Mediating the Trek / Lemond Divorce

04.9.2008 | 3:00 pm

A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new article at BikeRadar today. You can read a snippet below, or click here to read the whole thing.

Dear Trek Bicycle Corporation and Mr. Greg Lemond,

You don’t need me to tell you that this is a difficult time in your lives. After being married for so long, separating is unbelievably difficult for all parties involved. You’re both feeling hurt, perhaps even betrayed. It’s natural that you would want to strike out at each other.

With this in mind, I would like to commend the two of you for coming to me for mediation, rather than settling this in divorce court. By doing this, you’re showing you’re willing to behave like adults and move on with your respective lives.

Having taken a look at what matters to each of you, I would like to propose the following as a first step in the negotiation process. If everyone is up front about what really matters to them, and is willing to make reasonable compromises, this negotiation can be equitable and relatively painless.

What Trek Gets

  1. Lance Armstrong’s Peace of Mind: First and foremost, Trek receives a guarantee that Mr. Lemond will never ever ever ever use any combination of the words "Lance," "Armstrong," or "dope" (or any of their synonyms) within three minutes of each other. Not in public. Not in private. Not by doing charades or meaningfully-raised eyebrows. From now on, in fact, Mr. Lemond promises to pretend he has simply never heard of Lance Armstrong, and will act pleasantly surprised to hear that another American has also won the Tour de France. If Mr. Lemond crosses this line even once, Trek may — at its own expense — use whatever combination of shock therapy, hypnotherapy and surgery it deems necessary to literally remove any recollection of Armstrong from Mr. Lemonds memory.

Click here to continue Reading "Mediating the Trek / Lemond Divorce" over at


Best Jersey Pocket Food Ever

04.8.2008 | 10:33 am

I want to start today’s post by stating that I do not report to Alex, a coworker of mine. He does not affect my salary, and he does not have the ability to fire me. He doesn’t have any sway over whether I ever get a raise or bonus.

So, now that I’ve established that I have no reason to brown-nose Alex, I would like to state, for the record, that he is a genius. Why would I make this bold — some would say "audacious," but I believe that this word has recently been trademarked — claim?

Because he has devised what I believe to be the best Jersey Pocket Food (JPF) that has ever been created.

JPF Qualifications
To be a true JPF, the item must — at a bare minimum — fit in a jersey pocket, and be food.

Simple enough, right?

Well, not so fast, Buster. It may not take much to be a JPF, but being a really great JPF requires so much more. Here are some of the attributes of a really great JPF:

  • Easily Edible: Simply being food is kind of a low bar to clear in a JPF. Even the original PowerBars are a JPF by this metric, albeit barely. Easily edible means that you can, while still riding, reach back into your pocket, get the JPF out, remove the packaging, chew and swallow, all while still breathing and hopefully without wrecking. By this more stringent metric, very few foods qualify as a good JPF.
  • Delicious: During a long ride, do you actually look forward to eating your JPF? Or does your stomach clench up and you find an excuse to go for another 20 minutes without eating? Your food is not a good JPF if you are reluctant to eat it.
  • Highly Available: Suppose you’re in Hurricane (pronounced "HURR-uh-kuhn), Utah, about to spend the day riding Gooseberry Mesa. You need to buy food at the teeny-tiny grocery store there. Will you be able to get your favorite JPF there?
  • Good Calorie Mix: Does your JPF have carbs, protein and fat? In other words, is it going to just power you for fifteen minutes, or does it have some legs to it?

Well, the JPF Alex suggested to me a couple of days is all of these. And it’s elegantly simple, too.

You’re probably wishing I’d just finally tell you what it is, aren’t you? Well, too bad. I’m not going to.

Just kidding.

The Ultimate JPF
I’m almost reluctant to reveal the ultimate JPF, because now that I know about it, it seems almost ridiculously obvious, like I should have been doing this all along.

But I haven’t been, and I’ll bet you haven’t been, either. So bear that in mind when I — finally — reveal that the ultimate JPF is:

Avocado, sliced onto and folded into a piece of white bread, kept in a sandwich bag.

You may be tempted to add condiments — mayo, etc. Don’t. You don’t need them, and condiments go bad fast.

Yes, that’s really all there is to it. Consider, though:

  • It’s easy to get to.
  • It’s easy to chew.
  • White bread holds together and kind of sticks to itself and the avocado, keeping all together.
  • It’s incredibly delicious, even after — no, make that especially after — riding for hours. I tested this last weekend.
  • It’s got carbs, the right kind of fat, and protein.
  • It’s delicious. In fact, it is widely known that the avocado is the most delicious food in the whole world.

I haven’t tried this on a 5+ hour ride yet, but I plan to this weekend. I can hardly wait.

Try it and let me know what you think. I’ll be happy to forward your praise along to Alex.

