A Note from Fatty: It occurs to me that I am not accused of selling out very often enough. This is clearly an indicator that I need to step up my efforts, or I’m never going to be able to sell this blog for millions of dollars, or even hire some lackey (Dug, probably) to write my entries for me while I spend more time in with my true passion and life’s work: mashed potatoes.
To rectify this problem, I have written the following letter to Travis Ott, Brand Manager of Fisher and Lemond Bikes. I will be interested in his response, which — with his permission — I will publish.
If you can think of other companies and people I should send letters to, please let me know in the comments section.
Another Note from Fatty: Don’t forget to sign up for next week’s weight-loss competition.
Dear Mr. Ott,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Elden Nelson, better known by my very famous and important blog, The Fat Cyclist (www.fatcyclist.com). It would be inaccurate of me to say that millions of people come to my site each day, but it would also be inaccurate to say that mere hundreds visit my site each day. Let us then agree upon “thousands upon thousands” as the number of people who visit my site each day, and speak of it no more.
Unless you want to see charts and stuff. Oh yes, I have charts.
I am also a big fan — and owner — of the very bike brands you represent. I have owned a Paragon (the old 26″ kind) and a Sugar, and currently own a Paragon 29er, a Rig, and a Fillmore.
It’s almost like we were made for each other, Travis.
But this letter is not simply an introduction and pronouncement of loyalty and love, Travis (I hope it’s OK for me to call you Travis). Oh no. It is so much more than that. It is also, to be precise, a proposal.
Wait. Don’t walk away. I am not asking for sponsorship, nor for something as crass as advertising. For one thing, I’m far too slow to be sponsored, and I am far too proud a man to beg for advertising.
No, what I propose, Travis, is a partnership. An equitable trade where no money is exchanged, but where we both benefit. Hopefully in a non-traceable manner, so I don’t have to report it on my income tax returns.
But I digress.
I propose the following terms for our partnership:
What I Will Do For You
- Editorial Mentions Galore: I will find an absurd number of reasons to talk about your bikes. I will praise them in an intelligent, yet slavish manner.
- Your Ad Here: I will place an ad of your choice in a prominent spot on my blog. Your sales will go through the roof and you will be praised as a genius.
- Enforcement: Any time I pass a cyclist not on a Gary Fisher bike when I pass, I will scoff at and otherwise belittle that rider. If the rider I pass is both male andsmaller than I am, I will then push him over.
- Photography: I will post lots of pictures of my very sexy bikes. Furthermore, I will post these pictures with my good-looking friends by them, so as to not sour the experience for my readers.
What You Will Do For Me
- The Obvious: I desperately want a Gary Fisher Superfly. I promise you that your web traffic to your Superfly page has surged dramatically, by my mere mention of the bike. Imagine — if you can — the crazy amounts of attention I will slather on this bike once I own one. Give me a Superfly and I’m yours forever.
- Something for My Readers: In addition to being a famous and important blogger (some would say the most famous and most important, but I prefer to not quibble), I am also generous. I would like you to provide an assortment of hats, helmets, parts, and other bicycle-related goodness to give to my readers as contest giveaways. You should also consider giving away a bike, because that would make people’s eyes bug out at what a great company you are. But don’t give my readers as nice of a bike as you’re giving me.
- Punch Brent Hulme Hard on the Arm: The next time you see Brent Hulme (the Fisher / Lemond rep for this region), you will punch him hard on the arm and say, “That’s from Fatty.” I include this item, incidentally, for you to negotiate away, so you can feel like you came out the winner in this exchange.
- An Interview with Gary: I want to have a Q&A session with Gary Fisher, for publication in this blog. Or, if you like, it can be with another person, but he has to at least pretend to be Gary.
I think I have made a compelling case, Travis. I look forward to our partnership, as I’m sure you do as well.
The Fat Cyclist