Comedian Mastermind: The Best of, 2005-2007

10.30.2011 | 9:31 pm

You knew this was going to happen eventually, right?

I’ve been writing this blog for six and half years. During that time, I’ve written right around 1500 stories. Quite a few of those stories, alas, suck pretty bad.

Every so often, though, I’ve written a keeper. And just by the sheer force of odds, I was bound to eventually wind up with enough good stories to justify a printed collection of my good stuff.

Instead, though, I’ve decided to collect my absolute worst material, and make a book out of that.

Just kidding. I hope.

Anyway, check out the cover:


The title comes from the The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler, where he scolds me, “I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point.”

Clearly, as of yet, I have not.

What’s Inside

Comedian Mastermind is the best stuff I wrote in the early years of my blog (as well as quite a few of my best stories for and It’s full of fake news, how-tos, epic (and not so epic) rides, the best cake in the world, the Assos ad teardown, Dr. Lämmler’s reply, my best Lance Armstrong and Tour de France stuff, and a bunch of other stuff that doesn’t fit into categories very well.

But it’s not simply the blog, bound up in book form. No indeed.

For one thing, every story has a new introduction, giving extra context — the story behind the stories.

For another thing, I’ve gone annotation-crazy on this book; I’m pretty sure there’s not a single page in the book that’s not loaded with ridiculous new observations in the footnotes section.

For yet another thing, Comedian Mastermind is a big, thick book: it’s 6″ x 9″, and about 350 pages. I promise, you are going to be all set for excellent bathroom reading material for months (approximately three months, in fact, provided you read one entry per day).

For still yet another thing, this book has been edited, which means — for the first time ever — you’ll get to see what my stories are like when they’re not a rushed first draft.

And to top it all off, it’s got a foreword from every single member of The Core Team. That’s five forewords. How many books give you that? Just one — this one — that’s how many.

Want to see what Comedian Mastermind looks like on the inside? Click on the sample page thumbnails below:

sample-1.jpg sample-2.jpg sample-3.jpg

How Much Does Comedian Mastermind Cost?

The normal thing to do, when one writes a book, is to set a price. If people want the book, they come up with the money and they pay that price.

But I haven’t exactly done things the normal way, um, ever. So, how much this book costs is up to you. There are four different prices, to match four different groups:

  • The standard “I like Fatty” price ($19.95): This is the normal price for a book like this. If you pay this, you’re saying, “I like what Fatty writes, would enjoy a compilation of his best work, and am fine with paying a normal-book’s-worth of money for it.”
  • The “I Love Fatty” price ($29.95): If you’ve been reading my blog for a few years and have gotten more entertainment out of it than you get out of one normal-priced book, maybe you’d like to tip me an extra ten bucks. That would be awesome of you, and as a thank-you, I’ll autograph your copy of the book.
  • The “I REALLY Love Fatty” price ($39.95): If you’ve been with me right from the beginning, or have started believing me when I say I’m a beloved, award-winning, internet celebrity, you can pay double the normal price, which is like tipping me twenty bucks. If you do this, I’ll not only autograph the book, I’ll write a note in the book that you specify (good if you’re giving it as a gift), or I’ll make up something a little bit over-the-top for you.
  • The “I’m Nearly Broke” price ($9.95): If you’re hurting bad for money because you’re out of work or are a college student or you’ve donated all your discretionary money to the (seemingly thousands of) fundraisers I’ve done, get this version. I won’t make any money on copies I sell for this price, but that’s cool; I won’t lose any money on them either. And at some point, I think it might be valuable to me to be able to say, “I sold X thousand of my first self-published book” to someone, so you’re still doing something nice for me.

How Do You Order It, and When Will It Arrive?

Pre-order of Comedian Mastermind starts now, and ends November 10. At that point, I place the order, and then — once the books arrive at my house — start using child labor (specifically: a college student, two twins and a fifteen-year-old boy) to send your books out to you.

