Story Problem

11.1.2011 | 5:24 pm

A Non-Book-Related Note from Fatty: Don’t worry, this whole post isn’t just about book stuff. Just stick with me for a few minutes while I take care of business.

201111011247.jpgA Book-Related Note from Fatty: First off, thanks to those of you who have bought a book (and extra thanks to those of you who have bought more than one!). I really appreciate it. This has been a lot of work, so I love seeing that folks are interested in owning a copy.

I have to say, though, I’m a little bit surprised at a couple things:

1. Not very many people have taken advantage of the “I’m Nearly Broke” option, where you can get a copy of this book for $9.95. I think maybe I made it seem like it’s an option you should take only as a last resort, like if you’re choosing between buying a book and paying the bills.

That’s not what I want at all.

The truth is, one of main things I want out of this first book is bragging rights. Specifically, I want to be able to say, “I sold thousands of books.”

So, if you’ve got $13 to spare (that’s how much the book will cost you after shipping) and you’d like to have this book, don’t be embarrassed to go with this bargain option. You’re still helping me accomplish an important step toward getting serious attention for my future projects.

2. Not very many people have taken advantage of the “Standard” price. I’m a little bit amazed at the fact that more people have paid the $39.95 price for this book than for the $19.95 price for it. That’s crazy-generous of you people. But don’t feel like you have to order one of the pricier versions of the book. As it’s easy to tell, this book is costing me about $10 per copy (between the book itself, shipping, and paying people who are helping me edit, design, and do layout for this book).

Which means that when you pay the $19.95 price, I’m clearing about $10 / copy. For books, that’s really, really good.

So, in short, if you’d like a copy of Comedian Mastermind — and I really hope you will want a copy, because honestly I’m pretty darned proud of it and think that if you like this blog you’ll really like this book — don’t feel pressured into buying the $30 or $40 version of the book.

I appreciate you taking the time and spending the money, no matter what.

But What About a Kindle Version?

Lots of people commented yesterday, wondering if there will be a Kindle version of Comedian MasterMind. The answer is, yes. But I’m not worrying about it until I get the paper version of the book out the door. My objective right now is to get the paper version finished and in everyone’s hands — with time to spare — before Christmas.

Once that’s done, I’ll learn how to Kindle-fy it, and maybe Nookitize it, too.

Story Problem

I’ve got a race this weekend. An important race.

It’s the…Turkey Triathlon.


Yes, really.

It’s a short little thing: 5K run, 10 mile road bike ride, and a 350 meter swim. In that order, which is kind of weird. And, as I have mentioned, this is a very important race.

A race I must win.

No, I’m saying I need to be the guy who beats everyone in this race. I couldn’t care less about whether some fast tri guy manages to clean my clock. In fact, I expect that to happen.

What matters is that I beat two particular people. These two:

IMG_1280 - Version 2.jpg

I think you’ve met the one on the left, though it’s possible you’ve never seen a photo of her on this site without glasses and either a helmet or a ponytail.

She is the woman known — and feared — far and wide as “The Hammer.”

The one on the right — who is actually not taller than the one on the left, but is wearing heels (The Hammer does not wear heels, ever, out of kindness to me) — is The Swimmer.

There’s definitely a “Like Mother, Like Daughter” thing going on with these two. Both are very beautiful, both are very strong athletes, and — most importantly — both of them have a decent chance at beating me in the Turkey Tri this weekend.

It’s been the topic of considerable discussion among the three of us for several months. To the point of this race being approximately three thousand times more important to me than when — as a joke, really — we signed up for the thing.

A good case can be made for why each of us might win. I shall now present those cases.

