I Am So Excited To Be A Television Star

03.19.2012 | 1:00 am

A Note From Fatty About Today’s Post: Last week, I wrote to Paul Guyot, a writer / producer for the awesome TV show, Leverage, about some terrific ideas I had for the show. He was kind enough, the next day, to write me back.

This, naturally, got me thinking about ways I can help this show even more. I present them now to both you and Paul, in the form of this very helpful open letter.

Dear Paul,

Thanks very much for your letter. I appreciate the spirit in which I assume it was given. Although, frankly, some of the details were a little confusing to me. I’m sure my agent will explain them to me, though.

Which reminds me: do you have a good recommendation for an actors’ agent? I figure I should probably get one if I’m going to start being on TV a lot.

Until I get that agent, though, I wanted to follow up with you regarding a number of personnel issues concerning my upcoming role on Leverage.

201203181750.jpgConcerns About Fans

As you are no doubt aware, Paul, I am quite famous. For example, I have won four Bloggies — one of them the coveted Livetime Achievement award! I have been featured in Bicycling Magazine so many times it’s difficult to count. I have been on a radio program.

I have even been the recipient of the “Best Blog” award at the Utah Social Media Awards program.

Because of such widespread, massive exposure, I have found it increasingly disconcerting to appear in public, where I am as likely as not to be accosted by fans, some who inevitably want an autograph, a photo, a discount rate on advertising on my blog, weight loss tips, or — weirdly — all of the above.

And while I love each and every one of my fans (and know most of them by name, because I’m that kind of guy), I’m afraid that while I’m “on set” at Leverage, this may become distracting.

Therefore, I’d appreciate it if you’d step up security while I’m there, so that I can focus on bringing the truly brilliant acting job I know I am capable of, without distraction.

Concerns About Actors

Now Paul, I don’t know how to state this next requirement without it seeming rude, so I hope you’ll take it in the spirit it is meant (i.e., not a rude spirit): this attention to security and my personal space does not extend merely to the public in general.

Specifically, I need to ask you to notify the other actors (i.e., “the cast”) on the show to refrain from approaching me or making eye contact, except for when we are rehearsing or being taped.

If I would like to speak with one of the cast, my personal assistant (I’m assuming you’ll provide me with a personal assistant) will notify them that they are allowed to approach me.

Partially, this is to help me with a problem I have: I can’t remember the other actors’ real names. I’m almost certain I’ll call them by the names they have in their current roles, and then they’ll laugh and I’ll be forced to tell them about how famous I am and that they shouldn’t be laughing at someone who beat out Bob Roll as the person Bicycling readers would most like to ride with.

Concerns About Timothy Hutton

There is, however, a more important problem: Timothy Hutton. Yes, I know he’s won an Academy Award. The thing is, you and I both know that Bloggies are pretty much the Academy Awards of bloggers, and I’ve won four of them.

So I’m a little bit worried that when I show him how award-winning, popular, and beloved I am (I plan to bring printed proof that I’ve won these Bloggies, along with the actual Utah Social Media Award trophy, and probably a printout of my site user statistics. And maybe some items from my personal clothing line), he’ll be astonished at how accomplished I am, and that will hurt his feelings.

And I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Not if I can help it.

starcraft-star-stream-travel-trailer-2007.jpgPrivacy Requirements

Due to my rather exceptional status as a beloved internet cycling blogger celebrity superstar who is also going to be on TV, I think it would not be out of line for me to request a larger trailer than everyone else. In fact, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to have a larger trailer than everyone else put together.

This isn’t so much for me as it is for my bikes. I’ll be of course bringing my entire quiver of bikes. I just feel more comfortable around them. Besides, I’m sure the director will want to get multiple shots of my action scenes with me (or, sometimes, my stunt double) riding my different bikes, to see which one works best.

But also, I just like the idea of having a big trailer so I can take pictures of me in the entryway, and then tweet it (to my nearly 17,000 followers) with a caption, like “Me hanging out at the set, where I’m acting in a TV show. No big deal.”