Your book will arrive on or before December 15 — in plenty of time for Christmas. Yep, that’s right, I’m urging you to give this book as a Christmas present. In fact, why don’t you give a copy of this book to every single person you know.

And that’s all there is to it. That’s not so bad, right?

What’s Next?

Comedian Mastermind is the first of a set of Best of books. How many will there be eventually? I don’t know; I guess it depends on how long I keep writing this blog. I’ve got two more outlined, so I hope to do at least that many.

I will tell you, though, that the next book in this set is going to be different than the others. While the other books in the series are just for fun, the second book will be titled Susan’s Battle, and will be a collection of all the stories I wrote about Susan’s fight with cancer, along with a lot of additional new stories, giving details that I didn’t give in the blog.

My hope is that the second book might be useful for people who are going through cancer, as well as for people who are taking care of a loved one with cancer..

Further, the second book will be a two-for-one deal. when you flip Susan’s Battle over, you’ll have the novel Susan was working on and nearly finished. For one thing, it’s a fun book and deserves to be read by more than just a few of Susan’s family members and friends. For another thing, I told Susan I’d get her book published.

I’ll be using the proceeds from both this first and second volume to fund my big dream: writing (and if necessary, publishing) The Cancer Caretaker’s Companion.

So, you remember when, last March, I wrote a post called “This is My Plan and This is What I Need“? Well, the plan is now in motion. And hopefully, I’ll be able to use the money and credibility the sale of a lot of books brings to get The Cancer Caretaker’s Companion the attention it needs.

Meanwhile, though: I’m proud of Comedian Mastermind. It’s a fun book, and all else aside I think you’ll get your money’s (however much it is) worth.

Even if the title does oversell itself just a touch.


  1. Comment by Paul Guyot | 10.30.2011 | 9:24 pm

    About freaking time.

  2. Comment by Zeeeter | 10.30.2011 | 9:30 pm

    What Paul said…

  3. Comment by Tonya | 10.30.2011 | 9:33 pm

    Just purchased. Congrats on finishing!

  4. Comment by Zeeeter | 10.30.2011 | 9:34 pm

    …and duly purchased. I guess this makes your book a first edition! Many congratulations on finally getting it into print and good luck on the next two.

  5. Comment by colorado mom | 10.30.2011 | 9:39 pm

    I am proud of you and of what you have determined to do especially since you are doing it So typical of you. Yep, I will get the autographed copy.

    Great, now I’m gonna have to think of something else to get you for Christmas. Pffff. – FC

  6. Comment by Rumpled | 10.30.2011 | 10:01 pm

    I was recently thinking you should make a compilation book of your blog.
    Great minds think alike.

  7. Comment by Joe | 10.30.2011 | 10:11 pm

    Any chance of a digital release for those of us who prefer to read on Kindle/Nook/etc?

  8. Comment by aussie kev | 10.30.2011 | 10:21 pm

    cant wait – and my note is —

    “The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it?”

    love it !!!

    that is a perfect note. I will do my best to write it with the appropriate level of self-righteous haughtiness and indignation. – FC

  9. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 10.30.2011 | 10:23 pm

    No Kindle, Fatty! An Old Fashion Book for Old Fashion People. No pie for Joe! (Wife#1 is berating me while I say this).

    And Fatty. Are you really going to charge your Mom for your book?

    Congrats on the book! How much to have the twins add some artwork to the inside cover?

    Interesting question. Maybe I should add an additional level for “drawing from the twins.” – FC

  10. Comment by Justin L. | 10.30.2011 | 10:34 pm

    This blog is my money pit. I am broke (Single income, 3 kids), so i was thinking of the broke version (Cause i am!!!!), but then i started thinking i want some signature and personal note, but then realized, I’m broke!!!!! But i couldn’t let you just break even, since you are my entertainment and weekly humor and MOTIVATION. Plus because of you i got a picture with lance, but not as cool as i thought, and i actually like my picture with you (Fatty) better. So i bought the standard version. Best i could do right now. You rock, looking forward to christmas. Looking forward to your future novels.