The Case for Fatty

Let’s start with me first. You all pretty much know my strengths and weaknesses, but let’s review:

  • Run: Thanks to The Hammer, I have made progress in running, to the point where I have gone from being a total non-runner to being a runner who can plod along slowly and clumsily for a great distance. For example, last Saturday The Hammer and I ran five miles before we ran a half marathon — in costume. Here we are:
    The problem — and this is strictly a problem for me, not for The Hammer — is that I am much, much slower of a runner than The Hammer. By the time we got to the last five miles of the half-marathon, she could no longer bear to go at my pace and shot forward, disappearing over the horizon within one minute. I am not exaggerating.
  • Bike: I am the fastest cyclist of the three of us.
  • Swim: In open-water swims (St. George Ironman, Ogden Xterra), I am a faster swimmer than The Hammer. In the pool, she is faster than I am. For the Turkey Tri, we will be in a pool.

Why I could win: I expect that I will drop behind The Swimmer and The Hammer in the run, but I expect to make a fast transition to the bike, thanks to my planned strategy of yanking off my running shoes, pulling on my biking shoes, and then quickly twisting the knobs on my high-zoot Boa Closure System.

Once on the bike, I hope to make up ground quickly, and then startle them both with a “Yawp!” as I ride by.

If I give it everything I’ve got, I will be so far ahead by the time we get to the swim that it won’t matter that I am slower in the pool than The Hammer, and much, much slower than The Swimmer.

The Case for The Swimmer

In addition to having youth on her side, The Swimmer is also strong in two sports. Here is why she might win:

  • Run: Over a short distance, during the couple of times she has run with The Hammer and me, The Swimmer has demonstrated that she is faster than either of us. And 5K is definitely a short distance. The Swimmer is very likely to finish this leg first.
  • Bike: The Swimmer will do a very fast transition because she will not be changing shoes; she does not ride clipless. However, that’s about as much as can be said for her on the bike. She needs to hope she makes enough time in the other two events that The Hammer and I don’t overwhelm her on the bike.
  • Swim: The Swimmer is not just a good swimmer, she’s on the varsity swim team. She’s a ridiculously good swimmer. If The Hammer and / or I have not finished at least 50% of the swim by the time The Swimmer gets in the pool, she is guaranteed to overtake us and win easily.

Why The Swimmer could win: While I am very strong in one event, The Swimmer is very strong in two events. All she has to do is limit her loss on the bike and she’s golden.

The Case for The Hammer

Behold The Mighty Hammer. Whereas I’m good at one event, and The Swimmer is good at two events, The Hammer is good at all three events. Here is why she might win:

  • Run: Before she was ever known as The Hammer, she was The Runner. And she still is. Think of “Hammer” as a superset of “Runner.” I think it’s likely The Hammer will either enter the transition area with, slightly behind, or slightly ahead of The Swimmer. Those two will be close.
  • Bike: The Hammer hangs with me, no problem, on the bike. Depending on how fast she is in the run, she’ll either finish with me or slightly ahead of me on the bike.
  • Swim: While she claims to be very non-competitive, The Hammer’s game face gives her away. When she races, she’s racing. If she gets in the water ahead of me — which is highly probable — she’ll finish ahead of me.

Why The Hammer could win: The fact that the Hammer is not the weakest in any of the events makes her a very strong candidate for winning the whole thing.

What’s At Stake?

You mean aside from bragging rights? Nothing. Nothing at all.

But when you think about it, are there many things in the world worth more than bragging rights?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Your Take

I am interested in your predictions for who will win, as well as your analysis of why. If you need additional details, please feel free to ask; if I have time, I’ll supply an answer.

I look forward to seeing who is right.

Update for Extra Credit

I just got an email from the organizers with this information:

The weather is not looking great for Saturday. In the ten years of the Turkey Tri’s existence, we have never had to make a course change. However, there’s a potential this year. The race will be modified to a run-swim, if the course is determined to be unsafe due to weather related issues. These modifications will be made to ensure the safety of our participants. We’re hoping to keep our streak alive by not having to change the course. Lets hope it stays dry.


So the extra credit question is:

If the course is in fact modified to eliminate the one part of the race I am good at, exactly how badly will I lose?