I have a few more requirements I’d like to cover, but I’ll wait ’til you get these simple things out of the way before giving you your next group of tasks.

Again, I want to reassure you that I’m really enthused to be on Leverage, and am looking forward to really bringing the episode(s) I’m in to life!

Kind Regards,


The Fat Cyclist


Fight Cancer, Lose Weight, Win Cool Stuff

03.14.2012 | 2:41 pm

THURSDAY UPDATE FROM FATTY: Since I posted this late yesterday, I know a lot of people are just now seeing it. So: it’s totally cool to post your starting weight today (Thursday) as well as tomorrow (Friday), or Saturday. Thanks!

ANOTHER THURSDAY UPDATE FROM FATTY: I need some help with the phpBB forum from someone who is expert at it. Specifically, from someone who knows how to block the spam that’s already raining down on it. Email me if you can help.

A month or so ago, I posted that I need to lose weight. And I hinted that I had a good reason why. And I mentioned something about maybe doing a contest.

Then, at the beginning of this week, I announced that I’m going to get to be on the TV show, Leverage. (By the way, I’ve had several more exciting ideas about my appearance on that show and will post them tomorrow.)

Are you starting to connect the dots?

So here is my nightmare scenario: Everyone I know — family, friends, co-workers, and about 50,000 blog readers all check in as I liveblog the episode of Leverage I’m going to be on. I appear on screen — DVD recording, of course — and . . . I’m at my current weight.


Which appears to be even more than my actual current weight.

Which, just to be clear, is 173 pounds. Yeah, I’ve kinda let myself fatten up over the winter. A little (by which I mean, “a lot”).

Anyway, back to the scenario: Everyone looks at me on TV. Then they look at me in real life. Then they look at me on the screen again. Then someone speaks up.

“Dude. You really are the Fat Cyclist.”

Personal Motivation

So I need to lose weight. Before the middle of April. Like, ideally, 16 pounds (getting me back to my racing / modeling / TV-appearance weight of 158 pounds.

Plus, I’m running the Boston Marathon in the middle of April. I think it’d be nice if The Hammer didn’t have to wait for more than two hours at the finish line for me.

And in addition to all that, I would really like to start the bike racing season nice and light. Because I have set myself up for the most serious suite of races in my life. It’d be a shame if I sucked at all of them.

It’s time for me to get serious about losing some weight.

And maybe you’d like to lose some at the same time.

Maybe a cool contest would help.

Lose Weight, Fight Cancer, and Win Cool Stuff

So I’m proud to announce a four-week weight loss contest — starting tomorrow, and ending Friday, April 13. A nice, short, intense competition where you’ll do some good in the fight against cancer, you’ll motivate me to get to race weight by the time I’m on Leverage (and, the following weekend, racing the Boston Marathon), and — possibly — winning some cool stuff.

There will be prizes awarded every week, as well as a pretty awesome prize at the end.

And if you do better than I do, percentage-wise, I’m going to give you something pretty cool.

Of course, if I beat you, you’re going to have to give me a prize (don’t worry, I don’t think you’ll begrudge me it).

What Are The Prizes?

Well, the grand prize — the prize going to the person who loses the greatest percentage of their body weight by the end of the contest — is pretty awesome: an autographed copy of my book, Comedian Mastermind.

But not just autographed by me. Noooooo. It’s autographed by every single person on Team RadioShack Nissan Trek. Check it out:


I am pretty sure that there are not many objects in the world that are like this. And if you want, I’ll sign it too (also, if you want, I won’t sign it — your call).

Oh, and speaking of rare, signed objects, I’ve also got an alternate grand prize lined up. It’s something owned, worn, and signed by Lance Armstrong. No, not a yellow jersey. Those things are almost too common:

The Hall of LiveStrong, leading to the office in my house

So no. Not a yellow jersey. A pair of running shoes. Specifically, a pair of running shoes Lance wore ’til they were worn out. Then he signed them. Or will sign them. Since I just asked him to do this last night, I doubt he’s signed them yet.

