WADA Needs a Hero

11.19.2007 | 6:35 pm

Two Notes from Fatty: First, I’m going to have to beg for an extra day to do the math on who won the “Get a Grip” contest. Thank you in advance for cutting me the necessary quantity of slack.

Next, I’ve got a new article posted at BikeRadar.com. I want to point out that BikeRadar has been doing something incredibly cool with my articles for the last couple of installments: creating custom illustrations, instead of just going to the ol’ stock art well. You can read a teaser below, or jump to the whole article by clicking here.

WADA Needs a HeroIn the nick of time, a hero arose.
Early this week, John Fahey was selected by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) Foundation board to replace Dick Pound as its president. He managed to snag this plum job through the extremely savvy technique of being the only person the board had available to choose from.

Frankly, that seems just a little lazy of WADA. Couldn’t they have asked around a bit? Maybe put an ad in the paper or something like that?

No, of course that wouldn’t have worked. I mean, think about it. Ideally, this president needs to do the impossible: eliminate doping while restoring the public’s confidence in  the reputation of both professional cycling and WADA itself.

The fact is, the president of WADA needs to be more than just a mere mortal. This job requires a person with — let’s face it — super powers. And I’m afraid that, unless “Former Finance Minister for Australia” is just his mild-mannered alter-ego, John Fahey just doesn’t qualify.

Any of the following people, on the other hand, would have done nicely:

Wonder Woman: Let’s start with the most obvious candidate. Wonder Woman’s magic golden lasso forces whoever she’s lassoing to tell the truth. This would stop doping cold. Instead of endless blood and urine controls, you could just have Wonder Woman randomly lassoing racers at the start line and asking, “Have you ever doped?”

Not only would this be incredibly effective, it would be awesome pre-race entertainment.

Click here to continue reading “WADA Needs a Hero” at BikeRadar.com.

PS: What hero / villain would you choose as the next leader of WADA? Please post your choice in the comments section of my article at BikeRadar.


  1. Comment by spbarnes | 11.19.2007 | 7:01 pm

    I was thinking more along the lines of a super villain as the next head of WADA.
    It is obviously a mistake to try and get these bad boys to behave by showing
    them that they have been wrong and expect them to change. What we need is
    a more effective deterrent.

    Catwoman(Batman) is a good choice. She would be ineffectual, but would lounge around looking slinky – she would fit right in with the peleton – and say even cooler things than The Boy Wonder. Things like “PURRrrrrrfectly
    CATastrohic situation.”

    Or Lex Luthor (Superman).
    He would make short work of cyclists too meek to do anything bolder than
    cheat on blood tests.

    The Underminer (The Incredibles). Seen at the end of the movie. His
    statement “I am beneath you…and NOTHING is beneath ME!” pretty much
    tells you all you need to know about his tolerance for slackers.

    Even Ernst Stavro Blofeld (James Bond) would be a better choice than Fahey.

    Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
    Blofeld: No, Mister Bond. I expect you to DIE.

    I don’t see a lot of dopers under his regime.

    The one drawback is that none of these candidates has a really cartoonish name
    like Dick Pound.

    How about P. Galore (Bond again)? Lousy credentials for the main job,
    but what a name.

  2. Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 11.19.2007 | 8:23 pm

    He brought up P. Galore… Brilliant! I think we could go “The Crow” on the situation. Anyone remember when he pushed the smack out of the junkies veins? Huh, hmm? Yeah thats what Im talking about. He would just know and push it back out! Unless it was pills, OK flaw there. As far as super heros go… super heros would be far cooler vs super villains, I’m just saying.

  3. Comment by DNAtsol | 11.19.2007 | 8:54 pm

    Not to get too esoteric here, but what about my favorite comic superhero, the swamp thing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swamp_Thing. Affecting anything organic would really put a fright into any doper…. what the *ell is that thing growing out of my arm!!!!!! AWWWWWWWWWwwww Stop! stop! I admit I dope with steroids and blood homology just make it stop!

  4. Comment by Brie | 11.19.2007 | 10:22 pm

    John Fahey is really more well known back home as the former Premier of New South Wales and his dancing out of his seat when Sydney was awarded the Olympic Games for 2000. His role as the federal finance minister came and went without a whimper. I guess he puts down his role as the ‘face behind the Sydney Olympic bid’ as the only reason he is a good candidate for the role. I am sure that any Australian swimmer who comes under a drug cloud will be automatically cleared….well our prime minister stepped in when there was a report about Ian Thorpe’s suspect sample in Le Monde. I doubt he would have done the same thing for an Australian cyclist.

    As for a superhero to be the head of WADA – why not get one of the ‘ethnic’ superheroes that came out in the 60-70 – Black Vulcan is my choice, I mean a guy with an electric bolt replacing his legs – just imagine how fast he would get to the drug cheats! And the similar appearance to Ben Johnson, may help him with knowledge on the ‘inside’….The Native American Indian’s superpowers were only in ‘getting big’ – and that would be a cool party trick, not really a useful power to ‘clean up the sport’

  5. Comment by Kris | 11.19.2007 | 10:40 pm

    I don’t think Wonder Woman would work. Most accused pro cyclist claim they have no idea how the dope got in them, and maybe a few of them are actually telling the truth. Regardless, with Wonder Woman’s power to force the truth, the pros will be happily clueless how those needle marks keep appearing. Wonder Woman would then have to lasso everyone the pro came in contact with – might be a job too big for even a superhero.