  1. Comment by roan | 11.1.2011 | 4:47 pm

    This is way too easy.
    Hammer to win.
    Swimmer to place.
    Fatty to SHOW.
    That about wraps up this race, sorry. It is just that 10 miles is not far enough to get the lead you would need to win.

    I did go for 3 of the budget priced books but as Christmas gifts.
    I’ve been trying to think up a truly inspirational note for you to write…pending.

  2. Comment by roan | 11.1.2011 | 4:55 pm

    AND in all fairness you should have Racer go over the Swimmer’s bike BEFORE the Trot. A mechanical would be totally unfair.
    But don’t be too surprised if The Swimmer arrived on race day trotting out a loaner steed from Racer.

  3. Comment by Erik | 11.1.2011 | 5:01 pm

    Why are you just called Fatty when The Hammer and The Swimmer and The IT Guy and The Twins all have “The”?

  4. Comment by Stephen G | 11.1.2011 | 5:08 pm

    Elden, it’s not about feeling pressured into buying the expensive version… I bought that version because I want to support someone who inspires me.

  5. Comment by Stephen G | 11.1.2011 | 5:17 pm

    Oh, and I second Roan’s vote.

  6. Comment by RodNeeds2Ride | 11.1.2011 | 5:55 pm

    The Fatty will win. Because The Fatty wills it.

    No serious, there’s not much chance you’re not getting smoked on this one – sorry!

  7. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 11.1.2011 | 6:15 pm

    Fatty, those ‘fans’ signing up for the leather bound, gold leafed version of your book are the same ones who check your site multiple times a day…we are not normal people.

    As for who will win? Fatty of course. We all remember that you almost t-boned(or was t-boned) by a car trying to win a Donut Race.(a charity race!!!)

    Kenny and I were hauling. I was pulling. We were coming to a left-hand turn in a four-way intersection.

    I was very nearly into the turn when I saw it: a minivan coming from our left side, going through and not slowing down. As far as it was concerned, it had no reason to; it had the right of way, we had the stop sign.

    Kenny yelled. I grabbed two handsful of brake. I saw the terrified face of the driver of the van as he went by, missing me by a foot or so.

    “I thought you were dead,” said Kenny.

    “Me too,” I said, and Kenny took his next turn pulling.

    You have no limits when you decide to compete.

  8. Comment by FAQinc | 11.1.2011 | 6:31 pm

    All I can say is incentives,

    If you are victorious think of how you will look at a dinner party ”I beat 2 girls last weekend(belly swinging ’round)”

    If any of them are victoriuous(which lets be honest is very probable) ”We defeated yet another male in our quest for world vagination(sorry to the PG-13 crowd)”

    In all honesty looking at it from the side neither bragging right would be very substantial in the social medium bordering on embarrassing really(yes you can use this as a just in case excuse).

    p.S. looking forward to the book release showing the world a physical manifestation of your work would take away the internet from internet celebrity.

  9. Comment by evil3 | 11.1.2011 | 6:44 pm

    I hate to say it, but the hammer will own you. However I will be rooting for the underdog known as fatty to win this thing.

    Also I know you can win this thing if you turn yourself inside out and treat this race as if this is your last race you will ever take part in (so give it your all so your legacy will live on forever).

  10. Comment by Fat Cathy | 11.1.2011 | 6:51 pm

    My vote goes to the Hammer. Unless you have a spectacular day on the bike, she is going to have enough time on you with the swim and the run to win. 10 miles just isn’t long enough to make up the time she is going to have on you from the run and the swim. You will crush the Swimmer on the bike though.

  11. Comment by JeffyJeff | 11.1.2011 | 7:11 pm

    It sounds suspiciously as though Fatty realized he would have an awful lot of personalized notes to write with all of those $39.95 copies being purchased… worried about hand cramps?

