Winners of the “Design Kenny’s Tattoo” Photoshop Contest

08.26.2008 | 8:26 am

Last week’s “Design Kenny’s Tattoo” Photoshop contest turned out great. Of course, the original intent — to help Kenny find a tattoo that he’d really like to have — went almost entirely ignored, but what do you expect when you ask for peoples’ opinions on a overweight cycling comedy blog?

So, here are some of my favorites.

Tyler: Helmet Tattoo
The award for best Photoshopping using MSPaint goes to Tyler, as does the award for most amazingly ridiculous idea. Tyler gets a tube of DZNuts as thanks for this inspired silliness.


Spiff: Cleat Tattoo
Spiff either didn’t have a photo editing program or just couldn’t be bothered, but he still had a terrific idea:

How ’bout Kenny gets the bottom of his feet tattooed with the image of eggbeater/candy cleats?

This tattoo’s great, because hardly anyone would ever see it. Which, now that I think of it, kind of defeats the whole purpose of getting a tattoo. I’m still gonna give Spiff a tube of DZNuts for his idea.

Kanyon Kris: Permanent Dog Tag
Kanyon Kris gets the award for most practical and useful idea, as well as for the nerdiest. Why not tattoo on your contact information, allergies, and other important medical info? ‘Course, you’ve got to go get some new work done anytime you change your address or phone number, but that shouldn’t be a problem. Kris, swing by my house and pick up your free box of Jelly Belly Sports Beans anytime (see how I just cleverly avoided having to pay postage on the heaviest prize in the list? I’m clever, aren’t I?).

200808260625.jpg 200808260625.jpg

Bitter (formerly known as Lissee): Saggy Baggy Kenny With a Chainring
Bitter gets the prize for taking me very literally. I posited that it would be funny to have a Photoshop of Kenny as an overweight old guy, and Bitter delivered, tossing in the now-ovalized chainring tattoo as a bonus.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here by any tattoo-getters: remember to account for droopage.

Bitter gets a DZNuts “Lube ‘em Or Lose ‘Em” t-shirt as his prize. You know, to cover up with.


NCCyclist4Fun: This Space for Rent
I think the idea of using your tattoos as a billboard is pure genius, and I hereby offer $100 to the first person who actually gets the Fat Cyclist Clydesdale logo as a tattoo. Feel free to use the original orange, or I’ll throw in an extra $50 if you go with pink.

Kudos to NCCyclist4Fun for thinking like a capitalist. You get a tube of DZNuts as your reward.


KeepYerBag: The Recumbent
As the undisputed winner of the “No way would Kenny ever actually get this tattoo, even at gunpoint” award, KeepYerBag gets the Men’s White Stitch Flexit Cap. I only wish I had a bag I could offer him.


Clay: General Brilliance
So there we all were, happily trying to Photoshop rudimentary tattoos onto Kenny, and then Clay swaggered in and mopped the place up with us.

I hardly ever actually laugh out loud when I’m sitting at the computer. But I did when I saw Clay’s “Bikini Sunburn Kenny” Photoshop work.


The whale tail is priceless.


And then, showing a flare for in-jokes, Clay gave Kenny a nice new pair of bibshorts and a Rock Racing tattoo.


Clay gets both a tube of DZNuts and a Lube ‘em or Lose ‘Em t-shirt. I don’t think anyone’s going to dispute that he deserves them.

Winners: email me with your address, and I’ll send your prizes out.

The Grand Prize: Unclaimed
Of course, Kenny was looking for a tattoo he would actually want, so nobody won the grand prize of $25 in photo processing and an autographed 8 x 10 glossy of Kenny sporting his tattoo.

I, however, came pretty darned close. I believe my entry was one of very few semi-serious ones entered.


Kenny likes my idea of a tire tread tattoo, but is thinking of it going up the back of both arms. He submits the following mockup:

my tat.jpg

Kenny says that if someone wants to come up with a more “tribal” tire tread (the pattern Kenny and I used in our images is from a scan of an old Continental Pro 1) pattern he likes, the grand prize offer still stands.

Congrats to the winners, and a big thanks to DZNuts and Jelly Belly Sports Beans for providing the prizes!