Regardless, I’m pretty sure there are not many of those floating around on eBay.

[Side Note: Believe me, it was not an easy thing for me to approach Lance Armstrong and say, "Hey, Lance? Can I have a pair of your worn out running shoes, autographed?"

To which he replied (and I quote), "Uh…ok. You bet. When?"

Which is a pretty remarkable thing, really, when you consider that the vast number of replies he could have made. ]

But that’s not all.

honey-stinger-waffle1.jpgThere will also be other prizes given away to winners and other notable performers each week. For example, each week, I’m going to give away a box of Honey Stinger Waffles or Honey Stinger Energy Chews to the person who did the best that week.

You’ve heard of these, right? You know, only the best-tasting energy food that’s ever been made? So good, in fact, that I am at this very moment resisting the urge to climb two flights of stairs (my office is in the basement, my Honey Stinger stash is in my second-floor bedroom) and dig into them for some recreational snacking?

Yeah. Those Honey Stingers.

Fat_T6aca.jpgBut that’s not all. Either.

Each week, to some random participant who has lost at least some weight that week, I will give a $36 gift certificate to Twin Six, which is plenty of money to get you a t-shirt, not to mention shipping. Or it’s enough to make a jersey a ridiculously good price. Or it’s enough to get you three pair of the same kind of socks, so when you lose one sock, you don’t have to throw the other one away; just keep it ’til you lose the next one, and you’re back to a good place again.

And there will be other prizes. But I’m not going to tell you what those prizes are.

Not yet, anyway. Because frankly I haven’t contacted everyone I need to to get the other prizes in place. Because I’m lazier than the average blogger, that’s why.

But I will tell you that anything I give away is worth having. Really worth having.

But prizes don’t go only to the absolute winners in this contest. Nosirree. They also go to anyone who manages to beat me.

Namely, if you beat me (meaning if you lose a greater percentage of your weight than I do by April 13) — I’ll comp your entry into the 2012 100 Miles of Nowhere.

That’s a $95.00 value, folks.

But if I beat you, you have to donate another $25 to my LiveStrong page.

Sounds like an intriguing competition, doesn’t it? Darn right it does.

Here’s how it works.

Step 1. Pay Your Dues

The first thing you’ve got to do with this contest is show you’re serious about it. You’ve got to pay an “entry fee,” of sorts.

In this case, the entry fee is you need to make a $25.00 donation at my LiveStrong Boston Marathon Challenge page. That’s your way of saying, “I’m not just idly entering this. I’m giving something up to do this. And also, I’m helping LiveStrong help people fight cancer.”

Step 2. Weigh Yourself

Weigh yourself tomorrow morning. And when you do it, do it honest. Don’t load up on water or anything to set yourself up with a padded start weight. I’m not. Let’s all play this honestly.

Step 3. Create a Topic For Yourself in the Forum

I just launched a bare-bones forum at forum.fatcyclist.com. You need to register for it, then create a topic for you and your weight loss progress. Here’s how:

  1. Go to the Forum Registration Page and agree to the terms. (I have never read the terms, and suggest you don’t read them either). Fill in the registration stuff and get yourself all properly registered and everything.
  2. Go to the Weight Loss Pages in the Forum and click the New Topic button.
  3. For the subject, enter your user handle or name. Whichever you’re going to use. But if you use a user handle instead of a name, send me an email with your name AND user handle, so I’ll be able to verify that you paid your registration dues.
  4. In the message, enter your starting weight. And anything else you’d like to.
  5. Go back to the Weight Loss Pages in the forum and check out what other people have set for their starting weights. Maybe reply to some of them. Encourage folks. Be nice. Let’s be cool and helpful and friendly and stuff, OK?