  12. Comment by Michael | 11.1.2011 | 7:55 pm

    FYI, Fatty, I’ve done a reverse tri before, and IT’S REALLY NOT PRETTY. The last discipline in a triathlon is ALWAYS the toughest. And when that last discipline is swimming and you’re not a natural born swimmer, hoo-ey, you’ll be begging to ride 8 seconds on a mean bull rather than do your last couple of laps.

    That said, let’s look at the probable time differences here: the 5k will take you what? 24 minutes at most? Then you get on the bike. Let’s say you’re pooped after the 5k and 10 miles on the bike takes you 30 minutes (20 mph). Then you jump in the pool feeling strong—until, that is, you realize you’re in a pool (see above). Let’s say the swim takes you 12 minutes, which is a distinct possibility. The bike leg is still 45% of the race duration for you and probably more for the swimmer, which means, mathematically speaking, you’re still in the race.

    In fact, I’d say that with the two “BIG climbs” (website description) on the bike course, the odds are in your favor. You just need … (insert calculator noises here) … a 7-minute lead over the swimmer and probably 3 minutes on the Hammer going into the swim, and voila—you win!

    Can you handle that? No pressure.

  13. Comment by Elizabeth | 11.1.2011 | 8:06 pm

    Team Fatty all the way! (People like me also root for Andy in the time trials so make of it what you will.) Sounds like you definitely have the most motivation to win. The Hammer and The Swimmer can always pull out the “I wasn’t really trying” lie, whereas you went public. Hope you make us proud, but no shame if The Hammer smokes you. Those two are absolutely stunning, by the way. Not to exclude you–the Stanley Tucci look totally works, too. Looking forward to an exciting recap of the race!

  14. Comment by Dan | 11.1.2011 | 8:17 pm

    As we learned here in St. Louis, even down to the last strike you can still pull it out and win the big one. Fatty for the win against the odds.

  15. Comment by AK_Chick | 11.1.2011 | 10:22 pm

    Hmmmm,tough decision, but my vote is for The Hammer. She is a rockstar (not that you aren’t or The Swimmer isn’t).

    How long do we have to preorder? I went A LOT overboard in Austin when it came to shopping so I’m a little broke, but I really want an autographed copy. :)

  16. Comment by roan | 11.1.2011 | 10:41 pm

    This is interesting, I tried to guess the time splits and transitions. Did my guess work, logged on and found that Michael did some calculations as well.
    I came up with a faster run time 20′+2′transition.
    Bike(bike I feel is a little slow for only 10 miles, should be faster than 22mph) but my initial calculation was 30′+4′ transition. Swim 9′. Winning time of 1hr 5min xxsec for The Runner, The Swimmer 1hr 6min <32sec. and Fatty 1hr 6min 32sec. The Swimmer passes Fatty in the pool with The Runner cheering both on for a win, win, win situation.

  17. Comment by zac_in_ak | 11.1.2011 | 11:45 pm

    Hmm I’m gonna have to say The Hammer will win it with You & The Swimmer duking it out for 2nd place….unless you dig deep for those worth their weight in gold bragging rights ;)

  18. Comment by Sandra | 11.2.2011 | 12:18 am

    As a past participant of the Turkey Tri, let me enlighten you on a few things:

    (a) if you have the option to pick up your packets the night before, do so. There are a lot of competitors and the majority of them show up the morning of and it gets crowded.

    (b) At the end of the run, you have to run around the track thing outside of the rec center and then into the transition area, don’t slow down when you see the rec center because you still have a half mile to go.

    (c) 400 South on the bike is BRUTAL. But, you can take it there. You’ll do two passes through and the majority of the crowd will at some point have to get off their bikes and walk them up. Keep this nugget to yourself and you’ll pass The Swimmer here.

    (d) There is a hill that you ride down by UVU that will net you some serious time provided you don’t crash.

    (e) I have never been more tired at a race than after the two reverse tris I’ve done. The pool is a 50 yard pool instead of the usual 25 yard pool that most rec centers/gyms have.