  1. Comment by Erik | 08.26.2008 | 8:37 am

    The whale tail could have been even better with some form of tramp stamp ink right above it.

  2. Comment by Jeremiah | 08.26.2008 | 8:40 am

    For the record I have an appointment to get an adaptation of the Clydesdale tattooed in late September. I will of course send pics.


  3. Comment by GroomPerro | 08.26.2008 | 9:03 am

    Building off of the tire tread theme, how about twisting the tread into the shape a DNA double helix? That simple change would convey how he is not just a cyclist but what a integral part cycling is in his life. It would still fit on the back of his arm or it could start there and wrap around. I would have attached a concept If I were more skilled in Photoshop.

  4. Comment by nccycling4fun | 08.26.2008 | 9:05 am

    I think clay’s photoshop work takes at least 2 for sure! Thanks for the good laugh all!

  5. Comment by Whumpus | 08.26.2008 | 9:08 am

    I designed this tire tread for an Adv. race logo I did last year:


    This tread is a good option too:

  6. Comment by M2 | 08.26.2008 | 9:09 am

    Fun stuff…

    On a serious note. Local news here in Tucson reported a wildfire burning in or near Corner Canyon, Draper, UT. Hope you’re all safe and sound.


  7. Comment by Paul | 08.26.2008 | 9:12 am

    Hmmm didn’t I post a “tribal” tire tread tattoo going up kenny’s back?

  8. Comment by Whumpus | 08.26.2008 | 9:21 am

    I just want to say that I am “genuflecting” before Clay over here. He is the photoshop master, truly worth of DZNuts.

  9. Comment by Emily | 08.26.2008 | 9:29 am

    For retro MTB style you would really have to go with two tread pattern tattoos– the Panaracer Smoke tread on the front of the upper arm and the Smoke Dart on the rear. Classic 90s style.

  10. Comment by Hamish A | 08.26.2008 | 9:41 am

    Fatty, have you got a high resolution (or at least bigger than the one at the top of the page) clydesdale? Not for the money but I think that would go perfectly with the stylized bear I’m getting on my right arm.

    Of course when my Girlfriend freaks out about the two animal tattoos I’m going to blame you and Kenny.

    Well done Clay, richly deserved win and thanks to Bitter for reminding me that I really need to renew my gym membership.

    WIN Susan!!!

  11. Comment by Sophia | 08.26.2008 | 9:51 am

    I’ve always enjoyed Bitter’s comments, and I loved old man Kenny (as well as all the others) but why did I always think Bitter was a woman? Am I wrong? Fatty’s use of “he” is confusing me.

  12. Comment by Anthony | 08.26.2008 | 9:51 am

    I think it would look better if it was on his back, sort of at an angle across one shoulder, with some skidding marks. Make it look like he got run over.

  13. Comment by KT | 08.26.2008 | 9:54 am

    Sophia, I’m with you, I thought Bitter (Lissee) was female.

    Bitter, if you’re not female, I apologize for mis-genderizing you in my head.

    Clay, congrats, I think, on the Dznuts and shirt. You deserve them. Not because you did something wrong, but because you made Fatty laugh out loud at his computer. Those tan lines!! Man!!

  14. Comment by KM | 08.26.2008 | 10:08 am

    That’s not old man Kenny…he’s just gone fully retro with a Biopace ring tattoo.

  15. Comment by KanyonKris | 08.26.2008 | 10:28 am

    I’m honored, and I like Sports Beans – glad my locality worked for me. I’ll swing by after work and pick them up.

    The inspiration for my design was Kenny’s bad luck with crashes this last year or so. When he broke his hip he was riding alone. I imagined someone stumbling upon an unconscious Kenny not knowing what to do – then they see the tattoo and have the info needed to get Kenny extricated and the proper medical attention (hopefully without an expensive ambulance ride, or Life Flight).

    Yes, nerdy, but I thought Kenny and those who are acquainted with his FORMER (right, Kenny?) misfortunes would find it humorous. Ride on, Kenny!

    (P.S. I vote for no tattoo. You’re ripped legs speak of your devotion to cycling loud and clear, you don’t need ink. Have you tried doodling on your skin with permanent markers?)