And that’s all you’ve got to do for now. If you’d like to enter interim weights, during the upcoming week, you can reply in your own topic with new weights. Or you can be all mysterious and not say anything ’til next week.

And it’ll go on like that for a month.

Easy, huh?

Step 5. Start Losing Weight

OK, now for the fun hard part: losing weight. I’m planning to be incredibly dedicated, and will post my weight every day. I’ll also be checking others’ threads and posting encouragement. Because I would love to see as many people as possible do great at this.

Step 6. Keep Losing Weight

I’ll be posting directions on how to do the math for your percentages lost, and when to post updates. Specifically, Wednesday next week I’ll go into what you need to do to enter your first weekly weigh-in, and by Thursday next week you need to have posted the results of your weigh-in.

This contest is going to be fun. And there’s going to be great stuff for you to win. And it should give you (and me!) a great reason to get started on getting rid of those Winter pounds.

So: ante up now. And then sign up. And good luck!

PS: Is there anyone out there who would like to be my helper / tracker on this game? Because I think I’m going to need some help. Email me if you’re willing to put some time in doing math and entering numbers. Thanks!

PS: I’ve got a math helper volunteer now. Thanks, David!

The Producer at Leverage Replies to My Suggestions

03.13.2012 | 10:50 am

A Note from Fatty: In yesterday’s post, I announced that I — as an award-winning celebrity cyclist megablogger on the internet — have been invited to star in an episode of Leverage. Well, Paul Guyot, Writer and Producer at Leverage, has taken the time to reply to my letter.

Isn’t that nice of him?

Dear Elden,

Good to hear from you. I would love to clarify some things from your open letter response to my closed letter invitation… by the way, no need to address “everyone else at Leverage,” as we have over 200 cast and crew members who are all working very hard and when they have to stop to read a letter listing a myriad of requests that frankly, will only frustrate and annoy them, well, it just slow things down.

But I understand this is all probably foreign to you, so let me see if I can help.

Hair : Um, your hair, or lack of hair, is not really an issue. The role I invited you to play is simply a quick and fun little walk-on. You would most likely ride up on some sort of Fixie, hand a package to one of our actors, have them sign it, and be on your way. I could perhaps create a little “business” for you to do with said actor, but that would be determined on the day and involve variables such as how the actors are reacting to you, how close we are to being on schedule, and what would be in the best interest and least disruptive of the creative process.

Therefore, your hair is fine the way it is. Or your head, rather.

Beard : Again, Elden, the beard issue falls into the same category as the hair issue. Not really relevant or necessary. As to the grayness of it all, our makeup and hair professionals will most likely be dealing with our actors who perform on the show every week and will probably not have time to deal with “de-grey-ifing” your beard.

With beard or without, you will look just fine for the very brief scene.

Weight : Honestly, any sort of text graphic at the beginning or end of a show costs money. And there are strict guidelines as to what can and cannot be added. I think your best bet here is to put your own disclaimer on your own blog the day before the episode airs.

Diction : James Earl Jones is not available, I’m sure. Even if he is, I do not think the studio or network will pay to have a man of his reputation and excellence brought in simply to overdub a day player. A “Day Player” is an actor who comes in to work on a show for one day. One day.

Speaking of which, the reality of this is that you do not have to worry about diction problems since you most likely will not be speaking in your scene. I originally thought you might, but some recent events have caused me to rethink the situation. This should assuage your vocal concerns and give you comfort.

Breath: I think your breath concerns can be addressed in my response to your diction concerns. That said, I have no problem letting the cast and crew know of your affliction, and making sure there is ample Binaca on set.

Face asymmetry : No. Our FX department is swamped with… just, no.

Appearance Trademark : I am confident Mr. Tucci has not trademarked the way either of you look.