    (f) It is going to be unbelievably cold Saturday morning. Maybe you’ll be able to pull it off because neither of those ladies look like they have anything extra on them to keep themselves warm.

    I put my bets on you taking it from The Hammer on the second trip up 400 S. But it’s going to be close. Good luck!

  19. Comment by Jenn | 11.2.2011 | 12:48 am

    I’m going to say The Swimmer, if for no other reason than that nobody else is picking her. Beyond that, youth often prevails, plus she’s cute as a button and I like the idea of cute as a button being also fiercely competitive. On a side note – is that an ApresVelo tee on the runner? LOVE their stuff!

  20. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 11.2.2011 | 1:41 am

    Hand camps from signing will not be a problem. True Fatty’s are going for ‘The Twins’ artwork option.

    I’m troubled by the cop an prisoner attire for Fatty and The Hammer. If not for the fact that this has coincided with October 31st, I would definitely say it was TMI.

    Anyway Fatty would make a much better Doctor:26417334.jpg

  21. Comment by Cookster | 11.2.2011 | 2:47 am

    Can you add an element into the event where say you need to eat a couple of turkey legs during each transition? Could stack the odd back toward you.

  22. Comment by Russ | 11.2.2011 | 2:48 am

    First, the book is top on the wish list.

    Second, definitely Fatty in the race. Not because you’ll actually win, but I know egos are a fragile commodity.

    Last, ahem, Movember starts November 1st. That’s a mighty fine looking handlebar stash for late October.

  23. Comment by centurion | 11.2.2011 | 7:41 am

    Why do I think that on Monday, The Swimmer will be changed to The Hammer, Jr.?

  24. Comment by Dave | 11.2.2011 | 7:48 am

    Dude… your gonna get Girl’d… and posibly even Girl’ded (is that the plural of Girld?)… Sadly, with the full force of the theory of Relativity (that being the theory wherin it’s worse being beaten by a relative…)…

    Your only hope is to fake an injury or illness, or evoke the rule of the ‘true’ cyclist not partaking of a run/swim before/after cycling…

    Or you could just take your whuppin’ like a man…

  25. Comment by Clydesteve | 11.2.2011 | 7:51 am

    Fatty (close your eyes Lisa) don’t say “Yawp!” say: “Yar!” That is much more effective, and it ought to push you over the top on this one.

    Steve, in S. Korea, where they have not yet said Yar or Yawp to be, as far as I know.

  26. Comment by Sara | 11.2.2011 | 7:57 am

    I’m going to have to go with The Hammer on this one. Although I know The Fatty is extremely competitive, I get the sense that The Hammer is even more so. Being good all-round is going to be more important that being good in only one event.

    Here’s hoping you don’t drown! ;)

  27. Comment by Mike | 11.2.2011 | 8:09 am

    Some incentive for you ” Family bragging rights are Forever”

  28. Comment by ClydeinKS | 11.2.2011 | 8:23 am

    Fatty – thanks for thoughtful push to save funds stop the humbleness, you are worthy! I’ve been following religiously for the past 4-5months and glad to find I’m not the only one to check in 2-3 times in a day! I thought hard on the quote option but find there are inspiring words written each day, but I still needed the signed copy!
    I’ve been swam over, kicked, grabbed, etc in the open water – pull out all the stops for the sake of competition (as I’m sure the favor will be returned) Go Team Fatty/Hammer/Swimmer!! I predict a 3 way tie.

  29. Comment by Dan.weise | 11.2.2011 | 8:29 am

    First, I have to go with The Swimmer. She’s young and fresh and not worn out by a long season.

    Second, I don’t know why you are surprised by how many people are taking the “I Love Fatty,” or the “I REALLY Love Fatty” options. You are after all a bleoved internet celebrity and we all just want to express that love in a tangible way!