    Thanks Justin! But you know, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with buying the “I’m Nearly Broke” version. If I didn’t want people to use that option, I wouldn’t have put it there. – FC

  11. Comment by Dan O | 10.30.2011 | 11:02 pm

    Cool idea. Congrats on getting this together – hope you sell a bunch…

  12. Comment by Triflefat | 10.30.2011 | 11:34 pm

    Thanks Fatty.

    Count me in the “I REALLY love Fatty” camp.

    (So you really have two twins to help send out the books. Who’d have guessed?)

    See, that’s why it’s going to be awesome to have an editor for my book. – FC

  13. Comment by Cookster | 10.31.2011 | 3:44 am

    Book ordered and I await your witty and humourous comment.
    on a side note, are we allowed to tell people who didn’t order the 2011 FC kit what was written inside the back jersey pocket?

    Thanks! The pressure’s on now, I guess. And you’re totally welcome to reveal what’s on the inside of the jersey pocket. – FC

  14. Comment by Nancy_in_MN | 10.31.2011 | 5:08 am

    What a wonderful thing to awaken to on a Monday morning! I ordered two of the “I REALLY love Fatty” variety so that I can finally convince my troll of a brother that he needs to read your blog.

    Can’t wait for mid-December!

    You love me! You REALLY REALLY love me! Ha. – FC

  15. Comment by Ricardo | 10.31.2011 | 5:32 am

    Done! I’ve had cancer in my family, but never been the caretaker. I think that book will be very helpful, since in reality my mom was the caretaker of my aunt who fought cancer for several years, and this book wouldn’t have been a great help for her, who could not cope with the stress of being a caretaker and died of a massive heart attack before my aunt followed 4 months later. I wish you the best of luck in finishing this book, cause I know that a lot of people out there would not want to loose their loved ones to cancer, or stress for being caretakers.

  16. Comment by Ricardo | 10.31.2011 | 5:34 am

    Note on my comment – I wrote “the book wouldn’t have been a great help”, when in reality I meant that “It WOULD have been a great help”.

  17. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 10.31.2011 | 6:28 am

    Its officially on my Christmas wish list list. Had to put it there since I am taking the “new bike” off the list when I pick it up this week :D

  18. Comment by Mike z. | 10.31.2011 | 7:15 am

    There has to have been some thought and a resulting decision on an ebook version, let’s hear it!

  19. Comment by Rob Mance | 10.31.2011 | 7:17 am

    Ordered, can’t wait!!!!

  20. Comment by Jenni | 10.31.2011 | 7:18 am

    Congratulations Fatty!!

  21. Comment by Christina | 10.31.2011 | 7:20 am

    Do you have limits on what the note can read? Because it’s super enticing to have such a spectacular Leadville racer as yourself write something like, “I bow down in awesomeness to you, Christina.” Does that work?

    Congrats! I’m excited to read this one, but I think even more excited to see the next few.

    I would be more than happy to write that. – FC

  22. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 10.31.2011 | 9:00 am

    Hey Fatty! After the orders are in, please take a picture of the truck delivering the pallets of books to your driveway. That would truly show the scale of Fatty Awesomeness.

  23. Comment by cyclingjimbo | 10.31.2011 | 9:14 am

    Awesome plan, and eagerly awaiting the later efforts.

    Copies ordered for part of our Christmas planning, but I agree with Joe and Mike Z that an ebookversion will also be great. I would buy that one, too, because I travel a lot and my iPad is easier to carry than a bunch of books.