    I hope this new WADA guy doesn’t shoot his mouth off like Dick Pound. While I appreciate Dick’s zeal, his accusations and insinuation without sufficient proof did a lot of damage to WADA’s image and credibility. The fight against doping has to fought with credible proof or it’s just a witch-hunt.

  6. Comment by Weean | 11.20.2007 | 12:23 am

    Uh, isn’t Robin dead?

  7. Comment by Mike Roadie | 11.20.2007 | 3:54 am


    Isn’t pro cycling, too?

  8. Comment by Anonymous | 11.20.2007 | 4:33 am

    i vote for pinky and the brain – the one is the brain and the other’s insane.

    Pinky would probably figure it all out and brain would ruin it… pretty much what is oging on now… someone has a “plan” and then it get’s screwed up.

    but seriously… i think the overall would be superman, he has xray vision and can see into bags cars etc for doping materials, and if he comes near doping materials (aka kryptonite) he freaks out so it would be so easy to find the guys.

  9. Comment by Little1 | 11.20.2007 | 4:33 am

    aaggghhh cleared my cache and forgot to put my “name”!

  10. Comment by Pammap | 11.20.2007 | 4:37 am

    I love the idea but it would be really hard to pick who would be the best candidate. I’m kind of liking the violent ones, like the Wolverine or the Hulk, because I’m really ticked that these idiots (dopers) are in the process of ruining a really great sport. Let their heads role.

    I don’t know much about X-Men and Wolverine but Hulk would be a good choice because, as Dr. David Banner, he brings other credible skills to the table.

    By the way, the custom graphics are awesome! I say that kind of makes you a big deal! And, people know you. Seriously, it’s very cool :) Great read.

  11. Comment by Den | 11.20.2007 | 5:08 am

    I can’t answer the question…

    I’m lost in the glorious thought of imagining Wonder Woman in tight spandex riding her invisible bicycle.

    Just one more thing to add to the list of things to be thankful for!


  12. Comment by Mocougfan | 11.20.2007 | 6:16 am

    I’d just threaten them that they might have to DRESS like a superhero. Seriously, the thought of wearing tights and skin tight shirts?!! They’d look rediculous. That should scare them out of doping.

    Er…maybe not.

  13. Comment by Sprocketboy | 11.20.2007 | 6:22 am

    Count Dracula seems like the obvious choice.

  14. Comment by KeepYerBag | 11.20.2007 | 7:27 am

    How about Robert Downey Jr?

  15. Comment by db | 11.20.2007 | 9:06 am

    I thought Dick Pound was a supervillain…

  16. Comment by bikemike | 11.20.2007 | 9:56 am

    Patrick Warburton, a.k.a. The Tick.
    all you need for power is “Drama Flakes” not drugs.


  17. Comment by belliott | 11.20.2007 | 10:06 am

    Oh, come on – a superhero to head the WADA? Don’t they already have enough credibility issues? I mean, how exactly do you think they get those physiques? Oh … cosmic rays. Right. Wasn’t that Floyd’s fifth explanation? The last thing we need is the head of the WADA being caught for steroid use.

  18. Comment by KT | 11.20.2007 | 11:02 am

    Hmmmm…. superhero as head of WADA. Interesting premise.

    I think it would be more appropriate to go with spbarnes’ suggestion regarding supervillians. I mean, isn’t that who is already heading WADA? Maybe we could get a BETTER supervillian.

    Oh shoot, I’m getting my acronyms screwed up. UCI is headed by supervillians.

    Wait. Maybe they BOTH are headed by supervillians, and that’s why the status quo doesn’t change?

    It explains a lot, though; I mean, supervillians always have stupid henchmen; WADA has the french lab. Viola!

  19. Comment by Mark W | 11.20.2007 | 12:12 pm

    Bravo Fatty. I enjoyed this post (and its associated comments) the most in my memory. Somehow the wonder woman imagery just got stuck in my head. :-)

  20. Comment by eunicesara | 11.20.2007 | 12:36 pm

    For superheros I say “The Shadow.” With his power to cloud minds he can be unseen while observing the clandestine scheming close-up, first hand, and then bring the dastardly drugged-peddlers to justice!
    In the meantime, what will they outlaw next? Santa’s “ho-ho-ho”, or his “jolly fat elf” physique with his “belly” that shakes like a “bowl full of jelly.” Carb-loading? Gatorade?
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  21. Comment by Jeremy | 11.20.2007 | 5:33 pm

    I am not big on pop ups, but I went to the Xbox thing. M u s t d o a s m a r k e t e r s s a y…..

  22. Comment by wheelman gaz | 11.20.2007 | 8:00 pm

    The reason John Fahey left without a whimper was the removal of a lung for cancer. Another survivor, what if Lance was still riding?

  23. Comment by mgr | 11.20.2007 | 8:29 pm

    Keith Richards. The press conferences would be something else.

  24. Pingback by RocBike.com | The RocBike Review » Links Of The Day: 20 November 2007 | 11.20.2007 | 9:09 pm

    [...] Fat Cyclist: WADA Needs a Hero [...]

  25. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 11.21.2007 | 4:36 am

    Being a public servant I would form a committee. Batman, Kenny, the Green Lantern, Silver Surfer, Al Maviva, FC and Sue (cos we love her) and Botched plus a few others. They could sit around have a good time vote and make a few democratic decisions and then Al doing his impersonation of the Thing (Fab 4) could just announce its clobberin time and go give some people a serious talking too.


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.