  30. Comment by Fuzz Martin | 11.2.2011 | 8:31 am

    I’m actually going to put my money on Fatty for this one. Literally. Win it, and I’ll buy a $39.95 copy of Comedian Mastermind.

    Since the 10-mile ride will be an all out sprint, I think Fatty will make up a few minutes over The Hammer and annihilate The Swimmer.

    Total tangent: I was able to take my first ride in my new Fat Cyclist jersey, yesterday. Granted, it was on a trainer, but it was glorious. Twin Six pretty much rules.

  31. Comment by Jolene | 11.2.2011 | 8:39 am

    It will probably be a close finish. I’ll have to go with The Hammer to win.

  32. Comment by Ferd Berfle | 11.2.2011 | 9:02 am

    Considering the fact that it will be snowing on Saturday, I’m afraid your advantage on the bike will be neutralized. You and the Hammer are both fierce competitors (and I’m assuming The Swimmer is also) but I’m going with The Hammer on this one.

  33. Comment by Heather | 11.2.2011 | 9:05 am

    Hmm…I would have to say The Swimmer. I think it will be close though!

  34. Comment by Mark in Ottawa | 11.2.2011 | 9:07 am

    My vote goes for The Hammer – she earned that nickname for a reason…she’ll put the hammer down, and unfortunately for any mere mortal, she’ll leave you in her dust.

    Hope you can make it close, Fatty!

    Mark (in Ottawa, Canada)

  35. Comment by Mark in Ottawa | 11.2.2011 | 9:09 am

    P.S. Great costumes for the 1/2 marathon! Loved that the cop beat the convict! Ha!

    Mark (in Ottawa, Canada)

  36. Comment by Geo | 11.2.2011 | 9:10 am

    I’m putting my money on Fatty — provided he sneaks into the transition area before the race and removes the pedals from the bikes of the other two.

    If he wants to play nice and not do this, I think the other two just may get him.

  37. Comment by Bike and the Fat Man | 11.2.2011 | 9:32 am

    The Swimmer all the way…With the distances of the run and bike…she will be able to hang on to the two of you and get into the pool with her best event as the last…the rest were just a warm up for her to plow through “FatHammer” (my attempt to make you and Hammer into Brad and Angelina)

  38. Comment by Beccles | 11.2.2011 | 9:33 am

    I’m going to have to go with the Hammer on this one. There is a primal instinct in all of us to not let our children beat us in anything for as long as we can hold out. With her competitiveness and obvious instinct to shut down the competition (hence why she is called “The Hammer”). I can’t see her giving in to her spawn!! There is much more at stake for her than bragging rights…it is the epic battle for the torch that inevitably passes from one generation to the next. The shear fact that you are monkey in the middle for this epic battle pretty much ensures that you’ll be in last place — sorry man!!

  39. Comment by MANTI | 11.2.2011 | 9:35 am

    I see you are already well on your way for MOVember!

  40. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 11.2.2011 | 9:39 am

    Fatty, I think this situation calls for a flat on the bike stage. You can’t win either way. If you win you beat a “girl” (and you have to live with her. If you loose you lost to a girl(s). Yup. Time for a flat. Its the only way to salvage any pride.

  41. Comment by Bernie | 11.2.2011 | 9:54 am

    My money’s on The Hammer by a mile!

  42. Comment by Tiffany | 11.2.2011 | 10:02 am

    That looks like a really fun tri! I can’t wait to read the race report!

  43. Comment by TheCheat | 11.2.2011 | 10:28 am

    Erik at 5:01 is right, the “The” is important.

    And, I vote for The Swimmer. Cuteness always wins.

  44. Comment by GJ Jackie | 11.2.2011 | 10:48 am

    Boy, Fatty, if they make it a eliminate the bike portion due to weather, you are toast. Swimmer will be rockin’ the podium if that happens.