PS: Take a Survey, Help a Good Cause: A Fat Cyclist reader is conducting a survey about bike rack accessories. He’s said that he’ll donate $5.00 to the Lance Armstrong Foundation for every survey — up to 200 of them — Fat Cyclist readers do. I went ahead and took it, and found it pretty interesting. So why don’t you click here to take the survey? You’ll be helping a guy make a decision whether to go into business for himself, and you’ll be donating toward a good cause. Thanks!A big "Thank you" goes to everyone who’s taken the survey; more than 600 of you have taken the it, and he’s donated $1000 to the LAF. He got good data from his target demographic, you helped a guy with an interesting idea, and LAF got more money to help people with cancer.

What To Eat

04.7.2008 | 9:06 pm

Things you can find around the house that you can eat while on the bike

Dietary benefits

Wallet benefits

Cost over time: easily enough to buy a new bike, or to pick up a new habit, or to just buy more beer.

Grossout benefits

Oh, I Am So TOTALLY Going to Win This Race

04.6.2008 | 5:12 pm

I believe I have mentioned, once or twice, my most amazing superpower: the ability to eat, right after — or during — a ride. BotchedExperiment has in fact remarked upon this ability after I finished the Kokopelli Trail Race last year. While other people sat down and took timid sips of water, their digestive systems totally messed up, I plopped down in a lawnchair and asked — demanded — to be fed.

Sadly, this superpower does not manifest itself only after epic rides. This superpower is always present, always asserting itself. I love to eat. And eat and eat and eat.

And eat.

And that is why I am fully giddy at the prospect of the Inaugural Utah Tour de Donut, this July 12.

tourdedonutThe Idea
I love the idea of the Tour de Donut, because it is so incredibly biased. And for what I believe is the case for exactly the first time in my life, that bias is toward me.

Here’s how it works.

  1. You do three 7-mile road laps.
  2. In between laps one and two, and between laps two and three, you eat as many doughnuts as you  want. For each doughnut you eat, you get to subtract three minutes off your time.
    Note: Puking DQ’s you.

At the end of the race, multiply the number of doughnuts you ate times three minutes and subtract that from your total time.

To me, it seems totally possible for me to finish this race with a negative time. Sure, I realize that’s a lot of doughnuts (~23 – 28), but as I said, this is my superpower.

I am already thinking over my race strategy.

  • Equipment: For the first time in my life, I am seeing how a recumbent could be a really excellent ride choice, because I would be lying down while I ride. Considering the number of doughnuts I plan to eat, the hunched-over position required of a road bike seems suboptimal. We’re talking the difference between 20 doughnuts with a regular road bike versus 30 doughnuts with a recumbent. So: is there anyone willing to loan me a bent for a couple weeks? I promise to wash any sticky glaze, cream filling, and vomit off it afterward.
  • Doughnut Quantity: This will have to be a game-time decision, based on the kind of doughnuts they have at the venue. If they’re Krispy Kreme plain glazed doughnuts, I’m good for 30, no sweat. Those are nothing but air. However, if they bring cake-style doughnuts or krullers or jam-filled, though, my doughnut consumption is going to go way down. Fortunately for me, my decision making skills with regards to doughnut consumption are perfect for this event. To wit: I generally don’t ever know when to quit.
  • Day-Before Prep: The temptation for this kind of race would be to not eat the night before the race. As a lifelong glutton, however, I know this is a mistake. Countless times in my life, I have observed that after I have eaten heavily in the evening, I wake up hungry the next morning, my capacity greatly increased. I’m thinking the Carne Asada Burrito Grande at Mi Ranchito.

During the Race Itself
The key to this race is to never get above my aerobic threshold. That’s when your stomach seizes up. I’ll just stay in my ride-and-eat-all-day zone.

I will also use psychological tricks on my opponents, by visibly eating a Clif bar as I ride, for supplemental nourishment.

I will not drink any water at all when I am riding, since I will drink plenty of water between laps as I wash down doughnut after doughnut.

I am so going to clean up at the Utah Tour de Donut. Really, the only question is how badly I will beat everyone else.

PS: Congo, Caloi Rider, Jim Pettit, and Weann: Brad has declared you the winners of the CarboRocket Limerick Contest. Congratulations! Email me your shipping address and I’ll have Brad send you your prizes.

(Edited) Press Release: Tour of America Reschedules for 2009

04.3.2008 | 10:18 am

Dear Mr. Arokiasamy,

I just got what I assume is the first draft of your new press release; thanks for sending it my way.

I’ve got to say, Frank, this sucker needed work.

Luckily for you, I — in addition to being an Award Winning Blogger (2008 Weblog Award, “Best Sports Blog in the Whole World” Category) — have spent most of my career as an editor. As a favor to you, I’m sending you back your press release, edited for accuracy, honesty, and pragmatism.

Stuff I added is in red, stuff I deleted is in strikeout.

Kind Regards,

The Fat Cyclist



In an Effort to be Included on the UCI Calendar Re-Animate the Corpse of Its Completely Unrealistic Fantasy, Aqu, Inc. Reschedules Inaugural Tour of America Until 2009 to 2112

Pressing forward in the face of ridicule, eye-rolling, and general snorts and giggles, with route details and sponsorship agreements unwarranted bravado, Aqu also announces executive team is high on crack

LUMBERTON, N.C. – March 31, 2008 – Aqu, Inc., would-be organizers of The Tour of America (voted “least-likely to succeed” by its peers), a totally hypothetical multi-stage coast-to-coast professional bicycle road race, today announced rescheduling of the inaugural race until September 2009 or 2112, or when hell freezes over. Whichever comes first.