Plot Suggestions

Mr. Nelson, while I appreciate the amount of time and energy you’ve spent on these ideas, the writing department at Leverage is quite competent and probably has a better grasp on just what the show is. Also, please refrain from sending any more story ideas, as due to the litigious nature of our society, anything you submit to me immediately becomes unusable in any way, shape or form. Meaning, if your blind squirrel of an idea-making brain manages to locate a nut lost somewhere in one of your rambling sentences about something completely unrelated to said nut, we would not be able to use it.

I hope I have put you at ease and look forward to seeing you in Portland.



PS with regards to your being a recurring character in the show: Why don’t we put a pin in this idea and perhaps come back to it around Season 7 or 8?

I’m Going to Be on Leverage!

03.12.2012 | 7:24 am

Some of you may be familiar with Paul Guyot, who did a really great job guest-posting on my blog while I was in France last year.

As you may or may not know, Paul is, in addition to being a kick-butt guest blogger and short story writer (check out this short story and this short story collection, as well as his story in Ride), is a producer and writer for Leverage.


Paul just recently sent me this email:

Hey, Buddy!

How goes it these days?

Seeing as how you’re such a fan of LEVERAGE — the show I wrote for that’s on Sunday nights on TNT – I thought it might be fun if you came out to Portland, Oregon where we shoot the show, and did a little cameo. I could create a small walk-on role for you, perhaps as a Portland bike messenger?

You could see the production, meet the actors, dine on some craft service, visit Portland, and generally enjoy yourself for a day or so.

Since you give so much to others, and rarely think about yourself, I thought it might be nice to give you your own little moment in the sun! Or rain, seeing as how we shoot in Portland.

No need to thank me, as this is something I very much want to do.

Your friend,
Paul Guyot

As you might expect, I am intrigued by this opportunity. As you might also expect, however, I have some questions and suggestions, which I am pleased to now present in the form of…what else?…an open letter.

An Open Letter to Paul Guyot (and everyone else at Leverage)

Dear Paul,

Thanks very much for your generous offer to include me in an episode of Leverage. As you no doubt expect, I am more than inclined to accept. That said, I’ve spent a few minutes thinking about this opportunity, and would now like to run a few questions and ideas by you.

Questions and Concerns

This will be the first time I’ve been on television since ninth grade, Paul. And so I’ve got a few general questions and niggling concerns I hope you can clear up.

  • photo.JPGHair : I don’t know if you’ve noticed in any of the pictures I’ve put on my blog, but my hair is beginning to thin. Or, more specifically, the hair on the top of my head is starting to thin (the hair on my back seems to be picking up the slack, however). And by “starting to thin,” I of course mean that I have an adorable little peninsula of hair on the top of an otherwise bare forehead zone. The attached photo should demonstrate the state of my hair (or lack thereof) quite well, as well as the somewhat alarming fact that my forehead looks like it belongs to a Sharpei. So my question is, will you provide me with a hairpiece for the show? Or should I buy one myself? Or should I grow a combover just as fast as I can?
  • Beard : Since you are filming in Portland, I am growing a Portland-ish beard with all possible haste. You will be glad to know, I think, that I grow a thick, lush beard, at approximately twice the rate of most men. Believe me when I say that in the below photo I have been growing this beard less than a week.
    I am nevertheless concerned about the state of this beard for two reasons. First, it’s becoming evident that my beard is going grey. Do you have people who can de-grey-ify it? Second, can they take care of trimming it into a less pedestrian shape? I am capable of only the most pedestrian beardscaping techniques.
  • Weight : I have heard before that the camera adds ten pounds. Could you do me a favor and have a disclaimer at the beginning of the show, when it airs, saying that due to unforeseen technical issues, in my case it added 35 pounds?
  • Diction : I have a slight diction problem, Paul. Specifically, that I am a mushmouth. My “d’s” come out as “j’s.” My “p’s” come out as “b’s.” My “k’s” come out as “g’s.” The only vowel I ever pronouce is the schwa. I recently stopped using fricatives altogether. Will this be a problem? Perhaps you could have me overdubbed, or sub-titled? Or have me hold up cards? Or, right after I say something, have the actor I say it to repeat it back, as if to make sure they remember what I just said (but in actuality to help viewers understand me). Or perhaps you should just have me overdubbed. In which case, I would like to have James Earl Jones be the guy who overdubs me. I think that would be believable.
  • Breath : I have terrible breath. I’m sorry. You may just want to give the actors I’m interacting with a heads-up on this fact. You may also want to keep the room well-ventilated, and perhaps have a scented candle burning nearby.
  • Face asymmetry : Could you give your FX guys a heads-up that the left side of my face functions only at about 70%, and they may want to do some CGI work on my face afterward?
  • Appearance Trademark : You may want to have your legal guys check and make sure that Stanley Tucci hasn’t already trademarked the way I look. So you don’t get sued and stuff.