  45. Comment by scott | 11.2.2011 | 10:49 am

    The Hammer, aka The Runner wins.
    Fatty takes 2nd given his ability to ride faster than the The Swimmer and his ability to spin versus just push on the bike.
    The Swimmer takes 3rd but spends the next year on the bike and running and dominates in 2012.

    Extra credit:
    The Swimmer takes all with a modified course. If she’s as strong in the pool as Fatty says, the other two have no shot.

  46. Comment by Janet B | 11.2.2011 | 10:51 am

    Either way you are going to lose.

  47. Comment by Kronda | 11.2.2011 | 11:04 am


    Maybe if you changed the option to something a little less soul crushing than “I’m nearly broke.” More people would choose that option.

    It’s clear you’re doing a great thing, but also practically requiring a self esteem hit in order for someone to choose it. Luckily I have great self esteem and college loans.

    How about “I love a good deal” instead?

  48. Comment by bacmapei | 11.2.2011 | 11:13 am

    I would like to share extra copies of the book, but I would like to share it with somebody who will really appreciate the gesture. I’d like to volunteer to play Santa to two U.S. residents who want a copy, but are even pushed by the “I’m Nearly Broke” price.
    I will place an order before next week’s deadline on behalf of the first two contacts. Please e-mail aburt AT mheng DOT ca with your name and mailing address. (Subject line: Comedian Mastermind will help me find your message faster)

  49. Comment by roan | 11.2.2011 | 11:19 am

    Whether or not the weather it would be close, with The Hammer winning.
    A change of the event field without the cycling, Fatty u r toast. AND The Swimmer wins.
    I’ll echo Scott with the idea of The Swimmer taking up cycling. NOW, how AWESOME this would be…Fatty, The Hammer plus The Swimmer and the IT Guy at Leadville, 2012. I would go to cheer y’all to a family victory of epic AWESOMENESS !

  50. Comment by NYCCarlos | 11.2.2011 | 11:33 am

    Lisa will crush everyone. duh.

  51. Comment by KanyonKris | 11.2.2011 | 11:34 am

    You can still win. Sabotage.

  52. Comment by Hammer/Lisa | 11.2.2011 | 11:43 am

    Wow, wow wow!!! If they remove the cycling component, I don’t think Elden or I have a chance!!! Please…pray for sunny skies or I will NEVER live this down!!!!

  53. Comment by Donnie Barnes | 11.2.2011 | 11:49 am

    What’s missing from all this is how Fatty plans to get in The Hammer and The Swimmer’s heads before the event (other than this insanely kind article, of course). Surely he’s got a play there?

  54. Comment by Mateo | 11.2.2011 | 11:54 am

    Fatty, The Hammer will, well…Hammer you. BTW, if you update her nom du guerre to simply “Thor”, you will save 5 keystrokes each time you refer to her and give her the god-like status that this comment population seems unified in bestowing upon her.

  55. Comment by Liz | 11.2.2011 | 12:00 pm

    I was going to suggest changing the competition to “Who Places Best in their Age Group in Their Least Dominant Event” to give Elden a hope, but if they drop the cycling . . . it’s not looking good, I’m afraid, no matter how you frame it.

    With Cycling: Lisa FTW
    Without Cycling: The Swimmer

  56. Comment by AK Chick | 11.2.2011 | 1:38 pm

    I don’t know if I missed the weather report or it was an update. I’m with Liz.

    With cycling = The Hammer
    Without cycling = The Swimmer
    With Sabotage = Fatty
    All three finish together = win!

    In any scenario, HAVE FUN!

    PS Those temps are looking A LOT like Alaska (well Anchorage anyway) temps. Weird since you are so much further south. Also, the East Coast and it looks like Denver all have more snow than we do in Anchorage too.

  57. Comment by Wife# 1 | 11.2.2011 | 1:40 pm

    I’m going with The Swimmer even if the bicycling leg gets put back, with The Hammer as the runner up.