Since the original announcement of the Tour of America in September 2007, Aqu executives and staff members have met tried to meet with cities along the proposed route, potential sponsors and race teams. Unfortunately, not a single person has yet returned their calls. They have, however had success reaching, as well as staff members of USA Cycling and the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), the sport”s governing bodies. Specifically, they have reached the receptionist and night janitor, and are thoroughly looking forward to having lunch with them sometime in the next two years.

“After we announced the Tour of America last fall, we jokingly said we were going to do it hit the ground running to make the event happen in 2008,” said Frank Arokiasamy, Aqu”s president and would-be director of what would be called the Tour of America, if such a thing were to ever happen. “Everyone we have spoken with wants to see a ‘Tour de France-style” race here in the United We want to work with USA Cycling and UCI to establish this event as a compliment to the major international races, and at the same time not conflict with established races in the United States. Overall, we want to make sure the Tour of America strengthens the sport of cycling and the race calendar. In addition, potential sponsors and route cities have expressed strong support for a fall 2009 race laughs at us. I suspect this might be because we so far have not been able to get any teams to sign up, or any sponsors to sign up, or any cities to sign up. Other than that, things are going great.”

At this point, Arokiasamy began to weep.

Exact dates for the fall 2009 2112 — the first year at which this event could realistically happen — edition of the Tour of America has not been finalized, because climate change may have drastically altered the riding season by then, plus we’ll all be dead before it happens anyway. Tour of America staff are currently finalizing route details calling chambers of commerce all across America, trying to find out who the right guy is to ask if their bike race can take over their town for a day, hosting an event nobody’s ever heard of, sponsorship agreements (current sponsors include Peggy’s Bridal and Floral, All-A-Dollar, and Primal Jerseys) and proposed dates to comply with USA Cycling”s race application process. Once the application is submitted, USA Cycling will review it, find fault with it, demand a revised version submitted in triplicate, demand drug tests of every person who lives along the race route, send the proposal to committee, where it will sit for 104 years. At that point, an archaeologist will discover and submit the 2009 2112 Tour of America”s dates, along with all of the races on the national calendar, to the UCI for approval. UCI (also known as The Priests of the Temples of Syrinx) will then reject it without comment.

The Tour of America currently includes a staff of more than 25 people, including the following:

  • Tour Director and Sponsorship – Frank Arokiasamy
  • Race Director – Richard Dunn
  • Team Relations Director – Todd Nurnberger
  • City Relations Director – A.M. Noel
  • Events Director – Rachel Enter-Guzman
  • Volunteer Director – Rick Warren
  • Marketing Director – Brian Ispen
  • Merchandising Director – Auburn Collins
  • Snacks -  Elden Nelson
  • Public Relations – Dick Pound

For more biographical information about the above staff members, please visit the About Us page.

The 2009 Tour of America is also looking for volunteers to help with city and race coordination along the race route. For more information about volunteering, please visit the Volunteer page. Please. We’re begging.

Originally, we wanted The Tour of America will to be a 21-stage, 2,200 mile (more than 3,500 km) professional bicycle road race. Unfortunately, there’s no chance in the world that will happen, so we’re thinking maybe we’ll settle for a two-stage, 200-mile race. It will be the largest spectator event in the history of U.S. sports, traveling from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The event will include close to 200 riders (194.72 riders, to be precise), from 21 of the world’s elite cycling most imaginary teams in the world to participate and will boast a prize purse currently pegged at $10 million (in Monopoly money), the largest purse of any international cycling event. And hey, as long as we’re just making stuff up, let’s also say that everyone who participates gets a free pony.

On the first day of The Tour of America will start  the racers will ride around in a parking structure about twenty miles from in New York”s Central Park. On the next day, we’ll have them fly across the country and finish in the San Francisco Bay Area. (To see the complete schedule, please visit the Routes page. 

Until this venture by Aqu, all major international cycling races were held outside the U.S. Smaller stage races are currently held throughout the United States and draw respectable spectator crowds and provide significant economic impact to local communities. However, these races are geographically located within single states, while The Tour of America will span approximately 18 states and will travel through hundreds of towns and cities along the way. As such, the The 2009 Tour of America is expected to attract literally millions dozens of spectators along the 2,200-mile route.

Cities the racers will fly over along the race”s route include New York City, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Denver, Las Vegas, Sacramento, Napa, Santa Rosa and Palo Alto, to name a few. It will be totally awesome.l

For information about The Tour of America, please visit

About Aqu, Inc.
North Carolina-based Aqu, Inc. is the parent company of AquSports. Founded in July 2007 by Frank Arokiasamy, AquSports is dreams of one day being the producer and organizer of the 2009 Tour of America, a multi-stage, coast-to-coast, professional international bicycle road race. For more information about The Tour of America, please visit your happy place, where all daydreams come true.

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