  24. Comment by Dave T | 10.31.2011 | 9:30 am

    Yes what Paul said. Order placed, I didn’t include a note just write something I know it will be good. Thank you. Dave

  25. Comment by AK Chick | 10.31.2011 | 10:18 am

    Yay! This is so awesome!!! Of course, the part about Susan brought tears to my eyes and then the ultimate goal, choked me up a bit.

    Wondering if I should wait to see what the twins or the 15 year old’s artwork might cost…I was thinking the autographed version, but for some twin’s or 15 year old artwork, might have to splurge.

    Agree with Justin L, this is def. my money pit. :) Totally worth it. (throwing in random thought here)I’m still bummed I didn’t get to meet you or the Hammer in Austin (cause I missed somehow, even though I’m a faithful reader that you wouldn’t be there this year). Meeting Chris Horner ALMOST made up for it, but not quite.

    Will have to order when I get home. I have a Barnes and Noble Nook, but would much rather have a hard copy to read and so you can autograph (and maybe the twins/15 year old can draw on the inside front cover). Isn’t the 15 year old the one that did the cool movies? Or is that the college student. I get the older two mixed up sometimes. :)

    Can’t wait for book number 2! Hurry! :)

  26. Comment by Corrine | 10.31.2011 | 10:25 am

    Just ordered one for me and 2 for my best biking buddies who only occasionally read your blog! Can’t wait to get them.

  27. Comment by John Umland | 10.31.2011 | 11:07 am

    Kindle version please
    the bookshelves are full and my dear wife has an embargo on books that i want to bring home…

  28. Comment by Evelin B - New Zealand | 10.31.2011 | 11:16 am

    Thanks so muc for doing this. Now I have sent the email to let my partner know what to tell people to get me for Christmas!!!! You are awesome and I thank you for all the smiles you bring to my face each and every day!!!!

  29. Comment by AngieG | 10.31.2011 | 11:37 am

    3 Christmas gifts down. One for my parents, one for my brother and one for my alter ego David. :-)

  30. Comment by South Fla Fatty Follower | 10.31.2011 | 12:58 pm

    Will order it today! Congrats on your achievement. I am about to do my first Half Ironman on 11/13, in part because of the motivation your blog has provided!

    I am curious though, why did you stop posting your weight after 6/30?

  31. Comment by bob | 10.31.2011 | 1:14 pm

    any shot an ebook of some sort- Kindle, PDF, etc…

  32. Comment by lowco2 | 10.31.2011 | 1:23 pm

    Based on the order I just placed, I guess I love Fatty. Just don’t tell my wife… Thank you for all you do. J

  33. Comment by Roger Whitney | 10.31.2011 | 2:33 pm

    I sure hope there is a smug picture of you on the back cover wearing a turtleneck and sportcoat….and holding a pipe

  34. Comment by KevinM_TN | 10.31.2011 | 3:40 pm

    Would love an ebook version for the Kindle …… Congratulations and I wish you much success …. Can not wait for the “Susan Book”!

  35. Comment by Nancy_in_MN | 10.31.2011 | 4:16 pm

    In my excited rush to put in an order before going to work this morning, I neglected to comment about how amazing I feel your plans for the next two books are. Who doesn’t love to laugh? It’s what brought me to your blog. But your heart and passion have kept me clicking my link to your blog… in a creepy 3x/day kind of way.

    I’m gonna be all over “Susan’s Battle” and that Caregiver’s guide!

  36. Comment by Wife# 1 | 10.31.2011 | 4:59 pm

    Hey Fatty, if I buy one for Chris Horner (as a thanks for signing my socks LOL), do you know where to ship it to him?

  37. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 10.31.2011 | 5:35 pm

    Hey Fatty! Wife#1 says her post above is only rhetorical until you can assure her you know how to ship to Mr. Horner. Apparently my assurances of your awesomeness are not enough. I pointed out with your past participation in Team RadioShack, and your 1500 twitter-heads, that his address is only a formality. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if he is scheduled to come by and help ship books as well. As for the salutation “Thanks for the Socks”

    And for those clamoring for an e-book, I can only say At it’s heart this is a ‘Daisy Dukes, Beer braised brats, Singlespeed, Guacamole, and PIE crowd. Simple.