  16. Pingback by Project DevZone » Blog Archive » New post, new category, new results? | 08.26.2008 | 10:39 am

    [...] Winners of the “Design Kenny’s Tattoo” Photoshop Contest [...]

  17. Comment by Mike Roadie | 08.26.2008 | 11:21 am

    Whale tail….pure genius!!!!

  18. Comment by fatty | 08.26.2008 | 11:28 am

    bitter may in fact be a woman. i really don’t know; not sure why I assumed he (she?) is a man. Clear that up for us, wouldja Bitter?

  19. Comment by Ronster | 08.26.2008 | 11:46 am

    Personally, fatty…. I prefer your arm tattoo concept than the “up the back of both arms”. That just doesn’t look right.

  20. Comment by Chris in Portland | 08.26.2008 | 11:48 am


    If you check your emails, you will find that I sent the MSPaint of the helmet tattoo for Kenny. I put an entire 10 minutes into that picture so it would be a shame if the DZNuts went to the wrong person. In fact, given the price of DZNuts, that is probably the highest $/hour I have ever earned. Also, fixed gear season is fast approaching and that is just the time when my berries will appreciate the extra care.

    Once again thanks for the fun blog.

    Chris in Portland

  21. Comment by cyclostu | 08.26.2008 | 11:59 am

    If a tire tread is to be used, you have to go with the Tioga Psycho. Best all-around atb tire ever made. Period. And it would look sweet too. :)

    I also concur with Ronster and Fatty that the around the arm would look better than the tire “stripes” up the back of the arms. That just looks odd.

  22. Comment by Spiff | 08.26.2008 | 12:07 pm

    Um… do I have to grow a scary ’stache like Dave Z. for DZNuts to work? I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of commitment…

  23. Comment by Clay | 08.26.2008 | 12:15 pm

    Wow! I’m flattered by the kind words. Thanks, all!

    In truth, Fatty’s blog is like the Rosetta Stone of farking material.

    I think I’m going to put some of the DZNuts between the fingers on my mouse-hand … pretty sore from all that clicking and dragging.

  24. Comment by mupedalpusher | 08.26.2008 | 1:10 pm

    How about a simple line drawing of a Penny Farthing on his calf? With calves like his…should look pretty cool.

  25. Comment by I tri'd and quit | 08.26.2008 | 1:35 pm

    …And on a completely different subject, I have great news for you Fatty! Honey Bunches of Oats has come out with an All Bunches version of their cereal! I knew all along that other stuff in the box was just filler. I just didn’t know they could read my mind! You’ll have to re-consider your list of top cereals.

  26. Comment by Catri | 08.26.2008 | 3:43 pm

    Once again, I’m about to wet myself from laughing… the sunburn bikini option is both priceless and revolting!

    Thanks for the visuals- the whale tail has been forever burned onto my retinas.

  27. Comment by gwboivie | 08.26.2008 | 4:08 pm

    I have attached a copy of the perfect tread for Kenny’s tattoo, so enjoy.


  28. Comment by snobound | 08.26.2008 | 5:00 pm

    Hey, if Kenny gets the tread up the center of his back, neck and head it’ll look like a tricycle ran over him!

  29. Comment by Mike | 08.26.2008 | 5:17 pm

    I have no photoshop skills, and terrible timing, but here is my idea for a tattoo for kenny: calf tattoo, an open hand with a hammer below it, perhaps looking like it is rotating. “dropping the hammer” I will admit, it sounded cooler last night when I was slightly buzzed.

  30. Comment by Catri | 08.26.2008 | 5:54 pm

    Wow, something escaped me until just now… A misspelling on a tattoo trumps EVERYTHING else, regardless of how cool- for example, ‘Alergies’ rather than ‘Allergies’- it could become a trademark! Kenny, I’d gladly pay for your tattoo if you agreed to a deliberate misspelling!

    While I’m at it, where can I get the Hello Kitty tread? They would go GREAT with my Hello Kitty jersey and bib shorts…

  31. Comment by Aaron | 08.26.2008 | 7:36 pm

    I love the sunburned whale tail. Hilarious!

  32. Comment by Allen | 08.26.2008 | 8:21 pm

    I’m a clydesdale myself, and I’ve been jonesing seriously for some tattoo endorphins lately. A clydesdale on my leg… I could do that. Though sounds like I need to beat mid September to win the prize ;) Hehe.

