going to be happy with me, being an athlete I have to watch my diet.”
A Note from Kellene
Thank you times 1116 from the Mortensens! How do we express enough gratitude to all of you for that kind of generosity? We will start here…
We are so appreciative to you all. Each one. We know times are difficult for each of you in some way. Even so you took the time to comment, to donate and to send well wishes our way. The donations will help off load an enormous burden that we are facing once again. The day to day medical crisis that continues will be that much lighter as we know we are not completely sinking financially. A huge relief.
We hope as you have read our story that you will think about organ donation. Living or deceased. Please make sure someone knows that you would like to give that 2nd gift of life. It is an amazing gift. Just last month here in Grand Junction, CO, a gift like that was given. A good friend of ours needed a heart transplant — a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Another family here in Grand Junction suffered the loss of their high school son. To help with their loss they gave his heart to our dear friend. He will now live on for many more years as he has saved her life. His choice to donate, in fact, helped over 100 other individuals with transplant needs.
As for Dallas’ immediate future, he’s scheduled to have a peritoneal catheter installed tomorrow, so he can begin peritoneal dialysis. This is good because the hemo dialysis has been giving him stroke-like symptoms and a resting heart rate of 111. Within a few weeks he should be able to go to work again. He’s excited for that.
We are now in the process of giving our son another chance of living free from dialysis and such difficult medical needs. I, along with my sister and brother-in-law begin the testing process for kidney donation next Tuesday. We will keep you posted as to our progress.
Again, thank you from the Mortensens. We hope that each of you will find peace, good health and happiness each day. Thanks for bringing each of those into our lives.
Sincerely,
Kellene, Rocky and Dallas Mortensen
A Note About This Contest From Fatty
This has been a very different contest from the ones I’ve usually run on this blog. Sure, on the surface, it’s similar: one or more bikes being raffled off for a good cause.
But this time they were used bikes — one of them extremely used.
And this time, the prize you win won’t necessarily fit you.
And this time, the contest has been for one person, instead of for a foundation — a person you probably hadn’t even heard of before I mentioned him here.
Honestly, I do not know how I have stumbled onto the most generous readership on the Internet. But I have, and I appreciate you.
Again, thank you for helping my sister’s family.
What’s Coming Up
I believe I may have mentioned recently that I am getting married soon. At this point in time, “soon” means “tomorrow.” And then The Runner and I will be heading off for a little vacation, and I have promised to not bring a computer with me.
Those of you who know me will know that this is not a small thing I have promised.
However, I have already posted stuff, which should magically appear daily without my intervention. They’re all posts I’ve rescued from my MSN Spaces Archive. Unless you’ve been reading me for all of the past five years, I’ll wager that at least some of them are new to you.
I swear, there are a couple of them I don’t remember writing.
In other words, while I won’t be around, posts will continue to appear each weekday. And I’ll be back with fresh stuff a week from tomorrow.
Also, time permitting, I will post a photo from the wedding tomorrow — probably between the wedding itself and the family lunch afterward.
Comments (80)
03.1.2010 | 11:56 am
A Last-Day-to-Enter Note from Fatty: Tonight at midnight I’ll draw the winners for the “Help Me Help Kellene Help Dallas Get a Kidney” contest. So far, 1003 donations have been made, raising $27,672, which is remarkable. I’m hoping that we can bring that total to $30,000 tonight. For details on what you can win — a Trek Madone, a Diamondback Sortie Black, a Lemond Fillmore, or a Batch of Troll House Cookies – read here. Then click the button below to donate. Thanks!
In addition to being a beloved, award-winning Internet cycling celebrity blogger, I am quite humble. This, I believe, is (part of) why I am so vastly popular with — quite frankly — everyone.
And so I am — quite charmingly, I think you’ll agree — somewhat reticent to even point out that last night, for the third year in a row, I won the “Best Sports Blog” category in the 2010 Bloggies.
I am even more hesitant to note that I am the first person to ever win the Sports category three times, and don’t even get me started on whether anyone else has won it three consecutive years.
“Consecutive” is a fancy word for “in a row,” by the way. I’m happy to share this information, first because I have an awesome vocabulary, but also because I am a sharing person. Really, if there were a word that would best describe me, I’d say “unselfish and sharing” would be that word.
I think that when one wins a category three times, that blog — and really, the person who writes the blog — is given “Hall of Fame” status. But I haven’t really checked. Things like that aren’t important to me.
For the record — because I am scrupulously honest, as well as good-hearted and self-effacing — I took what I assume to be second place in the “Best Writing” and “Blog of the Year” categories, both behind Ree of The Pioneer Woman.
I let her win. She needs the traffic.
Everyone’s Acting All Weird
What I find really surprising is that everyone around me seems to have changed, literally overnight. Consider each of the following incidents, many of which have actually happened in much the way I hereby describe:
- My children still expect me to make their lunch for school. This morning when I got up, I expected that — as a show of respect for my increased celebritihood — my children would have made their own school lunches, or perhaps one of my people would have taken care of it for me. Strangely, neither of these things have happened. Even more strangely, I haven’t heard from “my people” at all. Where are they? Why haven’t they introduced themselves?
- The Runner still calls me “Fatty,” instead of “Hall-of-Famer.” I think she’s doing this to keep me grounded, but I think it’s pretty evident that I’m the most grounded person who has ever lived.
- When I went to the DMV to get my registration renewal today, the guy at the window totally acted like he didn’t recognize me. I of course knew better. He’s one of those people who likes to pretend that famous people are like everyone else. Whatever helps you sleep at night, buster.
- A complete stranger got all angry at me when I went straight to the front of the line at Wendy’s. Some people are so jealous of the perqs of fame. I’d ask other Sports Blog Hall of Famers for advice on how to handle this kind of situation…if there were any.
- People keep telling me I’ve changed. “Just two weeks ago, you were the most wonderful human being who has ever lived,” a number of people who read my blog have told me. “But now it is clear to me — by reading three minutes worth of text four days per week — that your personality has undergone a vast and fundamental change for the worse. You have become mean, egomaniacal, and very, very judgmental.” Which may in fact be true, but the truth is I’m a busy and important person, and people like me adhere to different standards. I’d apologize, but I feel I’m too important and busy to do so.
Perhaps weirdest of all, however, is the strange fact that in spite of my almost absurd number of accolades, I continue to make 3/4 minimum wage with this blog. Which is a shame, because — apart from the adoration from my public — I’m totally doing this for the money.
PS: Seriously, thanks to everyone who voted for me. That’s really really really nice of you.
Comments (66)
02.26.2010 | 10:21 am
(Click to view larger version)
Seriously, if you’re in the area, come on by Sunday, March 14, between 6 and 9 and say “Congrats, Fatty and The Runner.” Or words to that effect.
Give us a hug. Have some chips. And maybe we’ll bust out Rock Band, too. My Billy Idol impression is awesome.
PS: The “Help Fatty Help Kellene Help Dallas Get a Kidney” contest ends Monday. Get contest details here, and click the button below to donate.
Comments (172)
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