  38. Comment by dan | 10.31.2011 | 7:17 pm

    Hey Fatty, good for you! You’ve provided me a lot of entertainment (and some sobering moments as well), happy to finally have the chance to buy a physical book.

    One thing: I don’t know if it will make a difference, but I’m happy to be lowest priority for shipping — I don’t care if I get my book before Christmas, ’cause I’m just buying it for me. So, when you’re overwhelmed with orders, please feel free to put mine at the bottom of the list for fulfillment. Not sure how slammed you’ll be, but maybe you should have a “Don’t need the book pre-holiday” option on the order form?

  39. Comment by RodNeeds2Ride | 10.31.2011 | 7:29 pm

    I’ll pop for one of the fully Fatty-customized ones!

    When considering the awesomeness between the covers, this book is a steal! Let’s go viral with this puppy!

  40. Comment by Ginger | 10.31.2011 | 7:31 pm

    Can I add to the list of Kindle please? If you don’t already know, Kindle can read PDF files so if you could sell PDFs through email, I could read in a big enough font to see without my glasses… :)

  41. Comment by Chris from DownUnder | 10.31.2011 | 8:37 pm

    Bought the expensive one, simply so I can lock you in with the follwoing note:-

    “I promise to have a fundraising/competition for people outside of the US and Canada, one exclusively for Australian readers in 2012. Cadell ROCKS!!!!!”

    Pu me down as pre-order for Susan’s book as well.

    Thanks Fatty

  42. Pingback by Fallen Murrietta cyclist identified, and a whole lot of mostly very non-scary post Halloween links « BikingInLA | 11.1.2011 | 12:58 am

    [...] why Congress is targeting bike funding; they’re not the only ones. Fat Cyclist offers a self-published best of. A bike means freedom on Chicago’s South Side; no different from L.A.’s Eastside or South L.A., [...]

  43. Comment by buckythedonkey | 11.1.2011 | 1:57 am

    What exciting news! Order in…

  44. Comment by Rob W | 11.1.2011 | 8:16 am

    Just read you post from earlier this year. did you ever partner up with Livestrong or others to help you with your book.. Caretaker ??

  45. Comment by ScottR | 11.1.2011 | 8:43 am

    Enjoying reading everyone’s planned notes – anyone going for “You can draft off my massive quads anytime”?

  46. Comment by Saso | 11.1.2011 | 1:17 pm

    I have been following this blog since, I guess, year 2003, when I stumbled upon some articles written for cyclingnews. This will be a perfect Christmas gift and introduction of the blog to two other people. Great job and thanks for all the years of fun and inspiration.

  47. Comment by Jenni | 11.1.2011 | 8:24 pm

    I am throwing my hat in the ring for an electronic version (or electronical if I want to talk all proper-like) of the book. Heck, I’d throw you $10 (because I’d unfortunately have to go for the broke version) just to email me the word document. No shipping, no printing charges. I don’t care that it be an official e-book.

    What say you?

  48. Comment by Chrisy | 11.2.2011 | 11:43 am

    Congratulations! I’ve been lousy at keeping up with the blogs I follow, so forgive my late appearance. I wrote a book, too, although not for the amazing reasons that you did. My husband, Chris, (you used to work with him at Burton Group) recently helped me Kindle-fy and Nook-ify mine. You’re likely to make more money per sale for your cause when you provide epub versions. No shipping costs for all of your out-of-country-ers! Congratulations, again. Very cool!

  49. Comment by Mario-SATX | 11.2.2011 | 3:51 pm


    Thanks for completing phase 1 of your plan. Looking forward to seeing all phases completed. I’m currently a full time student and unemployed (fists in the air – Khaaaaaaaannnnn!). Thank you for making this accessible to me.