  33. Comment by Lifesgreat | 08.26.2008 | 8:37 pm


    There you will find an assortment of tires.

  34. Comment by Laurie | 08.26.2008 | 9:33 pm

    Up both arms makes it look more like he’s into 4-wheeling. Looks wrong. One tread as if he got run over by a bike.

    Altho… the tricycle thing was pretty funny.

  35. Comment by Edie | 08.26.2008 | 10:02 pm

    Have to admit, I saw the website on a cyclist in Flagstaff in May and have been reading ever since. Had bad mamo, sono, and MRI later in May. BSGI in July and got all negs after surgery in July and was wondering what I could do to “cover” the scar. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before…..?
    Keep up the good work! Go Susan!

  36. Comment by Dobovedo | 08.26.2008 | 11:00 pm

    If you’re gonna do bike treads for a tat, how ’bout using glow in the dark ink and “borrowing” from Sweetskinz patterns?

    The “Rattleback” in particular comes to mind.

  37. Comment by Trapperdan | 08.27.2008 | 5:51 am

    I saw a guy at a local ride with a “LIVESTRONG” bracelet tattood around his bicep. I thought that was way cool.

    Go for it Kenny.

  38. Comment by Annie | 08.27.2008 | 6:27 am

    Great tattoo ideas!

    I just wanted to say thanks for pointing me toward the Jelly Belly sports beans! I am fortunate enough to have a Jelly Belly factory on my regular bike route and have been known to stop in the store every now and then to get recharged. But I never tried the sports beans. The other day I stopped in and they had boxes of the fruit punch (five bags per box!) on clearance for $2! I bought a couple, and they were great on my ride last weekend, so thanks for adding a new element to my bike rides. :)

  39. Comment by Mocougfan | 08.27.2008 | 9:06 am

    Seriously one of my favorite posts. Awesome work.

  40. Comment by formertdfan | 08.27.2008 | 8:21 pm

    great post! I also vote for the single arm tread ala fatty over the dual arm tread

  41. Comment by formertdfan | 08.27.2008 | 8:25 pm

    …. or maybe a tattoo of a tread around the waist for a “spare tire”

  42. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 08.28.2008 | 7:53 am

    Yay!!! :) Thanks. I’ve been off-line the past couple of days, sorry for not responding sooner.

    I forgot about the available T-shirts, and I was kind-of worrying that I’d get a prize. You see, I drank about a gallon of fruit punch once when I was 16 (non-alcoholic shot contest) was subsequently sick for about a day, then was nauseous for about 6 years every time I smell it. I can eat/drink things that are fruit punch flavored, but it still kind of makes me sick…..

    And er, um, since I AM a woman. *grin* and really don’t ride very much right now, I would have felt bad if depriving someone the use of DZNuts, who would appreciate it. A t-shirt will work just fine. I’ll let you know if I ever get up the guts to wear it outside.

    Kenny, I like the tire marks around your arm better than them going up your arm. Just my $.02.

    FYI – Here’s me in a self-portrait I did a few months ago.


  43. Comment by Rod Newbound, RN | 08.28.2008 | 6:56 pm

    Wow, some pretty creative people here. I was impressed with all, even though I’d never personally get a tattoo. (Although my wife jokingly suggested I start of group called Nurses on Harleys.)

    My personal favorite is Clay’s “Bikini Sunburn Kenny”

    Thanks for the smiles,

  44. Comment by Tailchaser | 08.30.2008 | 9:47 pm

    This space is *clearly* for rent. :-) Dig that awesome cycling tan, yo! Can’t even wear a t-shirt without looking funny around my neck…


    Win Susan!

  45. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » An Open Letter to Bryan Smith, Director of the Garmin-Chipotle Argyle Club | 01.12.2009 | 1:30 am

    [...] happen to know that my friend Kenny is still on the hunt for a good tattoo; maybe this would fill the bill. Here’s what I’ve got in [...]

  46. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Vote for My Friends, OK? | 01.7.2011 | 2:21 pm

    [...] Or there was the time when Kenny allowed himself to be the subject of a Photoshopping contest. [...]


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