    If this course was longer and harder, I’d give you the edge because you can suffer beautifully and it seems to bring out your best performances.

    This course is too short to maximize the awesome quads. ;-)

  58. Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 11.2.2011 | 1:46 pm

    No one seems to be focusing on the fact it’s going to be 36 degrees out. Why haven’t they canceled the whole thing? Who rides in those conditions?

    David in Marin

    Weather for San Anselmo, CA
    68°F | °C Wed Thu Fri Sat

    Wind: E at 10 mph
    Humidity: 17%

  59. Comment by Jerry | 11.2.2011 | 2:12 pm

    I see The Swimmer on top of the podium with The Hammer in second. As a bonus The Swimmer will have “THE” Fatty in a Levi L. sytle headlock !

  60. Comment by Fat Cathy | 11.2.2011 | 2:42 pm

    “If the course is in fact modified to eliminate the one part of the race I am good at, exactly how badly will I lose?”

    You would lose so badly that you will never be able to raise your head in their presence again. But the Hammer will be toast too, so at least you will have company.

  61. Comment by Saso | 11.2.2011 | 2:48 pm

    I have actually done some math on this. In case all three disciplines are on the program, I assume you will win in the time of about 55 min. with about 2 minutes advantage over The Runner and 7 minutes over The Swimmer. In case of run-swim duathlon, I presume you will be the last with 5-6 min. loss on The Swimmer, who will win.

    Now I am curious.

  62. Comment by Saso | 11.2.2011 | 2:54 pm

    OK, I have looked at the course and correct my prediction on your winning time to 1:05. But I stick to my other predictions.

  63. Comment by Cali_Lady | 11.2.2011 | 2:59 pm

    I’m sorry Fatty, but the ladies are going to take you down! :-) But don’t feel too bad, you still have the best looking quads!

    Looking foward to seeing some pictures from the event!

  64. Comment by Michael | 11.2.2011 | 7:31 pm

    Without the bike? The swimmer will whoop you by a mere 9 or 10 minutes. Good luck with your first aquathlon, eh?

  65. Comment by Corrine | 11.2.2011 | 11:46 pm

    With biking – The Hammer
    Without biking – The Swimmer
    Sorry Fatty!
    What kind of wimps are you guys down there? It was -10F in Fairbanks this morning and I saw people out biking to work! Not me, of course, I went skiing instead.

  66. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 11.3.2011 | 6:12 am

    Well there goes my plan (i.e. flatting and not being able to finish). OK this is going to be a bit more embarrassing for you, but your only choice now is to drown in the pool and be rescued by the life guard. Sorry.

  67. Comment by Andy | 11.3.2011 | 6:41 am


    Nookitize the book and I’m 100% in.

  68. Comment by roan | 11.3.2011 | 9:56 am

    Borrowing from Doug (Way upstate NY){interesting separation there but totally understandable}.
    Both The Runner & The Swimmer have finished they are cheering you. As you slowly extract yourself from the pool they extend hands to help. Then simultaneously thump you in the chest and announce “One more length of the pool” as they pull you in with them.

  69. Comment by John A | 11.3.2011 | 3:10 pm

    I will go with the Swimmer for a couple of reasons. Biking the easiest of the three to do well even if you aren’t used to it, as long as you are in shape…. and she is. Second, I think she is probably much, much, much faster than Fatty and the Hammer at the run and the swim. You have already noted she has shown to be faster at the run. But, she is young and probably being nice and respectful and could actually be destroying the oldies.

  70. Comment by zac_in_ak | 11.7.2011 | 12:33 am

    with the weather factor if hey change to run swim with no bike Hammer and Swimmer will duke it out and Fatty never living it down to be beat so bad by the gurls

  71. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Race Report: The Turkey “Tri” | 11.8.2011 | 11:44 am

    [...] week, I made it pretty darned clear that the Turkey Tri mattered, mostly because it was genuinely difficult to figure out who would [...]


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.