  50. Comment by Claire | 11.2.2011 | 9:51 pm

    Definitely need to order one, especially if it has Phil Liggett getting fired, I think that’s still my favourite.

  51. Comment by Brandon | 11.2.2011 | 10:02 pm

    Just pulled the trigger. Can’t wait for my note. Congrats Fatty

  52. Comment by Tes | 11.3.2011 | 7:15 am


  53. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Buy My Book, Fight Cancer, Win a Dream Bike | 11.3.2011 | 9:53 am

    [...] designer to lay it out and create a cover for me, get a terrific editor to edit it for me, and I’ve got a book. (Click here to learn more about Comedian [...]

  54. Comment by Steven | 11.3.2011 | 10:59 am

    Just got the ‘I really love Fatty option’!

    Oh, and if the bike segment gets canned, The Swimmer is gonna kick your arse in the Tri! If it goes off as scheduled, I think you will win – but just barely!

  55. Comment by Tom's wife | 11.3.2011 | 8:07 pm

    I just bought my hubby the I Really Love Fatty version, but I didn’t see where to put notes about dedication. Duh, I’m sorry. Can someone contact me to straighten me out ?

    Surprise honey (I know you read this blog every day!)

  56. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Race Report: The Turkey “Tri” | 11.6.2011 | 10:44 am

    [...] from Fatty: I swear, today I’m not going to harangue you about pre-ordering my upcoming book: Comedian Mastermind: The Best of, 2005 – 2007. I’m not even going to spend a ton of time reminding you that if you buy a book, you’re [...]

  57. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » How To Ruin Someone’s Day | 11.8.2011 | 11:43 am

    [...] from Fatty: The Comedian Mastermind: Best of, 2005 – 2007 pre-order continues! Click here for details on the book, click here to learn about how you might win a dream bike or just order using the fancy [...]

  58. Comment by LeMyke | 11.8.2011 | 4:14 pm

    I’d like to vote for a Nook version. I’m looking forward to reading the accompanying comments and footnotes.

  59. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » I Can’t Even Count the Times… | 11.9.2011 | 1:12 pm

    [...] A Note from Fatty: Time’s running out to pre-order my forthcoming book, Comedian Mastermind: The Best of, 2005 – 2007. [...]

  60. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Grown-Up Problems Suck | 11.10.2011 | 11:17 am

    [...] you’re not sure what all those different prices are for, check out my original post on this book. It explains [...]

  61. Comment by Kyle (aka slowcyclist) | 11.10.2011 | 5:04 pm

    I just ordered the book. Hope you don’t mind that I just ordered the I like fatty standard edition but I decided I would buy this edition and make a donation to the large malamute rescue in Montana as well. As a fellow malamute owner I was sure you wouldn’t mind too much.

  62. Comment by Dave Hansen | 11.10.2011 | 10:44 pm

    Just ordered 6 books…i have to get one for me and then one each for each of my bros-in-law and my dad…thanks Fatty!

  63. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Buy My Book, Win a Book Signed by Team RadioShack, Help a Neighbor Kid Fight Cancer | 11.18.2011 | 9:48 am

    [...] been getting the house ramped up for shipping out the pre-orders for my first book: Comedian Mastermind: The Best of, 2005-2007. I’ve bought a label printer, and earlier this week I got all the mailer [...]

  64. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Canceled | 12.5.2011 | 12:50 pm

    [...] Book-Related Note from Fatty: If you haven’t ordered your copy of Comedian Mastermind yet, there’s still time, and I’ve still got copies. Get the details here, and order [...]

  65. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » The 2012 Plan, Part II | 12.15.2011 | 12:24 pm

    [...] My Book?” Note from Fatty : I’ll be sending out the last of the pre-ordered copies of Comedian Mastermind: The Best of, 2005-2007 , this Monday, which means I now have a pretty good idea of how many books I have left [...]


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