Plot Suggestions

This is, of course, your show and I would never want to presume to tell you how to write a story. That said, I have a few ideas for how you might want to work me into the plot. I think your viewers would enjoy any or all of these.

Idea 1 — Have the episode be about a midpack endurance cyclist : I think people would really be interested in endurance mountain bike racing, if only they knew more about it. How about if the whole episode centers around me training for the Breck Epic, culminating in lots of action sequences – with dramatic and exciting music in the background – of me racing and finishing midpack in the race.

At some point in the training montage (because, obviously, there would need to be a training montage), I could take a fall, in slow motion (you’ll need to get a 5′7″ stocky stuntman for this part). As you go to commercial, there would be concern about whether I will be able to even participate in the race at all. (Don’t worry, though, in the next scene it becomes apparent that I want to continue on, in spite of the obvious pain, because that’s what midpack endurance cyclists do.)

I could have a dramatic, powerful monologue about how, for me, it’s not about finishing first. It’s about confronting my limitations and then busting through them. I would make my eyes look fierce and my voice steely, dramatically quiet, and less-mushy than usual for this speech.

Maybe the regular actors could be my support crew during the race or something, so they don’t feel left out.

Idea 2. Have the episode be about a beloved cycling celebrity blogger : Did you know that there are 20 million blogs in the US, alone? Obviously, blogging is white-hot, and yet there are no TV shows I am aware of tapping into this massive demographic.

I can imagine an episode where all the regular characters discover a blog written by a really interesting middle-aged guy who likes bikes. Before long, they’re all totally addicted to the blog (it’s my blog by the way), and are ignoring the job they’re supposed to be doing right then.

The blog helps them keep their sanity, because the job they need to do (stealing a maguffin back from someone who shouldn’t have the maguffin in the first place) is impossibly difficult.

And then, in an awesome plot twist, by reading the blog they figure out the missing piece to the job that’s had them stumped. High fives ensue! They execute the job flawlessly, and leave a comment on the person’s blog thanking him for saving the day.

Then, in a surprise twist, the blogger rings their doorbell just as they post the comment. “How did you get here so fast?” they ask.

“Oh, I have my ways,” I reply, with a sly wink. The regular actors look at each other, shrug, and the show ends with a giant group hug.

Idea 3. Have the episode be about a guy who really likes Mexican food: What if there were a guy (played by me) who really really liked Mexican food, but – because he loves Mexican food and therefore notices these kinds of things – discovers that all the good Mexican food restaurants in the area are starting to put more and more refried beans in their burritos, cheapening the product without reducing their prices.

The Leverage gang discovers this is true, and finds out that it’s because the Mafia has bought all the Mexican restaurants in the area, using blackmail or threats or something. And now they’re money laundering and making exorbitant profits on their burritos, both at the same time.

Doubly criminal!

So they start their own taco stand, making really great burritos, probably with fantastic guacomole (I can help with that). The client (me) spreads the word and soon it’s the most popular taco stand in the area.

When the Mafia tries to buy the taco stand using threats and blackmail and stuff, the Leverage gang demands a bunch of money because they’re the last decent taco stand in Portland. Then they disappear, give all the money to the original Mexican restaurants, and I teach them all how to make really good guacamole so they can regain their clientele.

And the Mafia can’t do anything about it because they spent all their money on that super-expensive taco stand or something.

I’ll let you figure out the plot niceties.

I think you’ll agree these are all really good ideas, and I won’t blame you if you want to use all of them (I’ll of course expect to get fair compensation).

I look forward to finding which of these you like best, and am excited to be a part of the show!

Kind Regards,


The Fat Cyclist

PS: You know what would be cool? If I became a recurring character in the show.

The Final Five Miles

03.8.2012 | 11:51 am

Fuck-cancer-bike-1.jpgA Note from Fatty: My friend Dustin Brady is at it again, raising money for the YSC Tour de Pink with a contest to win a Pink Intense 951. Click here for details on this one-of-a-kind bike.

For every $5 you donate by April 1, you get a chance at this bike, along with other prizes.

And, more importantly, you’ll be fighting cancer alongside one of the greatest champions you could ever meet.

To enter this contest or for more details, just click here.

Recently, I asserted — using both convincing rhetoric and unassailable fact — that I am the best cyclist in the world. I stand by that claim.

And yet. And yet.

I — yes, even I! — have a chink in my cycling armor. And it is this: the final five miles of a ride.

Five Miles May or May Not Be Five Miles

By “the final five miles of a ride,” I don’t actually necessarily mean the exact final five miles of a ride. It could be the last two miles of a mountain bike ride. Or it could be the last ten miles of a 100-mile road ride.

The final five miles is really just my way of giving a number to the last part of a ride, where I’ve stopped thinking about — and enjoying — the ride itself and have begun thinking about getting off my bike and being done with it for the day.

Oh sure, every ride invariably starts out great. I begin with enthusiasm, thinking of getting away from the real world for a few minutes (hours, whatever). I then settle into the ride, happy as a clam (and make no mistake: clams are very happy indeed).

But then, around five miles before the end of the ride, something changes.

I no longer am thinking of the ride. I no longer am looking at the rocks and bugs and trees and the top tube and The Hammer’s butt and pavement and / or dirt and stuff.


Now I am thinking of getting off my bike.

What I am Thinking Of

So, if I’m not thinking of the ride, what am I now thinking of? Well, a variety of things:

  • Food: Really, this is the most obvious one. Generally, I will start with an inkling: “I would like some food.” I’ll then probe around that inkling, trying to figure out what kind of food sounds good. “Salty. Cheesy. Some kind of tomato sauce. Big.” I will then go through my mental database of foods that satisfy the criteria I have set: “Enchilada — no. Ravioli — no. Omelette — no. Spaghetti — no. Carne asada burrito — yes.
  • Getting out of bike clothes: For some reason, I seem to expand during bike rides. Seriously, I do. It’s measurable. I inflate by up to 10%. So by the time I near the finish of a ride, the jersey that barely fit me at the beginning of the ride is starting to cut off the circulation to my spare tire. Or, it’s also possible that I’ve reached the maximum amount of time I can hold my stomach in. Regardless, as I get into that final five miles, I’m starting to get really excited about getting out of my jersey and shorts. Not excited enough to start early, though. Fortunately for everyone.
  • A shower: By and large, I am a leave-it-as-is kind of person, plumbing and faucet-wise. However, I have installed a particular showerhead that magically gives my shower enough force to cut through aluminum and other soft metals. It is wonderful beyond belief. So while I definitely think about showering when I near the end of a ride, I should probably also confess that I think about showering during a lot of the rest of my life, too.

The Tragedy of The Final Five Miles

But you know, to be honest, it’s not so much that I’m thinking about something that I’ll do after the ride itself. I’m just thinking about the end of the ride.

Yes, I am, somehow, looking forward to the end of the thing that I have been looking forward to the beginning of for the whole rest of the day.

Yes, I astonish myself with my own foolishness.

Especially since, within a couple hours, I’ll be back to thinking about the next ride.

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